im feeling down again. after coming across the piece of writing i just posted, i went through some old emails i sent out over the year... it seems like there have been much happier times, and the frightening thing is, it's only been a year. i dont recognise myself in the emails. i couldnt possibly have grown or changed so much in the last year, not when i've had 24 years to reach where i am tonight.

i am so sad for the days gone... im turning 25 in october, and yet, it seemed like a year ago, life was indeed simpler and more innocent (who am i to be saying this). i think having to come to terms with missing someone changes a person a lot... the world becomes a much darker place with that little glimpse of light at the end, flickering so fragily like a candle, hope... dwindling and flaring so uncertainly. im becoming harsher and more numb.

gone are the days when i can smile and love with ease.

everything comes with a price now, carved out of me.

i shouldnt hold on to the past.

but when the present is not worth anything
the future is uncertain
and the past is depressing

where can i live?

sigh

i wished the choice was out of my hands... i wished someone would decide i am to die.

02092000:1420

i wish

i wish i could bottle everything up
{
dancing, prancing, tumbling, turning, flashing
fireflies
elusive
words
}

i wish i had a camera
{
capture
record
archive
time
people dancing, embodying music, paying homage
thoughts
emotions
breath
in technicolour glory
}

i wish i had paint
{
black, white
people disappearing in smoke
head
shoulder
arm
fading
in... out... wispy ghosts
}

can you hear it?
{
anticipate
close your eyes and i will be your guide
stand on the peak, look
wide open sky of the palest blue
empty expanse of land, rivers running like veins, life

take a step, of faith

fall... float, fly
}

can you hear it?
{
almost
that tingling melody, so soft, carried on the wind
sparking your consciousness, firing your nerves
carrying you up, higher.. higher
state
}

i wish i was a seismograph
can you see them?
{
heart-beat
breathing
shivers
tingles
}

i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough

shake it

can you see?
{
the twinkle of lights?
}

can you hear?
{
the music?
}

words
cannot capture

fireflies
let them fly

i wish

you were here

something i came across, written in september last year

we hold our wounds close
to heart

wanting

but
never letting
them go
so many words
where do we start

more words for pain
than joy

maybe we just cherish our pain more