[this is 04/04 from my defunct homepage]

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[10082000:2147]

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i like drinking red wine.

i do not profess to be an expert, or even know how to taste it.

i like the warmth it gives me in winter, the flush to my face... lights off, some candles burning, soft ambient music, or slow draggy druggy drum and bass... it makes the cold nights... more lonesome... and more bearable.

i stare into my glass of wine... and it is dark, fanthomless... and when the light catches it at the right angle, the hint, the flash of red.

flirtation... seduction... passion... blood

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tonight has not been a good night.

i don't know why... i finished my dinner, and just

shut up shut out shut down.

i played with the cutlery... looked at my knife, looked at the edge... feel it with my finger.

i did not feel anything.

i looked at my finger and i thought of my wrist and i wondered if i would persist in not feeling anything if i cut myself.

cut myself

somewhere in my mind, the words formed themsleves, i could visualise them.

taste them.

in this age of internet connectivity, instantaneous communication, the world evolving into a macro-organism with us the cells and the information highway the veins... what is it like, to feel... disconnected from the people

sharing

your table?

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i cut my finger, opening the wine tonight.

i did not feel anything.

i saw the blood welling up, this precious fluid. it was deep red and i thought to myself, "i must have cut pretty deeply", and i licked it.

i did not taste anything.

the blood is dried now, a deep, dark brooding red diagonal slash across my finger.

it looks like wax... sealing wax.

it looks like my wine, sitting dormant in the glass, waiting to catch the right angle...

flirtation... seduction... passion... blood

wax for a life written and finished

to be sealed

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[this is 03/04 from my defunct homepage]

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[02082000:0146]

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im in melbourne now... alone.

i feel like i've been alone all my life and gotten used to it, but sometimes, it just rears its ugly head and hits you from out of nowhere.

like tonight.

here i am, my computer, my fags, my candlelight and my wine.

and it just hits me, how alone i am.

and even when i'm with people, i am not with them... sometimes it's like i am a spectator or a pedestrian, standing still and everyone passing me by.

i was thinking of ending it tonight, i was imagining the blood all over my bedsheet, the carpet... yes, it is a stupid thing to do or even think of, to end it just because i am alone.

but the feeling of being so utterly alone, and not having anyone to reach out to, existing in my own biosphere, seeing the world go by outside of me... there is that sense of helplessness, of seeing the world around you and not connecting with it, not being apart of;

have you felt that?

it's inside me all the time, but it's all in the background, pollution you learn to

ignore

s t

at

i... c

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[this is 02/04 from my defunct homepage]

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[14022000:1317]

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i want to tell u about this girl i know. quite a coincidence really, considering the significance of today; if one were the sort to scry and look up in the night sky for portents. she showed up online on icq, out of the blue; as she found a home in my heart, unexpected as an unannounced guest, but not unwelcome.

it is somewhat befitting that i have the chance to tell this today.

ive known her for... almost three years now. have been close, have drifted. i first knew her as the girl who "ran" away from home after a quarrel with the boyfriend, found her alone after class, stopped to asked if she was alright, which became dinner by the road outside of subway, and a long chat.

and i sat there, listening to her voice, that soft, soft voice which seems to waver and then come back at u with a fierce determination. on the other occasions when we chatted, i find myself staring at her, snared by her eyes like some poor soon-to-be-roadkill caught in the swath of the hugest headlights on some vehicle. i looked into her eyes and wondered at the reflections on them, at the depths in them and at the emotions behind them. it felt like a blackhole deep into her and one naturally lost track of time. she had this very slim, tanned, athletic body, yet very delicate frame; though i would not be surprised if she was stronger than me, in more ways than one.

yes, i sound like a cliché.

but how does one describe his archetype of beauty? that natural understatement; confidence in looking desirable regardless of what she is wearing. the subtle arch of eyebrows, those cheeks seemingly brimming with life. she is elegance in movement, grace personified.

i admire her, for the strength in her, the ability to go on when she is constantly under the onslaught of degradation n mental abuse.

i admire her ability to hope.

do i love her? i dont know, i think i had a crush on her, perhaps still do, when i look upon her. i dont think about it, and it's easy, what with life being the way it is, the flow sweeps you along and you just get lost, gladly. no, i dont want to think about it, dont want to get pulled into that downward spiral like the last time... i swore to myself i would never sink so low again and i surround myself with people, never alone, and laugh everyday, i laugh and it helps.

yes, i think i have a crush on her... there is no other alternative i can afford to entertain nor explore... loss... regret... but it doesnt hurt anymore; only on the rare occasions when i do see her... yearning... and i dun see her anymore... and life continues sweeping me along.

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[this is 01/04 from my defunct homepage]

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[07022000:0845]

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i bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
i watch the stars crash in the sea
if i could ask god just one question
why aren't u here with me...

tonight

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lately, it's been depressing, n i haven't been so
for a while; long enuf to have forgotten it's always been there lurking in the sewers.

it's the eve of chinese new year, i think abt
the perennial ritual of reunion dinners n i think
abt my frens, ppl i have known for wat, ten yrs now.

n i miss them. i miss them, even though we're in the same country, within twenty minutes drive of each other. call me a sentimental fool, call me naive, call me unwise in this "growing up" process, but i miss them. it's ironic, but we were more in touch with each other when i was in australia, another in england, n another in america, n the rest in singapore. ever since coming back, it seems like there is no more reason for us to keep in touch; we are, after all, within twenty minutes drive of each other. we have followed our own paths, chasing our so-called dreams, building for ourselves the world we envisioned... n i find it sad, when i try to look into the future, i find it hard to see our private haven coming together.

sure, it's probably not as bleak as i imagine it, but i wished, perhaps, we were miles apart.

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i wished the people around me can reside in my mind and know my thoughts
see with my eyes
hear with my ears
feel with my skin

a la being john malkovich

but of course that would be too easy

and the world would be a
simpler
happier
place

contented
contemplative
introspective
whimsical

in a world slowly slipping outta control

an insane mind in a sane world

liquid sounds, sharp glistening running over iccles, water running, lonely horns...
crystal, scintillating, strings.... mournful plucking, at my soul
drums deep soft mellow
beats insistence
hand running through windchimes, brushing the air, sounding, pulling chords in the air vibrating on crystalline silver threads through my sheared open mind
parted
pared
bared
raw...
synapse, firing twitching spark

what is this sound, this sound so clear plucking the fibers of my soul
plucking teasing at the raw
sprinkling dust on the raw expanse of my mind
sparkling as they alight
touching, disappearing... transient
scintillating tantalising, scalding soothing embalming

this intangible aural world around us surrounding us enveloping us

taken for granted, cast aside to the peripheral
only to be picked, turned, examined under the magnifying glass of the mind
when it's been here since... let there be SOUND

this intangible aural world around us surrounding us enveloping us

listen... the water running over the stones, the hands brushing thru air thru windchimes
droplets waves soft floating bouyed

music

[today's post brought to u courtesy of the quitessential progressive duo, sasha and digweed - northern exposure 01 cd01track01 Keiichi Suzuki / Satellite Serenade]

what is it about society that makes people conform? because humans are essentially animals and roam in herds, hence society? where's the respect for the individual? for the one person who stands by what he/she believes in, for the one person who tries to be honest with him/herself and in his/her interactions? what happened to knowing the person for who he/she is, rather than how he/she looks or what careers he/she has?

i'd like to know what happened to all these principles, these values... what's the world coming to when one has to bend the rules, twists his/her principles to survive. one's considered old-fashioned, naive, these days, and stubborn.

i just want to do what's right and people to do what's right by me.

is that too much of our old jaded world?

im growing back my hair

*baygon spray can on the way*