26.11.01
im not going to let myself feel anymore, im sick of feeling upset over everything u say... u were once as empathic but no longer and im the only left feeling everything whilst u are oblivious to what u do to me, as long as u get it out and... u're so full of anger, where does it end and where do u begin? u are the anger and it is u. and me? i am just the one who doest understand cos anger never took root in me.
it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.
u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.
but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.
i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?
anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.
it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.
u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.
but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.
i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?
anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.
25.11.01
ambient disjointed sounds
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.
someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter
speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes
music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body
i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien
sound becomes visuals becomes space
i want to scream
becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes
music
becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words
and i opened my
eyes through coloured lenses
sounds becomes space becomes visuals
opened my eyes
24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.
someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter
speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes
music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body
i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien
sound becomes visuals becomes space
i want to scream
becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes
music
becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words
and i opened my
eyes through coloured lenses
sounds becomes space becomes visuals
opened my eyes
24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb
22.11.01
A strange serenity has overpowered my stronger emotions today.
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence..
No more tossed back and forth from flights of fancy
To depths of despair
This is not the familiar numbness I crawl into
When I feel poised to break
It's almost like I've crawled out of some
Confining waiting bay
And reached full stride...
Unbridled restlessness infusing my every breath with energy
A sneaking suspicion plays with the corners of my mouth
Gently tracing whispers of secret smiles
Could it be?
---
Majestic bird in full flight..
A shot echoes through the air
And the bird falls..
Slowly testing every fibre of its being
Drawing ever closer to that final impact..
Wings tentatively spread and flex
And the bird flies true to the horizon
---
Could it be?
Shot down and falling
Spiralling towards that ever approaching conclusion
Still in the confusion and the panic
A tentative search found
All parts operational
Heart pounding, but not torn to shreds
I feel the whispers of secret smiles
Play across my face
My footholds found, I enjoy every moment as I wait
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence...
-mez
15.11.01
Adorned in black
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom
-ja
enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near
always afar
always beside
reaching
yearning
aching
to touch
to hold
never
except the final
embrace
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom
-ja
enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near
always afar
always beside
reaching
yearning
aching
to touch
to hold
never
except the final
embrace
It was an unexpected night..
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...
-mez
...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?
are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?
...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened
a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick
...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...
-mez
...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?
are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?
...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened
a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick
...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock
10.11.01
i think im turning into a social freak.
dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.
do i want to fit in?
yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.
perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.
it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?
and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.
i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly
dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.
do i want to fit in?
yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.
perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.
it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?
and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.
i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)