i no longer like the person i am becoming

another thank you, for making me feel so welcomed on the night before my departure.

and just a few days ago, i was actually excited about coming home.

is there a home anymore?

i love u... i dunno why i keep saying it; im sure if someone dissected my psyche, it probably has its roots in insecurity and inadequacy. but i love u, and i cant seem to convey enough of how i feel, in those three simple words.

people use this phrase all the time but i find it so wanting, its too simple, too plain... it doesnt begin to describe how i feel or how you make me feel when we're together. no, it doesnt even come close to explaining or transcribing what goes on inside of me... let alone encapsulate my concept of us.

the fact that i've never felt like this? been happy for a person the way i am for u when i see u smiling even if im not the reason? constantly wanting to hold and touch u, even as we're walking? the way i miss u and constantly thinking of u as much as i try not to?

your smile
your smell
your hair
your eyes
your laughter

you

i love you

i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough

btw, thanx, i really needed to know i dont understand anymore, i did try, perhaps i should stop.

im not going to let myself feel anymore, im sick of feeling upset over everything u say... u were once as empathic but no longer and im the only left feeling everything whilst u are oblivious to what u do to me, as long as u get it out and... u're so full of anger, where does it end and where do u begin? u are the anger and it is u. and me? i am just the one who doest understand cos anger never took root in me.

it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.

u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.

but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.

i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?

anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.

ambient disjointed sounds
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.

someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter

speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes

music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body

i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien

sound becomes visuals becomes space

i want to scream

becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes

music

becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words

and i opened my

eyes through coloured lenses

sounds becomes space becomes visuals

opened my eyes

24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb

A strange serenity has overpowered my stronger emotions today.
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence..
No more tossed back and forth from flights of fancy
To depths of despair
This is not the familiar numbness I crawl into
When I feel poised to break
It's almost like I've crawled out of some
Confining waiting bay
And reached full stride...
Unbridled restlessness infusing my every breath with energy
A sneaking suspicion plays with the corners of my mouth
Gently tracing whispers of secret smiles
Could it be?

---
Majestic bird in full flight..
A shot echoes through the air
And the bird falls..
Slowly testing every fibre of its being
Drawing ever closer to that final impact..
Wings tentatively spread and flex
And the bird flies true to the horizon
---

Could it be?
Shot down and falling
Spiralling towards that ever approaching conclusion
Still in the confusion and the panic
A tentative search found
All parts operational
Heart pounding, but not torn to shreds
I feel the whispers of secret smiles
Play across my face
My footholds found, I enjoy every moment as I wait

They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence...

-mez

amazing how u can ruin a lovely conversation

Adorned in black
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom

-ja

enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near

always afar
always beside

reaching
yearning
aching

to touch
to hold

never

except the final
embrace

It was an unexpected night..
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...

-mez

...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?

are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?

...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened

a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick

...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock

i think im turning into a social freak.

dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.

do i want to fit in?

yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.

perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.

it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?

and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.

i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly

all good things come to an end

gasp
.......reach

cant
br
eathe

gasp
.......cling

.......void

.......thud
chest
.......thud
heart
.......thud
sink

gasp

help

a
lone

a
gain

.......why?

inky blue
smokey grey
dusty dusk

shadows creep
through the blinds
into the room
into my eyes
my life
my heart

i cant see
the day ends

the music goes on

strange how your darkest secrets are poured out to a faceless stranger on the internet. blind honesty, leap of faith because the act does not come back to haunt you? ironic that after years of evolution and social engineering, we fallback on our most primal instinct to be part of a herd, to need contact, comfort, consolation from any quarters, and actually welcome the arms of a faceless stranger miles away, connected so tenuously with phone lines and optical fibre networks; data packets that gets repacked, gets shuffled, gets trasmitted, reassembled... our lives torn apart and put together for the scrutiny of a person unknown... our emotional well-being resting on something as fine a spider's web.

it is an amazing thing, this internet, what have we created? bringing us together as a planet... perhaps one day, we'd evolve into a single symbiotic being capable of representing ourselves as one... us the blood cells, the internet our veins... the planet a brain... ah... utopian visions.

what is that sound
ringing in my ears
the strangest sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of
two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of
one love
that neither one can hide

the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round

what is that sound
runing round my head
funny i thought
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
because there's someone
who make it beat again

the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round

lamb - what sound

i wished i could write something like this

its not amazing (saying that would be such a cliche); it is frightening how the internet has pervasively entrench itself in our mundane lives. one can hardly claim to be part of the 21st century and not have an email address or god forbid, an icq uin.

having said that... i survived the past 2 weeks without my virtual lifeline, the days turning into torturous nights of insomnia, staring up at the walls and ceiling and feeling claustrophobic.

the net is so much more than an instrument of communication, it has, in yours truly's case, become an addiction, an escape.

holed in the room, blinds shutting out the world intruding through the window, the ubiquitous monitor opens up to another world of sensory overload, a wonderous world of data, information, words, rubbish and porn.

i am in my element, the world truly at my fingertips.

one can almost imagine... one day, there'd be people like us, constantly connected to the net, constantly accessing data, assimilating, feeling for nuances, nodes, a la the protagonist in all tomorrow's party.

data-miners.

im feeling down again. after coming across the piece of writing i just posted, i went through some old emails i sent out over the year... it seems like there have been much happier times, and the frightening thing is, it's only been a year. i dont recognise myself in the emails. i couldnt possibly have grown or changed so much in the last year, not when i've had 24 years to reach where i am tonight.

i am so sad for the days gone... im turning 25 in october, and yet, it seemed like a year ago, life was indeed simpler and more innocent (who am i to be saying this). i think having to come to terms with missing someone changes a person a lot... the world becomes a much darker place with that little glimpse of light at the end, flickering so fragily like a candle, hope... dwindling and flaring so uncertainly. im becoming harsher and more numb.

gone are the days when i can smile and love with ease.

everything comes with a price now, carved out of me.

i shouldnt hold on to the past.

but when the present is not worth anything
the future is uncertain
and the past is depressing

where can i live?

sigh

i wished the choice was out of my hands... i wished someone would decide i am to die.

02092000:1420

i wish

i wish i could bottle everything up
{
dancing, prancing, tumbling, turning, flashing
fireflies
elusive
words
}

i wish i had a camera
{
capture
record
archive
time
people dancing, embodying music, paying homage
thoughts
emotions
breath
in technicolour glory
}

i wish i had paint
{
black, white
people disappearing in smoke
head
shoulder
arm
fading
in... out... wispy ghosts
}

can you hear it?
{
anticipate
close your eyes and i will be your guide
stand on the peak, look
wide open sky of the palest blue
empty expanse of land, rivers running like veins, life

take a step, of faith

fall... float, fly
}

can you hear it?
{
almost
that tingling melody, so soft, carried on the wind
sparking your consciousness, firing your nerves
carrying you up, higher.. higher
state
}

i wish i was a seismograph
can you see them?
{
heart-beat
breathing
shivers
tingles
}

i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough

shake it

can you see?
{
the twinkle of lights?
}

can you hear?
{
the music?
}

words
cannot capture

fireflies
let them fly

i wish

you were here

something i came across, written in september last year

we hold our wounds close
to heart

wanting

but
never letting
them go
so many words
where do we start

more words for pain
than joy

maybe we just cherish our pain more

time...

a journey is what i have to take,
to find myself that choice i must make.
to wonder through the hands of all time,
a vision of my life i must find.

the time has come for me to depart,
i'll leave the world a piece of my heart.
where i go you cannot follow,
if i'll be back i really don't know.

girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.

time......

you'll say you'll miss me i won't belive,
cause you laughed at me and all of my dreams.
but now the laughs are at your expense,
'cause where i go my dreams all make sense.

girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.

time...

the time
i'll never forget
those times that we spent
i'll never never, never forget
all those times, that we spent
girl you know
i'll never forget
all those times, that we spent
i'll remember, all those times that we spent
i'll remember, all those good times
all those times, that we spent

time......

- slam - lifetimes

numb/dead/emotionless
a torture beyond hurts

zombified
trapped
empty breathing shell

worse than death
i refuse to let myself be drained.

once emotionless/once numbed/ it's weird/ felt like a stone for mths/ nothing seems to matter/ stucked in a void where u dun really feel happiness and depressing shit doesn't seem to kill u either/ its like nothing matters and u only know u are embarked on this path of self destruction/ the light in u flickering / casting shadows on ur existence/ i rem seeking rest/ asking for an end/ to escape the void within/

it's not a good place. i hate that void. there's no ups and downs. just a zombie doing the everyday. i like to believe . i remind myself to believe that thru the abyss, one learns to appreciate the light of everyday.

if u
were
in my heart
i surly
not break u
if u were
beside me
and my love
would take u
i'll keep u
in safety
forever
protect u
i'll hide u
away from
the world
u rejected

i'll hide u

i'll hide u

i'll hide u

i'll hide u

-kosheen - hide u

empty | sorry | insecure | confused {i}

miss {u}

love {i,u}

im beginning to lose my connection with music... used to be able to listen to music when im down, submerge and lose myself in it and i'd go wherever the music wants to bring me... its happening less and less... now when im down, im just down, and im looking for things to numb myself with.

Maybe it's not true
The love we see on the TV
The sort we always imagine

Some things just don't come true
There'll always be some distraction
Like a shiny red balloon
That will eventually spoil everything

-yukun

shiny red balloon
of days gone by

speck in the sky
wide clear blue
bright sunny vista
of days gone by

look
touch
cold
glass

tv

-off-

starjourneywork.doc

what can i say to you friend, 1 day as me and father crested a hill dad told me "life isnt fair dont get your hopes up", I replied "why dad the world is beautiful", he said "beauty can be dangerous", I replied but "why would anyone want to hurt me", he said "the whole world is full of pain", i said "but dad I cant fix everything", he said "the future is in your hands", I said "but I just want to live", he said "life is hard you are lucky to be alive", I said "but I didnt choose to be born", he said "you still are responsible for your actions"


so as I walked down the hill we stood on dad stayed at the top, he said "why would you want to walk down there?, I can see everything from the top.", I did not answer and kept walking until i reached a small stream, I crossed it and walked into a meadow with lush grass with thousands of butterflies, i picked a handful of grass and on closer inspection found that each blade was infinitely different from its neighbour, and they glistened with irridescent dew, i put 1 blade in my pocket and walked back across the stream, and up the hill, when I reached the top I found night had fallen and my dad said "look what you where missing, look at those stars!" I handed dad the blade which he fingered with distaste and replied "but dad, I believe a blade of grass is no less than the journeywork of the stars dad" -walt whitman

[04:37] sometimes we get caught up in the problems of our life and dont allow ourselves to sit back and enjoy the enexplicable beauty of the moment
[04:37] dude this may seem arrogant but you should put this somewher to remind you to keep it real
[04:38] and to fuck off expectation


[this is from a good friend i met online (the wonders of modern technology bringing ppl together never fails to surprise nor amazes me), kieran, whose introspection, insights and maturity belies his age and who more often than not, provokes and gives me the tight slap of reality. he should definitely write more]

start: facelift

simple
minimal
line
leading
layout
draw
eyes
move
unified

but
narrow

end: facelift

[omni nectar brought to you by matt flook]

felt like u wanna cry but u cant?
or dying but u're too chicken?

stop glorifying it all. loser

the pit is such a familiar place but it feels like im visiting for the first time tonight
everytime i think the lump in my chest has hit the bottom, it sinks
somemore
when i take a breath.

weak fucking loser i am a knot of contradictions so tightly wound up in myself
idunseewhereitstartsorend
i am the self-righteous bastard who convinces himself he is
not.

i cant see anyone respecting me
im sure someone doesnt tonight
i dun deserve to be loved but please
i dun deserve to be in the perfect world i was in please

i cant
go
on

but i cant do the deed either.

fucking loser.

i am an ant
where is god's hand?

die die die

Kiss more

things i love abt u

u took melbourne away
with u
when u
left

picture
wall

featherlight
touch
carress
concrete
intangible

window
home

so near
reach
though
ouch
touch

concrete
paper

i miss u

reflections
rewind/ffwd/chapters of life/
each of us writing our own books
so different yet so alike
isolated in cells/
the prison of life.

[this is 04/04 from my defunct homepage]

§

[10082000:2147]

§

i like drinking red wine.

i do not profess to be an expert, or even know how to taste it.

i like the warmth it gives me in winter, the flush to my face... lights off, some candles burning, soft ambient music, or slow draggy druggy drum and bass... it makes the cold nights... more lonesome... and more bearable.

i stare into my glass of wine... and it is dark, fanthomless... and when the light catches it at the right angle, the hint, the flash of red.

flirtation... seduction... passion... blood

§

tonight has not been a good night.

i don't know why... i finished my dinner, and just

shut up shut out shut down.

i played with the cutlery... looked at my knife, looked at the edge... feel it with my finger.

i did not feel anything.

i looked at my finger and i thought of my wrist and i wondered if i would persist in not feeling anything if i cut myself.

cut myself

somewhere in my mind, the words formed themsleves, i could visualise them.

taste them.

in this age of internet connectivity, instantaneous communication, the world evolving into a macro-organism with us the cells and the information highway the veins... what is it like, to feel... disconnected from the people

sharing

your table?

§

i cut my finger, opening the wine tonight.

i did not feel anything.

i saw the blood welling up, this precious fluid. it was deep red and i thought to myself, "i must have cut pretty deeply", and i licked it.

i did not taste anything.

the blood is dried now, a deep, dark brooding red diagonal slash across my finger.

it looks like wax... sealing wax.

it looks like my wine, sitting dormant in the glass, waiting to catch the right angle...

flirtation... seduction... passion... blood

wax for a life written and finished

to be sealed

§

[this is 03/04 from my defunct homepage]

§

[02082000:0146]

§

im in melbourne now... alone.

i feel like i've been alone all my life and gotten used to it, but sometimes, it just rears its ugly head and hits you from out of nowhere.

like tonight.

here i am, my computer, my fags, my candlelight and my wine.

and it just hits me, how alone i am.

and even when i'm with people, i am not with them... sometimes it's like i am a spectator or a pedestrian, standing still and everyone passing me by.

i was thinking of ending it tonight, i was imagining the blood all over my bedsheet, the carpet... yes, it is a stupid thing to do or even think of, to end it just because i am alone.

but the feeling of being so utterly alone, and not having anyone to reach out to, existing in my own biosphere, seeing the world go by outside of me... there is that sense of helplessness, of seeing the world around you and not connecting with it, not being apart of;

have you felt that?

it's inside me all the time, but it's all in the background, pollution you learn to

ignore

s t

at

i... c

§

[this is 02/04 from my defunct homepage]

§

[14022000:1317]

§

i want to tell u about this girl i know. quite a coincidence really, considering the significance of today; if one were the sort to scry and look up in the night sky for portents. she showed up online on icq, out of the blue; as she found a home in my heart, unexpected as an unannounced guest, but not unwelcome.

it is somewhat befitting that i have the chance to tell this today.

ive known her for... almost three years now. have been close, have drifted. i first knew her as the girl who "ran" away from home after a quarrel with the boyfriend, found her alone after class, stopped to asked if she was alright, which became dinner by the road outside of subway, and a long chat.

and i sat there, listening to her voice, that soft, soft voice which seems to waver and then come back at u with a fierce determination. on the other occasions when we chatted, i find myself staring at her, snared by her eyes like some poor soon-to-be-roadkill caught in the swath of the hugest headlights on some vehicle. i looked into her eyes and wondered at the reflections on them, at the depths in them and at the emotions behind them. it felt like a blackhole deep into her and one naturally lost track of time. she had this very slim, tanned, athletic body, yet very delicate frame; though i would not be surprised if she was stronger than me, in more ways than one.

yes, i sound like a cliché.

but how does one describe his archetype of beauty? that natural understatement; confidence in looking desirable regardless of what she is wearing. the subtle arch of eyebrows, those cheeks seemingly brimming with life. she is elegance in movement, grace personified.

i admire her, for the strength in her, the ability to go on when she is constantly under the onslaught of degradation n mental abuse.

i admire her ability to hope.

do i love her? i dont know, i think i had a crush on her, perhaps still do, when i look upon her. i dont think about it, and it's easy, what with life being the way it is, the flow sweeps you along and you just get lost, gladly. no, i dont want to think about it, dont want to get pulled into that downward spiral like the last time... i swore to myself i would never sink so low again and i surround myself with people, never alone, and laugh everyday, i laugh and it helps.

yes, i think i have a crush on her... there is no other alternative i can afford to entertain nor explore... loss... regret... but it doesnt hurt anymore; only on the rare occasions when i do see her... yearning... and i dun see her anymore... and life continues sweeping me along.

§

[this is 01/04 from my defunct homepage]

§

[07022000:0845]

§

i bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
i watch the stars crash in the sea
if i could ask god just one question
why aren't u here with me...

tonight

§

lately, it's been depressing, n i haven't been so
for a while; long enuf to have forgotten it's always been there lurking in the sewers.

it's the eve of chinese new year, i think abt
the perennial ritual of reunion dinners n i think
abt my frens, ppl i have known for wat, ten yrs now.

n i miss them. i miss them, even though we're in the same country, within twenty minutes drive of each other. call me a sentimental fool, call me naive, call me unwise in this "growing up" process, but i miss them. it's ironic, but we were more in touch with each other when i was in australia, another in england, n another in america, n the rest in singapore. ever since coming back, it seems like there is no more reason for us to keep in touch; we are, after all, within twenty minutes drive of each other. we have followed our own paths, chasing our so-called dreams, building for ourselves the world we envisioned... n i find it sad, when i try to look into the future, i find it hard to see our private haven coming together.

sure, it's probably not as bleak as i imagine it, but i wished, perhaps, we were miles apart.

§

i wished the people around me can reside in my mind and know my thoughts
see with my eyes
hear with my ears
feel with my skin

a la being john malkovich

but of course that would be too easy

and the world would be a
simpler
happier
place

contented
contemplative
introspective
whimsical

in a world slowly slipping outta control

an insane mind in a sane world

liquid sounds, sharp glistening running over iccles, water running, lonely horns...
crystal, scintillating, strings.... mournful plucking, at my soul
drums deep soft mellow
beats insistence
hand running through windchimes, brushing the air, sounding, pulling chords in the air vibrating on crystalline silver threads through my sheared open mind
parted
pared
bared
raw...
synapse, firing twitching spark

what is this sound, this sound so clear plucking the fibers of my soul
plucking teasing at the raw
sprinkling dust on the raw expanse of my mind
sparkling as they alight
touching, disappearing... transient
scintillating tantalising, scalding soothing embalming

this intangible aural world around us surrounding us enveloping us

taken for granted, cast aside to the peripheral
only to be picked, turned, examined under the magnifying glass of the mind
when it's been here since... let there be SOUND

this intangible aural world around us surrounding us enveloping us

listen... the water running over the stones, the hands brushing thru air thru windchimes
droplets waves soft floating bouyed

music

[today's post brought to u courtesy of the quitessential progressive duo, sasha and digweed - northern exposure 01 cd01track01 Keiichi Suzuki / Satellite Serenade]

what is it about society that makes people conform? because humans are essentially animals and roam in herds, hence society? where's the respect for the individual? for the one person who stands by what he/she believes in, for the one person who tries to be honest with him/herself and in his/her interactions? what happened to knowing the person for who he/she is, rather than how he/she looks or what careers he/she has?

i'd like to know what happened to all these principles, these values... what's the world coming to when one has to bend the rules, twists his/her principles to survive. one's considered old-fashioned, naive, these days, and stubborn.

i just want to do what's right and people to do what's right by me.

is that too much of our old jaded world?

im growing back my hair

*baygon spray can on the way*

we are all ants

where is god's hand

die die die

amongst the behemoths
amongst the frail

amongst the sentinels
keeping
their silent watch

amongst the people
scurrying
about their lives

pause:

cheeks touching
hands holding
bodies hugging

tears unshed
tears dry

heart bared
heart barren

hollow
depth
falling
spiralling
disappear

go:

there i walk

amongst the frail
amongst the behemoths
alone

tiny ants that live in lil cracks are part and parcel of every HDB block. they don't amount to much but i have had ENOUGH! i am going to call a pest control company tomorrow. you don't see Melburnians having this problem.

why does life suck in its myriad ways

chillin winter winds, icy faces and cold feets
rubbing nose and snuggling suddenly sound very much appealing.
=)

before i met u

before i had a name

before i knew u

i've been loving u all my life

thank u

why are my blog in bold???? fucking nothing's right... ok, so its free so i shouldnt be complaining... fuck

prerogatives...

pms...

veto

music is the drug of preference

-digweed whore

do we live only for shouldering responsibilities, excel in all and let your progenitor glow and bask in glory hence they are happy? achieve. achieve. achieve. they scream, either in exceeding decibels or u hear their silent begs and dreams if they do not speak. guilt trips. achievements i will seek and i apologise to myself for failing to live my own dreams no matter how silly or dumbass they might be. i am after all only following the rules of utility. :|

[i repeat. we are trapped. we are all trapped in that vicious reality realm]

im a failure.

i know it for myself. it never seem to occur to the people around me, least of all my parents. i want to yell at them, scream hoarse at them, cant u see this? cant u look past ur self-delusions at foisting ur unfufilled dreams on me, and see me for the failure i am. i cannot be who i am, neither can i be who u aspired... and here i am(not), not u, not me, not anyone, nothing.

by ur unintentional decree.

i am a failure...

but

am i my failure,

or urs?

things i think of at 0553 in the morning:

i really ought to be sleeping

what the fuck's wrong with me

it's all doing down the drain

i know it

it's happening around me

swirling

adrift

down i go

and i'm just observing

placidly

things i think of at 0544 in the morning:

there should be a brainscan for everyone. a quantitative measure of a person's sum-total knowledge, regardless of what a person is knowledgable in. and it shall be cataloged in a person's permernant records together with life details such as social security number, first/last name, etc.

this shall serve as a means of measurement, akin to an iq score.

life would then be simplified.

stepping on the driveway
saying hi to my dog
burying my face in his fur
smelling him

stepping thru the door
feeling the cold hard floor
like
seeing my dad on the couch
reading

the tv
inane images
static
noise

... aroma wafting from the kitchen
dinnertime
soups
rice
dishes

to the table!

despair is hanging like tapestry in the air.
weaving itself thru
bringing suffocating, excruciating pain
undead.
i wish for the scythe of death upon my head.


u r not alone in ur distress
we r all trapped.

alone
confusedconfusedconfused
alone
dont wanna be

screamscreamscream
silent
:x

helphelphelp

pls

alone

orange
red
pink
magenta

wispy vistas
smokey tendrils

meltin
dissolvin

burn, burn, burn!

fire in the sky

...and here's to another day down the gutter

last night a dj saved my life

that's the title of a book... i kinda like the sound of it

the way music awakens me
the way it beats in my chest

i wished it would sustain my hearbeat

i wished i could live off music

i wished

[note: this post was triggered by bedrock 2 again, cd1 track6, bill hamel presents innate and andy moor - barotek (blackwatch threshold dub); tribal driving bassline u can ride on and just what is that damn metallic sound?!]

living, warm flesh i can hold
body scent uniquely mine to smell
a face mine to touch
hair to stroke

my lil meow meow

tired
but
dare
not
sleep

cos im missing

sharing the sun
sharing the air
sharing the laughter
sharing the hugs
sharing the lil kisses
sharing the world

wanting to breathe
wanting to smile
wanting to live

it was good to be away

but

im home

i maybe prince of stories, but i have no story of my own

i am, in my own fashion, an island

-paraphrased from memory, sandman issue 75, neil gaimen

Deception... all life is deception, for without deception few can face the cold impartiality of the universe or the fact that it will go on and we will die, never benefiting fully from what was or at all from what we have struggled to create, but striving against the darkness of self-deception. Yet... the struggle in itself has meaning because the universe exists. Merely existing, the universe lacks meaning, and only a deceptive being can bring meaning to the impartial fact of meaninglessness.

And, as I can, that is what i will do, knowing that we, or the ancients, have created a being that some call God. Our old dreams have been found wanting, even as we are more than gods, more than truth, for truth does not exist, never has. I will fail, and failing, will succeed. I will die, later or sooner, and what I understand will be lost, for when men and women seek truth, what they find is as deceptive as lies, and neither truth nor lies exist outside of a deceptive soul. -gravity dreams, l.e. modesitt, jr., 1999

looks like blogspot is still down... this is becoming quite irritating.

im listening to deep dish - yoshiesque 2 and everything sounds muffled... i think i've done permernant ear damage since thursday night... fuck

holy shit... thermobee and stratosphere - diminished responsibility is... diminishing the capacity for... my... brain... to... function

*2 days later when brain is functioning in limited capacity*

hmmm thermobee and stratosphere - diminished responsibility is the last track on bedrock 2... kinda left me hanging there... so much for the journey...

i always believed a mixed compilation or a dj set should bring the listener on the journey, and bring him/her home.

listening to jimmy van m - bedrock 2, finishing the last track on cd1, minimalistix - struggle for pleasure

one of those compilations that brings u on a journey... the smooth mixing, the subtle buildup that is so gradual b4 u realise what's going on, u find urself wearing out ur chair rocking in it ur body starts to move ur fingers starts to fly over the keyboard in response to the beat and beautiful tantalising soundscapes and u're off...

...to that place which only music can bring u to.

whoa... solid sessions - janeiro just came in on cd2...

bedrock 2 easily tops the must-have compilation for the month, havent been so thrilled with a compilation since gu19

[disclaimer: the author of this post is totally sober and straight as he typed this]


a young boy puts a feather into his mouth...... -jeff noon

apathy... what an insidious creature it is, it slimes, it oozes, it slithers into the dark recess of the little black room in your head and there it lurks... subtly poisoning your thoughts, your ideals, your emotions and before u know it, u're just sitting there, a drooling idiot.

alright, that might sound extreme, but it's quite amazing how apathy and procastination goes so well together.

[its all going down the drain]

[.spot on.] abt music-triggered euphoria
i like it when the music rushes thru my skin n explode from within. =)
cafe del mar - energy 52 just did that for me today whilst on a train to the city.

i closed my eyes and peaked.

i've been listening to some "old" music the past few days... compiling a Global Underground "sound bank", all the GU compilations ever released. it's like going back in time, tracing my roots. i can still picture my frens and i in the car, waiting for another fren, HDB blocks looming above us, streetlamps ... and there we were in the still of the night, totally enraptured by nalin and kane - beachball (gu03 cd1 track2), the sound of the seagulls and the singer's voice... back then, we had affectionately nicknamed it "the seagull track".


memory is the greatest trigger for euphoria, its a natural high so personal and so poignant, it overwhelms any chemically-induced state of consciousness.


two other tracks i've re-discovered:

dj saskin and friends - protect your mind (van bellen mix) (van bellen has to be the master of mellow breakdowns heh also check out his newer remixes, breeder - new york fm, sugargliders - slow motion)

jark prongo - movin' thru your system (vocal-driven track with a bassline that just washes over u like a tsunami n keeps u movin' and movin'... and movin')


im sure i had another track in mind but its gone for the moment...


a young boy puts a feather into his mouth...... -jeff noon


ps. note to self, i have got to figure out how to include a signature

nobody's an island
everyone has to go
.everyday ramblings.

*bows to O great master of rams and hdd*
i am -- no more. i am ~galadriel~ making her sleep deprived presence felt on the blogger.
rite. i need sleep. btw. this is a tiny relevation of my moments of insanity.

alright, this will be the last post for the night responding to --'s post abt the nickname ;P

anyone here read jeff noon? im a big fan and read just about all his books(vurt, pollen, nymphomation, pixel juice, needle in the groove, automated alice, etc), except for two, one of which is titled "cobralingus".
so there i was on the public bus reading "vurt" (which i borrowed from the library), flipped the page and found a marijuana leaf nicely pressed like someone had been using it as a bookmark. maybe its no big deal coming across that here(australia), but "Oceania" would best describe the place im from

incidentally, "vurt" is the name of a virtual drug in the book and is ingested by licking a coloured feather.

and "vurtomatic", i coined

this is taken from the Bluelight forum board which i am a member of.


a young boy puts a feather into his mouth...... -jeff noon

why am i a --? hahaha now i am typing junk in vurtie's bloggie. *grinz*

*incomin~galadriel~* i got a notice from vurtomatic ...which incidentally i just realised the meaning. Maybe u should tell ppl what it means for i like the representation of it.
[moments of insanity]

solid sessions - janeiro is something i've been listening to recently, would say its up there with sander kleinenberg - my lexicon and ashtrax - helsinki for personal favourites. would recommend it to anyone into progressive trance... its the kinda mellow track that u dun really soar on... it wraps u up in itself, lets u float and bask... it brings me to an earlier earth with edenic rainforests and sun filtering thru the canopy of leaves and the air itself sparkling with magic. oh yeah... the quiet bittersweet emotion that wells up in me... can almost touch it... just there, in the depth of my chest, reverberating to the organ.

i believe music is as close as we get to the language we lost after the tower of babel. its the unspoken language of culture which appeals to some primal aspects of our psyche. it strikes a primeval chord within us which has the potential to reverberate through our our physical and emotional beings. as long as there is a beat, a melody, i find my body identifying with it, conciously or unconciously, a part of my body responds, be it my feet, my hands or my hearbeat. music is such an intrisic part of my life, it feels like a communion when i listen to it. however, i try to stay away from music with straight-forward vocals... they bore me. i dun need someone telling me how happy he/she is, how heartbroken, and i certainly dun need ppl singing to me abt their suicidal tendencies. i want to feel it for myself, and electronic music, more specifically progressive/deep house/trance gives me that. the ethereal voice lets my emotions soar or plunge with it; simple as that.


listening to music is akin to reading good prose; it's all alphabets and words... but it is the way they are put together cohesively, lycrically, poetically, that make books or music a joy to read or listen to. i find myself going back and listening to music i have not heard in a while and re-appreciating it, in light of my own personal growth and relating to my life right now. there is no "old" music, there is always a new way of listening to it... music in its paradoxical complexity is so layered, one can always sift through the layers and discover something new. its the little sounds that fire your synapses(and makes me wonder why i never noticed it b4), that every individual appreciates in their own manner.


and one might suppose, that is the most wonderous thing abt music... every individual sharing the same music with you in a venue, and yet experiencing the music in their own private world... a communal and self-discovering journey.


i look forward to sharing it with u.


a young boy puts a feather into his mouth...... -jeff noon

well, i've come across blog b4 on a friend's homepage but din realise blogger.com had hosting service... so here i am, joining the rest of blog-world. i have a homepage which is similar in idea, just an online journal, no-holds barred... cos i was sick of coming across cutesey homepages.


this is just my first post to see how this thing works :D


im sure there'll be more to come


in the wee hours on the morning


therein stalks the netaddict


a young boy puts a feather into his mouth...... -jeff noon