all good things come to an end... ive said it before, and im saying it now... perhaps this is the final goodbye... who knows, i dont. im bitter and indignant about it, im upset about it... im relieved and yet, i dont want to be. i dont even feel anything right now except my mind swimming in johnny walker.

yes im imbibing alcohol, not for no reason, but it certainly doesnt help... blame it on social conditioning, it feels right, and i need that feeling now, amongst all the wrong.

i dont feel anything.

ofcos im telling myself that, but i cant afford to, sigh.

i'll survive, i have to.

no other options.

i hate life, i hate everything i've done, but im trying so hard not to hate.

i dont feel anything, the wall goes up, its not my fault, its not.

sometimes... i have the feeling my friend and i are the only sane people around. and im a pretty messed up person myself, or used to be... im forcing myself to improve now, because i dont have a choice... no one is here for me, no one is my emotional crutch. i realise last year the person i love, i cant turn to when i need it, which is further reeinforced by recent events.

where does that leave me? i cant afford to sink into the hole i was in last year, i dont want to be stuck here forever, i want to go home (im scared though... the way things look right now... i dont know if there is a home to go back to, again). that is my motivation now, that is what drives me, knowing that if i was the me last year, i would never leave which in turn would prolong this whole problem with being here... its a vicious cycle, methinks.

so i tell myself, u cant depend on anyone, just suck it up, bear with it, grind ur teeth if u have to, but fucking get over it, cos no one's here, the world doesnt care about me... the universe certainly doesnt for sure.

no... im not the sanest person at times, but this is as good as it gets for me, the realisation, the acceptance, and the willingness to move on.

it makes me wonder... if i am the only sane person around, what does it say about the people around me?

thank god for the music.

there are times i might come across as bigotted or arrogant (not that i really care what people think of me anyway) when it comes to music and what i like.

i love this music i listen to, i take pride in loving it, i take pride in knowing it, i take pride in appreciating it, because it is the one passion in my life, it is the one thing which i can assimilate into myself, it is the one thing that guides me in my day to day existence, its peaks and troughs.

some of u know what im saying, some of u never will, this is not arrogance, this is just the way it is. accept it. i am not posting this to antagonise people.

music is like a language to me, the lost language of babel if u will, as some of u have heard me referring. it is the language of cultures, of races, it is the language that is honest and true because it doesnt need to be presented with words. it is heard, it is felt, it beats in the heart.

how do i explain it? i cant.

it is like a psychedelic experience, u can only experience it because no words of man will ever do it justice. i can give u a detailed explanation of how mdma or lsd works, i can give u a detailed description of its physical effects and symptoms, i can even give u a general description of its mental effects, but these are ONLY the quantifiable variables.

there is the unquantifiable ones, the x factors.

i cant cos i dont know the technical side of it, but if i could, i can rave about the structure of a tune, the sounds in it, the basslines, the vocals, ultimately, these are only technicalities.

there is the x factor.

why am i posting this... tonight, thinking about all the traumas and problems in my life as they happen before, right now, and in the future, it dawned on me.

music is the one consistent element in my life.

it is the one thing i CAN depend on, when i am at my lowest depth or my highest peak. it has never failed me the way people do. it brings me up, it brings me down, the way life does. i have music, i have a beat, every single moment of my life. when im awake, i listen to it, when im lying in bed, i listen to it in my heart's beating.

ever since i discovered it, it has been the one dependable companion on this journey, the one thing i can trust because everthing else changes but the moment i hear the music, the moment it gets parsed by my brain and i define my interpretation of what i hear, takes on the identity i project onto it, it becomes mine, it becomes me.

like i said, some of u will know what im saying, some wont understand this fanaticism, some will think they know what im saying.

accept it.

im feeling particularly fucked right now, because certain things keep recurring and i am weary and tired, i fight the good fight, i try even though i dont know why, all for a hope and memories. a single tenous thread holding me up and my mind is fraying right now.

but there is the music still.

and hence this post, i would like to take a moment of your time reading this, and thank god (figuratively speaking ofcos) for the music.

amen.

[james holden - nothing]

ok, last one for the night b4 i crash, just came across this on the gu board, translation to the lyrics in schiller - ruhe.

Silence, the greatest happiness on earth only comes through loneliness at heart

kinda apt right now, i only wish it was true.

i hate this... should i, should i not... i know if i do it, i'd regret it and be haunted by it, afterall, i was staking the rest of my life on this... and yet, one has to wonder... when the person cannot be depended on at crunch time, what does that have to say for the future?

it is always very disappointing to discover an ugly reality.

and yet i always hold on, thinking things were and could be good again.

life sucks, but we all know that.

and im posting quite a bit tonight... im just feeling indignant and wronged.

blog does not seem to be publishing properly tonight... i have to go into edit mode and re-post and publish b4 it goes up... go figure, its probably having a bad day/night like me.

ashland - clear is going to be the 2002 kosheen - hide u heh

sigh... said circumstances is rapid spiralling outta proportions, and there goes my life with it.

i really should be updating this more... on the perchance that someone might actually read this and wonder ha right.

i always thought i'd use this space for thoughts that spring to mind, the quiet moments when i am feeling introspective, usually when im coming down, heh... i suppose right now it qualifies, drinking some red wine infront of the computer, listening to sasha and digweed's essential mix, and now playing gu22.

caught anthony pappa recently... been a bit of a fan since his nubreed but not crazy about him. boy did he blow me away... i have never heard a dj play so hard and maintain the flow and energy in a 4-hour set as well as he did. mixing was spot on though i heard him mess up maybe twice which was corrected. there were moments in his set when i just could not dance to it at all, such was the energy and the bpm, i was just sitting down shaking my head in amazement.

well that was the high point this month.

but...

sasha and digweed, my god... digweed is good as always, being the digweed whore i am... but its good to hear sasha back in form, solid sessions - janeiro (holden remix) -> james holden - nothing -> decepticons - eastern promises -> chimera - just doing my own thing, that 20 minutes in the second hour was just pure bliss, in your face melodic assault. i could've done without decepticons, spoilt the lushness of the soundscape for me, though i wonder if my mind would be able to handle janeiro, nothing, and just doing my own thing, in succession. for the first time i hear a set at home and i was literally rushing, not like with mdma but just pure adrenal... and i had a headache after that, man these natural peaks are taxing heh.

sigh... cass and slide - mind rewind is one wicked tune, the breakdown is just pure evil. one thing my friend and i have decided, cass and slide are artistes in the truest sense, u can never pigeon hole their sound, just listening to their essential mix shows their myriad musical influence, i respect that.

sigh, one thing about these moments... always get me down... its probably just the wine, i gave up drinking them a year ago afte realising that get me melancholic. wonder why im doing this to myself now.

sigh.

i hate it when circumstances are uncertain and outta control... not that i CAN control the circumstances but i dont even KNOW the circumstances... its easy to say one should just chill out and and go with the flow and yet... how can u do that if u truly cared?

sigh

notice a trend here... i only post when im feeling fucked, and i wasnt even feeling fucked to begin with... maybe blog gets me down.

im turning 26 this year, and have been going out for the past ten years. i discovered progressive house couple of years ago (5 or 6 years ago a friend introduced me to the early renaissance and ministry of sound compilations, and underworld. northern exposure 1, was that earlier?) the first dj mixed compilation i owned was oakenfold - perfecto fluoro. i remember being so excited about this music i was hearing i had to bring my discman out and let my then girlfriend hear it. and there i was smiling and anticipating like a kid discovering something new, as she put on the earphones and after a few minutes of listening, she returned it to me, not displaying a marked increment in enthusiasm.

i am very anal about who i go out with, not because i was, or am, cool or l33t. but i realised there was only a select few who shared the same passion, who appreciate what i love on the same level. to this day, i remember seeing my friend with his eyes closed, hands outstretched infront of him, soaking up chicane - offshore. i remember us laughing and jumping when we heard hybrid drop sander kleinenberg - my lexicon. i remember us looking at each other across a dancefloor, not needing to say anything, just pointing in the air at a good track and the knowing grin.

music was more than just background entertainment to facilitate social interactions, to us, music was it, there was nothing else. we didnt go out to meet people, to rub shoulders or to drink... we went out for the music and everything else was secondrary. and this was before i discovered drugs and even till today, drugs too are secondrary.

my present girlfriend and i hear the same thing in music. we used to run to each other asking if we just heard a particular sound in a track or sms each other... and after a while, we stopped doing that, because we knew wherever we were, we heard the same sound that brought a smile to our faces, we didnt have to check with each other anymore.

i could dance my head off while out, or just as easily, stand still with my eyes closed and on opening them again, surprised to find myself in an enclosed space with someone's back in my face, momentarily disoriented.

my apologies if this is all personal and rambling... im trying to relate what music means and does to me.

people tell me i would change as i got older. my priorities would become different; but music was never a priority, it was a passion, not external to my life. its intrinsic.

i cant imagine not having music in my life... silence is just too empty to bear.

and to all these people who share the music, respects, i probably would never meet you, but its good to know there's someone out there sharing the music.

a death in the family

he was an acquintance, always seeing him around grinning and dancing madly. looked like he lived his moments to the fullest. i feel a loss which i tell myself is not rational, as much as he could be another stranger. but he crossed my path briefly and one would like to think these things happen for a reason.

the fact that he seemed to throw himself into life and enjoyed it made an impression on me, and i wanted to know this person.

no more.

there will be a gap at the parties where he should be, dancing and grinning madly, infecting the people around him.

i hope u continue to rock the place, wherever that might be.

there are no endings, only transitions.

my brightest star's my inner light
let it guide me
experience and innocence
bleed inside me
hallucinogens can open me
or untie me
i drift in innerspace
free of time
i find a higher state of grace
in my mind

im beautiful
i wasnt born to follow
i live just for today, dont care about tomorrow
what ive got in my head you cant buy, steal or borrow
i believe in live
and let live
i believe you get
what you give

ive glimpsed
i have tasted
fantastical places
my soul's
an oasis
higher than the sun

im
higher than the sun

[primal scream - higher than the sun]

today, i drew my first drawing in years.

sitting down on the bench, waiting for the train home which was coming in 16 minutes... i took out a small sketch book and a pen which i just bought today, and just drew what i saw, infront of me, in the twilight...

...church spires
...leaves/trees
...roofs
...chimneys
...lightning conductors
...antennae
...clouds

it wasnt a good, neither was it bad, drawing, it just was... a landscape study in pen and outlines... simple.

i wasnt after anything with a fluorish... in fact, i wasnt even sure if i could still draw and today was just a first step in years... it wasnt exalting, wasnt gratifying, but it was satisfying.

to be able to draw what i saw, and to put a date to it.

perhaps i shall give it a title too.

and so...

... i drew my first drawing in years.

addicted to sound

the problem with being upfront

everything gets boring, too quickly... sure a tune is good, a set could possibly be good... but its passe, too fast... how many tunes do u hear makes it to ur "classic" list?

when i hear a tune these days, i find myself wondering how long its appeal would last, afterall, i'd hate to get all excited about a new tune and next thing i know, im over it. like a crush it is.

same goes for producers.

u start picking out the same sounds they use, or start thinking a certain sound in a certain track sounds like deja vu... and u go... no, not another...

and yet... its a vicious cycle... as much as u get bored with the tunes when u FINALLY hear them played locally... u KNOW u're getting into trouble with this addiction to sound but u continually search for new ones, u thirst for it, u hunger for it... another day, another bassline, which will grace ur exalted ears today?

how boring is a set when u can spot 3/4 of it? or worse... when u know the track but cant remember it and it keeps bugging u and interrupts ur dancing? yes we've all been there, we know the frustration...

...and we continue doing it to ourselves, searching for the next hit, the next fix, whoring ourselves...

well i can think of a much worse vice.


this post partially inspired by the following conversation:

[01:33] <@denari> you know what the problem is?
[01:33] <@denari> we're all SO into the music and trainspotting it
[01:33] <@denari> that we've heard everything
[01:33] <@denari> so it's really hard to impress
[01:33] <@denari> it's probably a very good set
[01:33] <@denari> but you're tired of those records by now
[01:33] <@denari> but 99% of the crowd wasn't, and they loved it... and that's all that matters
[01:33] <@denari> moral of the story? newbies love anything

...and here i am, back
in a place
homely but
not

its strange this time round... maybe i've been in singapore for too long... maybe the government there is broadcasting some subliminal frequencies to brainwash her people. im feeling much more domesticated now... i still want to go out to parties and right now, im listening to andy jarrod & mark diciristo - vapourized 3, so i know i still enjoy my music, but at the same time, im wary of putting myself in an environment where drugs is the norm.

im not saying im gonna quit the drugs, im sure one day i will, but not right now, and i know better to make any resolutions on that. but im so wary, im almost scared of being tempted. maybe i just need time to get back into the swing of things, get a feel, make peace with the drugs before i start exploring the uncharted human psyche again.

it would be nice, but deceiving, to think i can go out clean and have a fun time... yes i do enjoy the music and yes i would have a good time but it would never be as fun as it could be with the drugs. at the back of my mind, there will always be this nagging thought of how much better it can be. but as someone wrote recently on bluelight, its an artificial high, an artificial happiness and perhaps, that is the problem, its artificial. and perhaps what im experiencing is progress, as another member of bluelight puts it.

enough of this morose business.

new year
...pain
...tears
...ache

i no longer like the person i am becoming

another thank you, for making me feel so welcomed on the night before my departure.

and just a few days ago, i was actually excited about coming home.

is there a home anymore?

i love u... i dunno why i keep saying it; im sure if someone dissected my psyche, it probably has its roots in insecurity and inadequacy. but i love u, and i cant seem to convey enough of how i feel, in those three simple words.

people use this phrase all the time but i find it so wanting, its too simple, too plain... it doesnt begin to describe how i feel or how you make me feel when we're together. no, it doesnt even come close to explaining or transcribing what goes on inside of me... let alone encapsulate my concept of us.

the fact that i've never felt like this? been happy for a person the way i am for u when i see u smiling even if im not the reason? constantly wanting to hold and touch u, even as we're walking? the way i miss u and constantly thinking of u as much as i try not to?

your smile
your smell
your hair
your eyes
your laughter

you

i love you

i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough

btw, thanx, i really needed to know i dont understand anymore, i did try, perhaps i should stop.

im not going to let myself feel anymore, im sick of feeling upset over everything u say... u were once as empathic but no longer and im the only left feeling everything whilst u are oblivious to what u do to me, as long as u get it out and... u're so full of anger, where does it end and where do u begin? u are the anger and it is u. and me? i am just the one who doest understand cos anger never took root in me.

it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.

u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.

but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.

i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?

anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.

ambient disjointed sounds
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.

someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter

speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes

music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body

i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien

sound becomes visuals becomes space

i want to scream

becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes

music

becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words

and i opened my

eyes through coloured lenses

sounds becomes space becomes visuals

opened my eyes

24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb