pounding... pounding... dark
bassline
sexy... lazy... breathy... spacey... filtered
voice
swirling... travelling
synth
building building... techy stabs... blocky chunks...
dont be so contrived
the voice slides in... twirling around like smoke, intertwined with the swirling synth, existing in the ambient echoes of space
who do i share this with?
who would understand this visualisation of sound and music?
its existence in my aural space?
[blh3 - marscarter (debo + porter mix)]
24.4.02
i went to a fundraiser tonight.
a friend asked.
so i went.
went there after school, in the rain, sick as a dog, looked in the doorway, went up the stairs, donated, and hung around.
the place looked like an art gallery, i suppose that's why they decided to use it, no leap of logic there. i didnt know anyone there, and i didnt know what was going on, really just standing around trying to figure it all out amidst the smoke, talk and laughter (no i wasnt involved in said activities).
and i found myself questioning... were those people there tonight truly artists, or try-hards?
and i found myself questioning myself why i was questioning.
i find myself very skeptical of such activities... i am much more appreciative of street artists than the company tonight. somehow, the whole setup was just too extravagent in a way... what exactly are these people skilled at? what are they artists for? generating masks and papparrazi fodder(sp)?
am i envious of them? because i had the chance to pursue my creative urges long time ago and lost it? i could be where they are tonight, and no more?
i wished she was with me, i could've asked her then, and we would have had a good time laughing, at myself, and at them.
a friend asked.
so i went.
went there after school, in the rain, sick as a dog, looked in the doorway, went up the stairs, donated, and hung around.
the place looked like an art gallery, i suppose that's why they decided to use it, no leap of logic there. i didnt know anyone there, and i didnt know what was going on, really just standing around trying to figure it all out amidst the smoke, talk and laughter (no i wasnt involved in said activities).
and i found myself questioning... were those people there tonight truly artists, or try-hards?
and i found myself questioning myself why i was questioning.
i find myself very skeptical of such activities... i am much more appreciative of street artists than the company tonight. somehow, the whole setup was just too extravagent in a way... what exactly are these people skilled at? what are they artists for? generating masks and papparrazi fodder(sp)?
am i envious of them? because i had the chance to pursue my creative urges long time ago and lost it? i could be where they are tonight, and no more?
i wished she was with me, i could've asked her then, and we would have had a good time laughing, at myself, and at them.
23.4.02
i cant talk
my heart is killing me too much
im getting panic attacks
just from giving monosyllabic replies
there is no one
there is none
i want and i dont want, to be babysat, i know i have to see this through alone, oh god, help
i cant talk
i dont want to think
i just want to curl up
into a tiny dot
and then
disappear
sorry
my heart is killing me too much
im getting panic attacks
just from giving monosyllabic replies
there is no one
there is none
i want and i dont want, to be babysat, i know i have to see this through alone, oh god, help
i cant talk
i dont want to think
i just want to curl up
into a tiny dot
and then
disappear
sorry
20.4.02
we are all alone.
i've realised, ultimately, no matter wat happens, even if u have someone, a partner in a relationship, or anyone for that matter, thinking u can depend on that person is just a delusion on my part, im always alone, no one is going to understand/sympathise/empathise with me, that's just life
the world is an impartial place, the universe more so... there is no right or wrong, there are no morals... afterall, the universe we exist in (including our world), simply exists and is. we are but chaff in the cosmic winds. rights and wrongs, morals, are what man project onto himself, to take comfort and security in, to justify his own existence and actions. when the universe does not need such justification, it is, and will remain so, even as man lives out his existence on this rock which is but dust.
life becomes simpler if one was to assume he was alone, albeit selfish but simpler.
relationships are a farce, we are only lying to each other in the most loving way possible (and somehow, just because we love each other, makes it more bearable and forgivable), and taking comfort in each other when there is none to be given.
i have loved twice in my life, the first time, i learnt the lesson hard and swore to myself i would never be such a dog to someone ever again, and i would never cry for someone again. the second time, i thought this could be it, afterall, i never asked or looked for it, if this was fate, so be it, i shall not be the fool, let fate play me for the fool, but never myself. i have not cried, somehow, my body refuses to, as much as i would like to get it out and over with, i lie in bed wrecked with shakes and gasps, but never any tears. so i kept my promise to myself, never to cry for someone, and it looks like i am, might, have to, (i dunno, i hope, i still hope) re-learn the lesson again. practice makes perfect, is that not what they say.
by that analogy, i think i am on my way to perfecting how to be alone.
ultimately, we all live for ourselves.
i've realised, ultimately, no matter wat happens, even if u have someone, a partner in a relationship, or anyone for that matter, thinking u can depend on that person is just a delusion on my part, im always alone, no one is going to understand/sympathise/empathise with me, that's just life
the world is an impartial place, the universe more so... there is no right or wrong, there are no morals... afterall, the universe we exist in (including our world), simply exists and is. we are but chaff in the cosmic winds. rights and wrongs, morals, are what man project onto himself, to take comfort and security in, to justify his own existence and actions. when the universe does not need such justification, it is, and will remain so, even as man lives out his existence on this rock which is but dust.
life becomes simpler if one was to assume he was alone, albeit selfish but simpler.
relationships are a farce, we are only lying to each other in the most loving way possible (and somehow, just because we love each other, makes it more bearable and forgivable), and taking comfort in each other when there is none to be given.
i have loved twice in my life, the first time, i learnt the lesson hard and swore to myself i would never be such a dog to someone ever again, and i would never cry for someone again. the second time, i thought this could be it, afterall, i never asked or looked for it, if this was fate, so be it, i shall not be the fool, let fate play me for the fool, but never myself. i have not cried, somehow, my body refuses to, as much as i would like to get it out and over with, i lie in bed wrecked with shakes and gasps, but never any tears. so i kept my promise to myself, never to cry for someone, and it looks like i am, might, have to, (i dunno, i hope, i still hope) re-learn the lesson again. practice makes perfect, is that not what they say.
by that analogy, i think i am on my way to perfecting how to be alone.
ultimately, we all live for ourselves.
17.4.02
what we could have been once upon a time.
images
flashes
memories
flashes
too fast
cant
grab
stop
hold
dont
feel
and yet,
its there
something
i cant touch
nothing
i daren't go near.
what do i do with it?
it sits in my chest, a dead weight
sapping the life
making the dead
i want to open it up
assimilate it
i want the pain
to sear
i want the tears
to hurt
but nothing comes
stuggle to breathe
heart pounding
but nothing comes
what could we have been once upon a time?
nothing comes.
images
flashes
memories
flashes
too fast
cant
grab
stop
hold
dont
feel
and yet,
its there
something
i cant touch
nothing
i daren't go near.
what do i do with it?
it sits in my chest, a dead weight
sapping the life
making the dead
i want to open it up
assimilate it
i want the pain
to sear
i want the tears
to hurt
but nothing comes
stuggle to breathe
heart pounding
but nothing comes
what could we have been once upon a time?
nothing comes.
its locked away... the wall is up, i dont know when i'll let it out again, even as i secretly hope there is a reason to bring the wall down before it is too firmly in place.
i lay in bed today, images and memories flashing across my mind's eye at random, my heart pounding and my lungs gasping, every time i tried to chase down these images and memories, when i try to hold it in my mind, examine them, feel them, let them wash over me; i tried to cry, i managed a wetting of my eyes.
i cant touch on them, my body physically stops me with wrecks of shakes and lack of breath, my heart pounding too hard i darent push myself.
i cant.
its locked, the wall is up.
i just want to let it out and cry, and i cant.
i hope it stays this way.
i lay in bed today, images and memories flashing across my mind's eye at random, my heart pounding and my lungs gasping, every time i tried to chase down these images and memories, when i try to hold it in my mind, examine them, feel them, let them wash over me; i tried to cry, i managed a wetting of my eyes.
i cant touch on them, my body physically stops me with wrecks of shakes and lack of breath, my heart pounding too hard i darent push myself.
i cant.
its locked, the wall is up.
i just want to let it out and cry, and i cant.
i hope it stays this way.
all good things come to an end... ive said it before, and im saying it now... perhaps this is the final goodbye... who knows, i dont. im bitter and indignant about it, im upset about it... im relieved and yet, i dont want to be. i dont even feel anything right now except my mind swimming in johnny walker.
yes im imbibing alcohol, not for no reason, but it certainly doesnt help... blame it on social conditioning, it feels right, and i need that feeling now, amongst all the wrong.
i dont feel anything.
ofcos im telling myself that, but i cant afford to, sigh.
i'll survive, i have to.
no other options.
i hate life, i hate everything i've done, but im trying so hard not to hate.
i dont feel anything, the wall goes up, its not my fault, its not.
yes im imbibing alcohol, not for no reason, but it certainly doesnt help... blame it on social conditioning, it feels right, and i need that feeling now, amongst all the wrong.
i dont feel anything.
ofcos im telling myself that, but i cant afford to, sigh.
i'll survive, i have to.
no other options.
i hate life, i hate everything i've done, but im trying so hard not to hate.
i dont feel anything, the wall goes up, its not my fault, its not.
15.4.02
sometimes... i have the feeling my friend and i are the only sane people around. and im a pretty messed up person myself, or used to be... im forcing myself to improve now, because i dont have a choice... no one is here for me, no one is my emotional crutch. i realise last year the person i love, i cant turn to when i need it, which is further reeinforced by recent events.
where does that leave me? i cant afford to sink into the hole i was in last year, i dont want to be stuck here forever, i want to go home (im scared though... the way things look right now... i dont know if there is a home to go back to, again). that is my motivation now, that is what drives me, knowing that if i was the me last year, i would never leave which in turn would prolong this whole problem with being here... its a vicious cycle, methinks.
so i tell myself, u cant depend on anyone, just suck it up, bear with it, grind ur teeth if u have to, but fucking get over it, cos no one's here, the world doesnt care about me... the universe certainly doesnt for sure.
no... im not the sanest person at times, but this is as good as it gets for me, the realisation, the acceptance, and the willingness to move on.
it makes me wonder... if i am the only sane person around, what does it say about the people around me?
where does that leave me? i cant afford to sink into the hole i was in last year, i dont want to be stuck here forever, i want to go home (im scared though... the way things look right now... i dont know if there is a home to go back to, again). that is my motivation now, that is what drives me, knowing that if i was the me last year, i would never leave which in turn would prolong this whole problem with being here... its a vicious cycle, methinks.
so i tell myself, u cant depend on anyone, just suck it up, bear with it, grind ur teeth if u have to, but fucking get over it, cos no one's here, the world doesnt care about me... the universe certainly doesnt for sure.
no... im not the sanest person at times, but this is as good as it gets for me, the realisation, the acceptance, and the willingness to move on.
it makes me wonder... if i am the only sane person around, what does it say about the people around me?
11.4.02
thank god for the music.
there are times i might come across as bigotted or arrogant (not that i really care what people think of me anyway) when it comes to music and what i like.
i love this music i listen to, i take pride in loving it, i take pride in knowing it, i take pride in appreciating it, because it is the one passion in my life, it is the one thing which i can assimilate into myself, it is the one thing that guides me in my day to day existence, its peaks and troughs.
some of u know what im saying, some of u never will, this is not arrogance, this is just the way it is. accept it. i am not posting this to antagonise people.
music is like a language to me, the lost language of babel if u will, as some of u have heard me referring. it is the language of cultures, of races, it is the language that is honest and true because it doesnt need to be presented with words. it is heard, it is felt, it beats in the heart.
how do i explain it? i cant.
it is like a psychedelic experience, u can only experience it because no words of man will ever do it justice. i can give u a detailed explanation of how mdma or lsd works, i can give u a detailed description of its physical effects and symptoms, i can even give u a general description of its mental effects, but these are ONLY the quantifiable variables.
there is the unquantifiable ones, the x factors.
i cant cos i dont know the technical side of it, but if i could, i can rave about the structure of a tune, the sounds in it, the basslines, the vocals, ultimately, these are only technicalities.
there is the x factor.
why am i posting this... tonight, thinking about all the traumas and problems in my life as they happen before, right now, and in the future, it dawned on me.
music is the one consistent element in my life.
it is the one thing i CAN depend on, when i am at my lowest depth or my highest peak. it has never failed me the way people do. it brings me up, it brings me down, the way life does. i have music, i have a beat, every single moment of my life. when im awake, i listen to it, when im lying in bed, i listen to it in my heart's beating.
ever since i discovered it, it has been the one dependable companion on this journey, the one thing i can trust because everthing else changes but the moment i hear the music, the moment it gets parsed by my brain and i define my interpretation of what i hear, takes on the identity i project onto it, it becomes mine, it becomes me.
like i said, some of u will know what im saying, some wont understand this fanaticism, some will think they know what im saying.
accept it.
im feeling particularly fucked right now, because certain things keep recurring and i am weary and tired, i fight the good fight, i try even though i dont know why, all for a hope and memories. a single tenous thread holding me up and my mind is fraying right now.
but there is the music still.
and hence this post, i would like to take a moment of your time reading this, and thank god (figuratively speaking ofcos) for the music.
amen.
[james holden - nothing]
there are times i might come across as bigotted or arrogant (not that i really care what people think of me anyway) when it comes to music and what i like.
i love this music i listen to, i take pride in loving it, i take pride in knowing it, i take pride in appreciating it, because it is the one passion in my life, it is the one thing which i can assimilate into myself, it is the one thing that guides me in my day to day existence, its peaks and troughs.
some of u know what im saying, some of u never will, this is not arrogance, this is just the way it is. accept it. i am not posting this to antagonise people.
music is like a language to me, the lost language of babel if u will, as some of u have heard me referring. it is the language of cultures, of races, it is the language that is honest and true because it doesnt need to be presented with words. it is heard, it is felt, it beats in the heart.
how do i explain it? i cant.
it is like a psychedelic experience, u can only experience it because no words of man will ever do it justice. i can give u a detailed explanation of how mdma or lsd works, i can give u a detailed description of its physical effects and symptoms, i can even give u a general description of its mental effects, but these are ONLY the quantifiable variables.
there is the unquantifiable ones, the x factors.
i cant cos i dont know the technical side of it, but if i could, i can rave about the structure of a tune, the sounds in it, the basslines, the vocals, ultimately, these are only technicalities.
there is the x factor.
why am i posting this... tonight, thinking about all the traumas and problems in my life as they happen before, right now, and in the future, it dawned on me.
music is the one consistent element in my life.
it is the one thing i CAN depend on, when i am at my lowest depth or my highest peak. it has never failed me the way people do. it brings me up, it brings me down, the way life does. i have music, i have a beat, every single moment of my life. when im awake, i listen to it, when im lying in bed, i listen to it in my heart's beating.
ever since i discovered it, it has been the one dependable companion on this journey, the one thing i can trust because everthing else changes but the moment i hear the music, the moment it gets parsed by my brain and i define my interpretation of what i hear, takes on the identity i project onto it, it becomes mine, it becomes me.
like i said, some of u will know what im saying, some wont understand this fanaticism, some will think they know what im saying.
accept it.
im feeling particularly fucked right now, because certain things keep recurring and i am weary and tired, i fight the good fight, i try even though i dont know why, all for a hope and memories. a single tenous thread holding me up and my mind is fraying right now.
but there is the music still.
and hence this post, i would like to take a moment of your time reading this, and thank god (figuratively speaking ofcos) for the music.
amen.
[james holden - nothing]
10.4.02
i hate this... should i, should i not... i know if i do it, i'd regret it and be haunted by it, afterall, i was staking the rest of my life on this... and yet, one has to wonder... when the person cannot be depended on at crunch time, what does that have to say for the future?
it is always very disappointing to discover an ugly reality.
and yet i always hold on, thinking things were and could be good again.
life sucks, but we all know that.
and im posting quite a bit tonight... im just feeling indignant and wronged.
blog does not seem to be publishing properly tonight... i have to go into edit mode and re-post and publish b4 it goes up... go figure, its probably having a bad day/night like me.
it is always very disappointing to discover an ugly reality.
and yet i always hold on, thinking things were and could be good again.
life sucks, but we all know that.
and im posting quite a bit tonight... im just feeling indignant and wronged.
blog does not seem to be publishing properly tonight... i have to go into edit mode and re-post and publish b4 it goes up... go figure, its probably having a bad day/night like me.
i really should be updating this more... on the perchance that someone might actually read this and wonder ha right.
i always thought i'd use this space for thoughts that spring to mind, the quiet moments when i am feeling introspective, usually when im coming down, heh... i suppose right now it qualifies, drinking some red wine infront of the computer, listening to sasha and digweed's essential mix, and now playing gu22.
caught anthony pappa recently... been a bit of a fan since his nubreed but not crazy about him. boy did he blow me away... i have never heard a dj play so hard and maintain the flow and energy in a 4-hour set as well as he did. mixing was spot on though i heard him mess up maybe twice which was corrected. there were moments in his set when i just could not dance to it at all, such was the energy and the bpm, i was just sitting down shaking my head in amazement.
well that was the high point this month.
but...
sasha and digweed, my god... digweed is good as always, being the digweed whore i am... but its good to hear sasha back in form, solid sessions - janeiro (holden remix) -> james holden - nothing -> decepticons - eastern promises -> chimera - just doing my own thing, that 20 minutes in the second hour was just pure bliss, in your face melodic assault. i could've done without decepticons, spoilt the lushness of the soundscape for me, though i wonder if my mind would be able to handle janeiro, nothing, and just doing my own thing, in succession. for the first time i hear a set at home and i was literally rushing, not like with mdma but just pure adrenal... and i had a headache after that, man these natural peaks are taxing heh.
sigh... cass and slide - mind rewind is one wicked tune, the breakdown is just pure evil. one thing my friend and i have decided, cass and slide are artistes in the truest sense, u can never pigeon hole their sound, just listening to their essential mix shows their myriad musical influence, i respect that.
sigh, one thing about these moments... always get me down... its probably just the wine, i gave up drinking them a year ago afte realising that get me melancholic. wonder why im doing this to myself now.
sigh.
i hate it when circumstances are uncertain and outta control... not that i CAN control the circumstances but i dont even KNOW the circumstances... its easy to say one should just chill out and and go with the flow and yet... how can u do that if u truly cared?
sigh
notice a trend here... i only post when im feeling fucked, and i wasnt even feeling fucked to begin with... maybe blog gets me down.
i always thought i'd use this space for thoughts that spring to mind, the quiet moments when i am feeling introspective, usually when im coming down, heh... i suppose right now it qualifies, drinking some red wine infront of the computer, listening to sasha and digweed's essential mix, and now playing gu22.
caught anthony pappa recently... been a bit of a fan since his nubreed but not crazy about him. boy did he blow me away... i have never heard a dj play so hard and maintain the flow and energy in a 4-hour set as well as he did. mixing was spot on though i heard him mess up maybe twice which was corrected. there were moments in his set when i just could not dance to it at all, such was the energy and the bpm, i was just sitting down shaking my head in amazement.
well that was the high point this month.
but...
sasha and digweed, my god... digweed is good as always, being the digweed whore i am... but its good to hear sasha back in form, solid sessions - janeiro (holden remix) -> james holden - nothing -> decepticons - eastern promises -> chimera - just doing my own thing, that 20 minutes in the second hour was just pure bliss, in your face melodic assault. i could've done without decepticons, spoilt the lushness of the soundscape for me, though i wonder if my mind would be able to handle janeiro, nothing, and just doing my own thing, in succession. for the first time i hear a set at home and i was literally rushing, not like with mdma but just pure adrenal... and i had a headache after that, man these natural peaks are taxing heh.
sigh... cass and slide - mind rewind is one wicked tune, the breakdown is just pure evil. one thing my friend and i have decided, cass and slide are artistes in the truest sense, u can never pigeon hole their sound, just listening to their essential mix shows their myriad musical influence, i respect that.
sigh, one thing about these moments... always get me down... its probably just the wine, i gave up drinking them a year ago afte realising that get me melancholic. wonder why im doing this to myself now.
sigh.
i hate it when circumstances are uncertain and outta control... not that i CAN control the circumstances but i dont even KNOW the circumstances... its easy to say one should just chill out and and go with the flow and yet... how can u do that if u truly cared?
sigh
notice a trend here... i only post when im feeling fucked, and i wasnt even feeling fucked to begin with... maybe blog gets me down.
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