im turning 26 this year, and have been going out for the past ten years. i discovered progressive house couple of years ago (5 or 6 years ago a friend introduced me to the early renaissance and ministry of sound compilations, and underworld. northern exposure 1, was that earlier?) the first dj mixed compilation i owned was oakenfold - perfecto fluoro. i remember being so excited about this music i was hearing i had to bring my discman out and let my then girlfriend hear it. and there i was smiling and anticipating like a kid discovering something new, as she put on the earphones and after a few minutes of listening, she returned it to me, not displaying a marked increment in enthusiasm.

i am very anal about who i go out with, not because i was, or am, cool or l33t. but i realised there was only a select few who shared the same passion, who appreciate what i love on the same level. to this day, i remember seeing my friend with his eyes closed, hands outstretched infront of him, soaking up chicane - offshore. i remember us laughing and jumping when we heard hybrid drop sander kleinenberg - my lexicon. i remember us looking at each other across a dancefloor, not needing to say anything, just pointing in the air at a good track and the knowing grin.

music was more than just background entertainment to facilitate social interactions, to us, music was it, there was nothing else. we didnt go out to meet people, to rub shoulders or to drink... we went out for the music and everything else was secondrary. and this was before i discovered drugs and even till today, drugs too are secondrary.

my present girlfriend and i hear the same thing in music. we used to run to each other asking if we just heard a particular sound in a track or sms each other... and after a while, we stopped doing that, because we knew wherever we were, we heard the same sound that brought a smile to our faces, we didnt have to check with each other anymore.

i could dance my head off while out, or just as easily, stand still with my eyes closed and on opening them again, surprised to find myself in an enclosed space with someone's back in my face, momentarily disoriented.

my apologies if this is all personal and rambling... im trying to relate what music means and does to me.

people tell me i would change as i got older. my priorities would become different; but music was never a priority, it was a passion, not external to my life. its intrinsic.

i cant imagine not having music in my life... silence is just too empty to bear.

and to all these people who share the music, respects, i probably would never meet you, but its good to know there's someone out there sharing the music.

a death in the family

he was an acquintance, always seeing him around grinning and dancing madly. looked like he lived his moments to the fullest. i feel a loss which i tell myself is not rational, as much as he could be another stranger. but he crossed my path briefly and one would like to think these things happen for a reason.

the fact that he seemed to throw himself into life and enjoyed it made an impression on me, and i wanted to know this person.

no more.

there will be a gap at the parties where he should be, dancing and grinning madly, infecting the people around him.

i hope u continue to rock the place, wherever that might be.

there are no endings, only transitions.

my brightest star's my inner light
let it guide me
experience and innocence
bleed inside me
hallucinogens can open me
or untie me
i drift in innerspace
free of time
i find a higher state of grace
in my mind

im beautiful
i wasnt born to follow
i live just for today, dont care about tomorrow
what ive got in my head you cant buy, steal or borrow
i believe in live
and let live
i believe you get
what you give

ive glimpsed
i have tasted
fantastical places
my soul's
an oasis
higher than the sun

im
higher than the sun

[primal scream - higher than the sun]

today, i drew my first drawing in years.

sitting down on the bench, waiting for the train home which was coming in 16 minutes... i took out a small sketch book and a pen which i just bought today, and just drew what i saw, infront of me, in the twilight...

...church spires
...leaves/trees
...roofs
...chimneys
...lightning conductors
...antennae
...clouds

it wasnt a good, neither was it bad, drawing, it just was... a landscape study in pen and outlines... simple.

i wasnt after anything with a fluorish... in fact, i wasnt even sure if i could still draw and today was just a first step in years... it wasnt exalting, wasnt gratifying, but it was satisfying.

to be able to draw what i saw, and to put a date to it.

perhaps i shall give it a title too.

and so...

... i drew my first drawing in years.

addicted to sound

the problem with being upfront

everything gets boring, too quickly... sure a tune is good, a set could possibly be good... but its passe, too fast... how many tunes do u hear makes it to ur "classic" list?

when i hear a tune these days, i find myself wondering how long its appeal would last, afterall, i'd hate to get all excited about a new tune and next thing i know, im over it. like a crush it is.

same goes for producers.

u start picking out the same sounds they use, or start thinking a certain sound in a certain track sounds like deja vu... and u go... no, not another...

and yet... its a vicious cycle... as much as u get bored with the tunes when u FINALLY hear them played locally... u KNOW u're getting into trouble with this addiction to sound but u continually search for new ones, u thirst for it, u hunger for it... another day, another bassline, which will grace ur exalted ears today?

how boring is a set when u can spot 3/4 of it? or worse... when u know the track but cant remember it and it keeps bugging u and interrupts ur dancing? yes we've all been there, we know the frustration...

...and we continue doing it to ourselves, searching for the next hit, the next fix, whoring ourselves...

well i can think of a much worse vice.


this post partially inspired by the following conversation:

[01:33] <@denari> you know what the problem is?
[01:33] <@denari> we're all SO into the music and trainspotting it
[01:33] <@denari> that we've heard everything
[01:33] <@denari> so it's really hard to impress
[01:33] <@denari> it's probably a very good set
[01:33] <@denari> but you're tired of those records by now
[01:33] <@denari> but 99% of the crowd wasn't, and they loved it... and that's all that matters
[01:33] <@denari> moral of the story? newbies love anything