[another day... another day... just breathe... another day... just believe... another day... just breathe... im used to it by now -telepopmusik]
i am sure, one day, i will look back at this period of my life, who knows, we might both look back together, over a cup of coffee (a cafe latte without froth for you), shoulders hunched over a table too low, aroma wafting into our nose like the breeze i remember in ur hair.
and because, it would be one day in the future, when i would be older, and wiser, no? i can look back at myself, sitting cross legged, hunched, teary, typing this out on a keyboard stained by my fingers. listening to her singing to me, to breathe... to believe.
when i live again... and can bear to revisit this chapter...
perhaps, i can look back with you, amused, and have a laugh at life, youth and how, losing you was the end of my world.
but it was
19.8.02
its a strange thing... i've experienced many times, but it just dawned on me, clicked together last night. i have many masks in my social life, the faces i put on in different social situations... not because i am a hyprocrite, but that's just how adaptive i am to people around me, i feed off vibes and return them, and its not necessarily a good thing when one is so emotionally sensitive. it used to bother me that i do not seem to have a consistent character, besides my most fundamental beliefs and principles... my self-expression/interaction changes with a snap of a finger to fit the context of a current company.
so i grew up with it, and just not think about it; i'm just better at dealing with different people, life goes on easily enough.
last night, as i danced to the music, i finally found a center for myself, where its stable and i dont have to think about myself or anything. it was just purely the music and i, holding a conversation. it felt right, no faces, no mannerisms and self-deception, i cant explain what a revelation it was (no i wasnt tripping). the me who move and re-orientate with every transient lapping wave of my psyche... i finally found a center. i found me, which doesnt need to adapt, oblige, answer to.
just two of us, the music and i, having an exhillirating converation and at times, not even one, but just a silent nod of acknowledgement, acceptance, respect and a small smile on my face. it was a silent victory... i was certainly not about to run all over the place shouting like the mad man i might have looked like, or did. i was satisfied, having found something new about the music that rules my life, contented, that i discovered something about, rather, found myself.
i dont know how long this will last, or if it will even cascade down into my life... but as my body was talking to the music, i found an equilibrium and peace.
although it still doesnt compare to being in love (oh how i miss the joys of drawing a deep lungful of air, wanting to burst out laughing becos life was beautiful and i was where i am... yes i miss that very much); i still miss her, and i think of her every moment, as i am doing right now, wishing with every breath and yet, exhaling; i havent had this peace and surety within for a long time.
all my self-doubts, my lack of faith in my fellow beings (having someone shred away my belief and understanding can do that), my cynicism; for the few hours last night, i lost them all.
i didnt need people, i didnt need anything, i didnt need to open up and be vulnerable, i didnt need to build anything... the music was there, always been, the music and i. we had an understanding, unspoken.
my one constant companion who has never let me down, in the right hands.
i am very grateful, for that few hours.
to all of u who love the music, thank you for sharing my life.
i lost myself tonight
in the depths of
basslines, claps, hi-hats, synths
my many facades
my many mannerism
i lost
them
all
my gins
my grimaces
lost
them
all
ego pared away
the ghost in the shell
the soul in the machine
that i was
lost
it
all
to the music
just guiding my mind into a deeper abyss
dissolute
dissolved
i feel a beat
i am there
punctuating it
feet, arms, elbows and hands
no more self
just body parts
my mind
a clean slate
to be written on
i lost myself tonight
the music becoming
my reality
my totality
threw it all away
i found myself in the music
the one true me
that doesnt smile and speak of nothing
i found the center of my being
and it was grounded in beats
i lost and found
me
so i grew up with it, and just not think about it; i'm just better at dealing with different people, life goes on easily enough.
last night, as i danced to the music, i finally found a center for myself, where its stable and i dont have to think about myself or anything. it was just purely the music and i, holding a conversation. it felt right, no faces, no mannerisms and self-deception, i cant explain what a revelation it was (no i wasnt tripping). the me who move and re-orientate with every transient lapping wave of my psyche... i finally found a center. i found me, which doesnt need to adapt, oblige, answer to.
just two of us, the music and i, having an exhillirating converation and at times, not even one, but just a silent nod of acknowledgement, acceptance, respect and a small smile on my face. it was a silent victory... i was certainly not about to run all over the place shouting like the mad man i might have looked like, or did. i was satisfied, having found something new about the music that rules my life, contented, that i discovered something about, rather, found myself.
i dont know how long this will last, or if it will even cascade down into my life... but as my body was talking to the music, i found an equilibrium and peace.
although it still doesnt compare to being in love (oh how i miss the joys of drawing a deep lungful of air, wanting to burst out laughing becos life was beautiful and i was where i am... yes i miss that very much); i still miss her, and i think of her every moment, as i am doing right now, wishing with every breath and yet, exhaling; i havent had this peace and surety within for a long time.
all my self-doubts, my lack of faith in my fellow beings (having someone shred away my belief and understanding can do that), my cynicism; for the few hours last night, i lost them all.
i didnt need people, i didnt need anything, i didnt need to open up and be vulnerable, i didnt need to build anything... the music was there, always been, the music and i. we had an understanding, unspoken.
my one constant companion who has never let me down, in the right hands.
i am very grateful, for that few hours.
to all of u who love the music, thank you for sharing my life.
i lost myself tonight
in the depths of
basslines, claps, hi-hats, synths
my many facades
my many mannerism
i lost
them
all
my gins
my grimaces
lost
them
all
ego pared away
the ghost in the shell
the soul in the machine
that i was
lost
it
all
to the music
just guiding my mind into a deeper abyss
dissolute
dissolved
i feel a beat
i am there
punctuating it
feet, arms, elbows and hands
no more self
just body parts
my mind
a clean slate
to be written on
i lost myself tonight
the music becoming
my reality
my totality
threw it all away
i found myself in the music
the one true me
that doesnt smile and speak of nothing
i found the center of my being
and it was grounded in beats
i lost and found
me
i caught up with a friend last night. we were both rolling off our tits and as is with such circumstances, we were talking a lotta shit but outta all the crap we spewed, he claimed we were best friends. now i never subscribed to this best friend business and i was kinda surprised and duly skeptical, so i asked him why. and he said, its cos we dont have to see each other, but when we do, we can just cut to the chase, no bullshit, and carry on from whenever we left off, or as the current situation dictates. which is true, it was like that with us and i value him for saying that.
i havent been comforted like this for a while, having someone have faith in me and in a friendship and i think, in hindsight now, i am very touched by it.
he wont know, and i wont mention it cos its just not the kinda mushy thing guys say to each other when we're sober, but thank you, besides the music, his company, our very messy conversation, was all i took home with at the end of the night.
thanks for a good night dude.
i havent been comforted like this for a while, having someone have faith in me and in a friendship and i think, in hindsight now, i am very touched by it.
he wont know, and i wont mention it cos its just not the kinda mushy thing guys say to each other when we're sober, but thank you, besides the music, his company, our very messy conversation, was all i took home with at the end of the night.
thanks for a good night dude.
18.8.02
it was a dark and stormy night, as how these nights go. no, it wasnt stormy, that was just theatrics.
kaesey taylor graced the decks in singapore for the second time, bringing with him his own brand of stormy darkness.
having had a disappointing night from anthony pappa (another fellow melbournian), expectations were high for mr taylor and in my books, he surpassed it. touching down in singapore at 9pm, playing at milkbar and then catching his next flight out of town; given the circumstances, he delivered a blinding set of technical exquisity.
respects.
kasey started off his set much deeper than i was used to hearing him play, reminding me very much of a melbourne institution, sunny/sunny side up... the deep dark dirty sound of australia. fortunately, rather than getting too deep and hypnotic for the average punter (people are known to have described the sound as "monotonous" and "boring"), kasey built up the set with more driving basslines. ah... the basslines, deep, riding, galloping, driving... they all blend together like a beautiful cocktail, flavours sliding, swirling, complementing each other... an apt analogy i should think. the sounds, the basslines, the beats, flowing into each other like liquid. synths and vocals floating on top with a deft touch of detail the way a painter puts highlights into a painting.
as these deep progressive sets go, vocals were not used overtly. but when they come in, soaring so incongruently with the basslines and sharp beats, we were all caught off guard. just when i thought i had leaped off a cliff into an abyss of audio decadency, my body floats along with the vocals, my mind bouyant in wonder (unknown - sanctuary). and then, a few tracks later, plunge further with a hypnotic monologue of the evil stephane k + pqm - insane poem.
back into the dark kasey brought us, sprinkled with echoes and "techy" synths. creating an ambient hollow expanse of space, occupied by sounds that cut acrossed my perception like knives, and the subtlest of melodies courtesy of debo + porter - deported; a track i've been waiting to hear played out.
medway + sean cusick - fiscal ep [graffiti] takes the set to the three quarter mark, a deep, growling bassline with an old skool, uplifting (if u can imagine "deep, growling" together with "uplifting") melody in itself. one of my recent favourite tracks, i was somewhat surprised that kasey played it, but thankful... it brought to the set, a certain optimism, that ultimately, its all good.
and then... finally, taking the journey home, cosmos - take me with you... a journey within the track itself. that moment of clarity, when i heard kasey mixing that last track, syncing so perfectly, blew me away. it was so smooth, just sliding into place like it so wholly belonged in the previous track, had me grinning and looking to friends if they caught it. there is nothing like hearing a good mix/transition, catching it, and marvelling at how it all fits together.
having caught anthony pappa and kasey taylor on consecutive nights... it dawned on me, on the dancefloor of milkbar. that is what the dj is at the decks for, putting pieces of music together, so well, so smooth, basslines all keyed... the sole purpose of a dj, to provide a continous journey of sound, uninterrupted by poor technical ability. kasey taylor was a far cry from anthony pappa, whose every track transition made me cringe at the intruding beats and basslines.
dancing becomes effortless under the guidance of a master who knows groove like his own heartbeat.
kasey taylor, will, and is, going places with his masterfuly crafted sets, his unique sound of deep and drive, building a set with such effortless progression that it keeps punters moving without realising.
it was a very optimistic sign for the singapore scene, that we are not solely reliant on the big players to bring in djs of a high-calibre and professionalism, and most importantly, good, quality progressive house. it did not matter what the punters came for, if they even knew who kasey taylor was...
they came
they danced
they paid homage.
[kasey taylor @ milkbar, a review]
kaesey taylor graced the decks in singapore for the second time, bringing with him his own brand of stormy darkness.
having had a disappointing night from anthony pappa (another fellow melbournian), expectations were high for mr taylor and in my books, he surpassed it. touching down in singapore at 9pm, playing at milkbar and then catching his next flight out of town; given the circumstances, he delivered a blinding set of technical exquisity.
respects.
kasey started off his set much deeper than i was used to hearing him play, reminding me very much of a melbourne institution, sunny/sunny side up... the deep dark dirty sound of australia. fortunately, rather than getting too deep and hypnotic for the average punter (people are known to have described the sound as "monotonous" and "boring"), kasey built up the set with more driving basslines. ah... the basslines, deep, riding, galloping, driving... they all blend together like a beautiful cocktail, flavours sliding, swirling, complementing each other... an apt analogy i should think. the sounds, the basslines, the beats, flowing into each other like liquid. synths and vocals floating on top with a deft touch of detail the way a painter puts highlights into a painting.
as these deep progressive sets go, vocals were not used overtly. but when they come in, soaring so incongruently with the basslines and sharp beats, we were all caught off guard. just when i thought i had leaped off a cliff into an abyss of audio decadency, my body floats along with the vocals, my mind bouyant in wonder (unknown - sanctuary). and then, a few tracks later, plunge further with a hypnotic monologue of the evil stephane k + pqm - insane poem.
back into the dark kasey brought us, sprinkled with echoes and "techy" synths. creating an ambient hollow expanse of space, occupied by sounds that cut acrossed my perception like knives, and the subtlest of melodies courtesy of debo + porter - deported; a track i've been waiting to hear played out.
medway + sean cusick - fiscal ep [graffiti] takes the set to the three quarter mark, a deep, growling bassline with an old skool, uplifting (if u can imagine "deep, growling" together with "uplifting") melody in itself. one of my recent favourite tracks, i was somewhat surprised that kasey played it, but thankful... it brought to the set, a certain optimism, that ultimately, its all good.
and then... finally, taking the journey home, cosmos - take me with you... a journey within the track itself. that moment of clarity, when i heard kasey mixing that last track, syncing so perfectly, blew me away. it was so smooth, just sliding into place like it so wholly belonged in the previous track, had me grinning and looking to friends if they caught it. there is nothing like hearing a good mix/transition, catching it, and marvelling at how it all fits together.
having caught anthony pappa and kasey taylor on consecutive nights... it dawned on me, on the dancefloor of milkbar. that is what the dj is at the decks for, putting pieces of music together, so well, so smooth, basslines all keyed... the sole purpose of a dj, to provide a continous journey of sound, uninterrupted by poor technical ability. kasey taylor was a far cry from anthony pappa, whose every track transition made me cringe at the intruding beats and basslines.
dancing becomes effortless under the guidance of a master who knows groove like his own heartbeat.
kasey taylor, will, and is, going places with his masterfuly crafted sets, his unique sound of deep and drive, building a set with such effortless progression that it keeps punters moving without realising.
it was a very optimistic sign for the singapore scene, that we are not solely reliant on the big players to bring in djs of a high-calibre and professionalism, and most importantly, good, quality progressive house. it did not matter what the punters came for, if they even knew who kasey taylor was...
they came
they danced
they paid homage.
[kasey taylor @ milkbar, a review]
i lost myself tonight, in the depths of basslines, claps, hi-hats, synths... i lost, and found myself tonight. my many facades, mannerism... i lost them all. my gins, my grimaces...lost them all. ego pared away, there was only the ghost in the shell, the soul in the machine that i became. lost it all to the music; just guiding my mind into a deeper abyss. dissolute, dissolved, i feel a beat, i am there, punctuating it feet, arms, elbows and hands... no more self, just body parts, my mind a clean slate to be written on. i lost myself tonight, the music becoming my reality, my totality. threw it all away, and i found myself in the music, the one true me that doesnt smile and speak of nothing... i found the center of my being and it was grounded in beats.
10.8.02
"-You are mortal: it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live."
Dream to his son Orpheus, in Brief Lives
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live."
Dream to his son Orpheus, in Brief Lives
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