26.11.01
im not going to let myself feel anymore, im sick of feeling upset over everything u say... u were once as empathic but no longer and im the only left feeling everything whilst u are oblivious to what u do to me, as long as u get it out and... u're so full of anger, where does it end and where do u begin? u are the anger and it is u. and me? i am just the one who doest understand cos anger never took root in me.
it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.
u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.
but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.
i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?
anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.
it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.
u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.
but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.
i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?
anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.
25.11.01
ambient disjointed sounds
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.
someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter
speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes
music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body
i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien
sound becomes visuals becomes space
i want to scream
becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes
music
becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words
and i opened my
eyes through coloured lenses
sounds becomes space becomes visuals
opened my eyes
24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.
someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter
speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes
music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body
i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien
sound becomes visuals becomes space
i want to scream
becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes
music
becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words
and i opened my
eyes through coloured lenses
sounds becomes space becomes visuals
opened my eyes
24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb
22.11.01
A strange serenity has overpowered my stronger emotions today.
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence..
No more tossed back and forth from flights of fancy
To depths of despair
This is not the familiar numbness I crawl into
When I feel poised to break
It's almost like I've crawled out of some
Confining waiting bay
And reached full stride...
Unbridled restlessness infusing my every breath with energy
A sneaking suspicion plays with the corners of my mouth
Gently tracing whispers of secret smiles
Could it be?
---
Majestic bird in full flight..
A shot echoes through the air
And the bird falls..
Slowly testing every fibre of its being
Drawing ever closer to that final impact..
Wings tentatively spread and flex
And the bird flies true to the horizon
---
Could it be?
Shot down and falling
Spiralling towards that ever approaching conclusion
Still in the confusion and the panic
A tentative search found
All parts operational
Heart pounding, but not torn to shreds
I feel the whispers of secret smiles
Play across my face
My footholds found, I enjoy every moment as I wait
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence...
-mez
15.11.01
Adorned in black
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom
-ja
enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near
always afar
always beside
reaching
yearning
aching
to touch
to hold
never
except the final
embrace
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom
-ja
enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near
always afar
always beside
reaching
yearning
aching
to touch
to hold
never
except the final
embrace
It was an unexpected night..
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...
-mez
...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?
are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?
...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened
a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick
...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...
-mez
...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?
are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?
...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened
a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick
...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock
10.11.01
i think im turning into a social freak.
dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.
do i want to fit in?
yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.
perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.
it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?
and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.
i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly
dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.
do i want to fit in?
yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.
perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.
it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?
and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.
i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly
27.10.01
24.10.01
22.10.01
strange how your darkest secrets are poured out to a faceless stranger on the internet. blind honesty, leap of faith because the act does not come back to haunt you? ironic that after years of evolution and social engineering, we fallback on our most primal instinct to be part of a herd, to need contact, comfort, consolation from any quarters, and actually welcome the arms of a faceless stranger miles away, connected so tenuously with phone lines and optical fibre networks; data packets that gets repacked, gets shuffled, gets trasmitted, reassembled... our lives torn apart and put together for the scrutiny of a person unknown... our emotional well-being resting on something as fine a spider's web.
it is an amazing thing, this internet, what have we created? bringing us together as a planet... perhaps one day, we'd evolve into a single symbiotic being capable of representing ourselves as one... us the blood cells, the internet our veins... the planet a brain... ah... utopian visions.
it is an amazing thing, this internet, what have we created? bringing us together as a planet... perhaps one day, we'd evolve into a single symbiotic being capable of representing ourselves as one... us the blood cells, the internet our veins... the planet a brain... ah... utopian visions.
21.10.01
what is that sound
ringing in my ears
the strangest sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of
two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of
one love
that neither one can hide
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
what is that sound
runing round my head
funny i thought
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
because there's someone
who make it beat again
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
lamb - what sound
i wished i could write something like this
ringing in my ears
the strangest sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of
two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of
one love
that neither one can hide
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
what is that sound
runing round my head
funny i thought
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
because there's someone
who make it beat again
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
lamb - what sound
i wished i could write something like this
17.10.01
its not amazing (saying that would be such a cliche); it is frightening how the internet has pervasively entrench itself in our mundane lives. one can hardly claim to be part of the 21st century and not have an email address or god forbid, an icq uin.
having said that... i survived the past 2 weeks without my virtual lifeline, the days turning into torturous nights of insomnia, staring up at the walls and ceiling and feeling claustrophobic.
the net is so much more than an instrument of communication, it has, in yours truly's case, become an addiction, an escape.
holed in the room, blinds shutting out the world intruding through the window, the ubiquitous monitor opens up to another world of sensory overload, a wonderous world of data, information, words, rubbish and porn.
i am in my element, the world truly at my fingertips.
one can almost imagine... one day, there'd be people like us, constantly connected to the net, constantly accessing data, assimilating, feeling for nuances, nodes, a la the protagonist in all tomorrow's party.
data-miners.
having said that... i survived the past 2 weeks without my virtual lifeline, the days turning into torturous nights of insomnia, staring up at the walls and ceiling and feeling claustrophobic.
the net is so much more than an instrument of communication, it has, in yours truly's case, become an addiction, an escape.
holed in the room, blinds shutting out the world intruding through the window, the ubiquitous monitor opens up to another world of sensory overload, a wonderous world of data, information, words, rubbish and porn.
i am in my element, the world truly at my fingertips.
one can almost imagine... one day, there'd be people like us, constantly connected to the net, constantly accessing data, assimilating, feeling for nuances, nodes, a la the protagonist in all tomorrow's party.
data-miners.
6.9.01
im feeling down again. after coming across the piece of writing i just posted, i went through some old emails i sent out over the year... it seems like there have been much happier times, and the frightening thing is, it's only been a year. i dont recognise myself in the emails. i couldnt possibly have grown or changed so much in the last year, not when i've had 24 years to reach where i am tonight.
i am so sad for the days gone... im turning 25 in october, and yet, it seemed like a year ago, life was indeed simpler and more innocent (who am i to be saying this). i think having to come to terms with missing someone changes a person a lot... the world becomes a much darker place with that little glimpse of light at the end, flickering so fragily like a candle, hope... dwindling and flaring so uncertainly. im becoming harsher and more numb.
gone are the days when i can smile and love with ease.
everything comes with a price now, carved out of me.
i shouldnt hold on to the past.
but when the present is not worth anything
the future is uncertain
and the past is depressing
where can i live?
sigh
i wished the choice was out of my hands... i wished someone would decide i am to die.
i am so sad for the days gone... im turning 25 in october, and yet, it seemed like a year ago, life was indeed simpler and more innocent (who am i to be saying this). i think having to come to terms with missing someone changes a person a lot... the world becomes a much darker place with that little glimpse of light at the end, flickering so fragily like a candle, hope... dwindling and flaring so uncertainly. im becoming harsher and more numb.
gone are the days when i can smile and love with ease.
everything comes with a price now, carved out of me.
i shouldnt hold on to the past.
but when the present is not worth anything
the future is uncertain
and the past is depressing
where can i live?
sigh
i wished the choice was out of my hands... i wished someone would decide i am to die.
02092000:1420
i wish
i wish i could bottle everything up
{
dancing, prancing, tumbling, turning, flashing
fireflies
elusive
words
}
i wish i had a camera
{
capture
record
archive
time
people dancing, embodying music, paying homage
thoughts
emotions
breath
in technicolour glory
}
i wish i had paint
{
black, white
people disappearing in smoke
head
shoulder
arm
fading
in... out... wispy ghosts
}
can you hear it?
{
anticipate
close your eyes and i will be your guide
stand on the peak, look
wide open sky of the palest blue
empty expanse of land, rivers running like veins, life
take a step, of faith
fall... float, fly
}
can you hear it?
{
almost
that tingling melody, so soft, carried on the wind
sparking your consciousness, firing your nerves
carrying you up, higher.. higher
state
}
i wish i was a seismograph
can you see them?
{
heart-beat
breathing
shivers
tingles
}
i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough
shake it
can you see?
{
the twinkle of lights?
}
can you hear?
{
the music?
}
words
cannot capture
fireflies
let them fly
i wish
you were here
something i came across, written in september last year
i wish
i wish i could bottle everything up
{
dancing, prancing, tumbling, turning, flashing
fireflies
elusive
words
}
i wish i had a camera
{
capture
record
archive
time
people dancing, embodying music, paying homage
thoughts
emotions
breath
in technicolour glory
}
i wish i had paint
{
black, white
people disappearing in smoke
head
shoulder
arm
fading
in... out... wispy ghosts
}
can you hear it?
{
anticipate
close your eyes and i will be your guide
stand on the peak, look
wide open sky of the palest blue
empty expanse of land, rivers running like veins, life
take a step, of faith
fall... float, fly
}
can you hear it?
{
almost
that tingling melody, so soft, carried on the wind
sparking your consciousness, firing your nerves
carrying you up, higher.. higher
state
}
i wish i was a seismograph
can you see them?
{
heart-beat
breathing
shivers
tingles
}
i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough
shake it
can you see?
{
the twinkle of lights?
}
can you hear?
{
the music?
}
words
cannot capture
fireflies
let them fly
i wish
you were here
something i came across, written in september last year
3.9.01
28.8.01
time...
a journey is what i have to take,
to find myself that choice i must make.
to wonder through the hands of all time,
a vision of my life i must find.
the time has come for me to depart,
i'll leave the world a piece of my heart.
where i go you cannot follow,
if i'll be back i really don't know.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time......
you'll say you'll miss me i won't belive,
cause you laughed at me and all of my dreams.
but now the laughs are at your expense,
'cause where i go my dreams all make sense.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time...
the time
i'll never forget
those times that we spent
i'll never never, never forget
all those times, that we spent
girl you know
i'll never forget
all those times, that we spent
i'll remember, all those times that we spent
i'll remember, all those good times
all those times, that we spent
time......
- slam - lifetimes
a journey is what i have to take,
to find myself that choice i must make.
to wonder through the hands of all time,
a vision of my life i must find.
the time has come for me to depart,
i'll leave the world a piece of my heart.
where i go you cannot follow,
if i'll be back i really don't know.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time......
you'll say you'll miss me i won't belive,
cause you laughed at me and all of my dreams.
but now the laughs are at your expense,
'cause where i go my dreams all make sense.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time...
the time
i'll never forget
those times that we spent
i'll never never, never forget
all those times, that we spent
girl you know
i'll never forget
all those times, that we spent
i'll remember, all those times that we spent
i'll remember, all those good times
all those times, that we spent
time......
- slam - lifetimes
27.8.01
numb/dead/emotionless
a torture beyond hurts
zombified
trapped
empty breathing shell
worse than death
i refuse to let myself be drained.
once emotionless/once numbed/ it's weird/ felt like a stone for mths/ nothing seems to matter/ stucked in a void where u dun really feel happiness and depressing shit doesn't seem to kill u either/ its like nothing matters and u only know u are embarked on this path of self destruction/ the light in u flickering / casting shadows on ur existence/ i rem seeking rest/ asking for an end/ to escape the void within/
it's not a good place. i hate that void. there's no ups and downs. just a zombie doing the everyday. i like to believe . i remind myself to believe that thru the abyss, one learns to appreciate the light of everyday.
a torture beyond hurts
zombified
trapped
empty breathing shell
worse than death
i refuse to let myself be drained.
once emotionless/once numbed/ it's weird/ felt like a stone for mths/ nothing seems to matter/ stucked in a void where u dun really feel happiness and depressing shit doesn't seem to kill u either/ its like nothing matters and u only know u are embarked on this path of self destruction/ the light in u flickering / casting shadows on ur existence/ i rem seeking rest/ asking for an end/ to escape the void within/
it's not a good place. i hate that void. there's no ups and downs. just a zombie doing the everyday. i like to believe . i remind myself to believe that thru the abyss, one learns to appreciate the light of everyday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)