my own voices whispering thoughts i never had, emotions once held in check. the one thing i do understand, keeps repeating itself over and over, incessant, urgent; trying to inscribe itself into my grey matter, digging into the soft, wet organ, carving its own valley amidst the twisted grooves: "i dont need anyone". burning an indelible mark, smouldering with hatred.
hatred... not something im accustomed to, it sits there, not feeling anything, just a lump of nothing, void around it. i can feel my chest rising and falling with every breath, my heart beating and then, nothing, just this nothing, at the centre of me... i can only feel its persence by its absence.
i can feel anger, deep within, wanting to lash out at everyone, pushing everyone away and i stumble with my words, not knowing what to say to people, my eyes drift and darts, not connecting with anyone... i am an animal, hypnotised by this angry hatred within, like the headlights of an oncoming vehicle... i am caught in its thrall, helpless, consumed, driven.
i cant stop it... i can feel the walls closing me in and i cant stop it... torn, afraid, knowing it is for the better and no, no... no... i dont want it.
i hate the world, i hate the people around me, i hate my friends, every facial expression, every sentence, word, nuance, torn down and sifted, looking... looking for more reasons to push them away.
cos i dont need anyone.
17.7.02
i ask myself, who's the one who's changed... is it me, or is it u? have i changed because u did so? yes... that must be it, that must be why, i dont feel anything like home in me, just this cavity where u used to be.
perhaps it is some plan of yours? if so, yes, u've succeeded, i cant imagine ever having loved u. oh yes, succeeded indeed, i cant imagine having shared myself with u. a life? no, that cant be right... a future? really? have we ever contemplated that? did we ever sit under the stars, overlook the city lights and pour our hearts out? surly this wasnt real, surly... surly it must have meant something if it was, indeed, real. were we lovers, or just dreamers? was that a dream and is this a wake now?
have i felt the touch of your lips, have i stroked your face and brushed aside stray hair as u sleep? i recall that vaguely... i recall all that, and looking at your closed eyes, your nose flaring as u breathed.
no... this cant be right... i remember making love to someone with hunger in her eyes, i remember looking into her eyes as we fitted so perfectly snug together, oblivious to time, light moving across the floor, striping our bodies and then we slept, and we woke and loved more; looped... was that you? surly u jest, surly... it had to be someone else... no, not you.
i remember feeling... something so big; so great and grander than me, than the physical, my chest cant hold it in and i cant breathe... and i remember telling someone im trying to, but im sorry, i am so sorry, because i cannot tell u how it feels, i cannot explain this beauty and all i have were these three words:
i love you
and they are not enough, they could not begin to connote... how could they, when my heart cant even contain what i felt?
i remember feeling like that once... and it seems, it was just a prelude to this afterall. it seems that is the lesson... to change and not be the fool no more... dont feel, dont love, dont share. it is quite amazing how much power to hurt a person has, when he or she is loved; that i know now. and it seems its true too, an advice given in a time past... always hold a bit of yourself back.
never is too long and no...
every single time
we touch
u leave
me
dead.
perhaps it is some plan of yours? if so, yes, u've succeeded, i cant imagine ever having loved u. oh yes, succeeded indeed, i cant imagine having shared myself with u. a life? no, that cant be right... a future? really? have we ever contemplated that? did we ever sit under the stars, overlook the city lights and pour our hearts out? surly this wasnt real, surly... surly it must have meant something if it was, indeed, real. were we lovers, or just dreamers? was that a dream and is this a wake now?
have i felt the touch of your lips, have i stroked your face and brushed aside stray hair as u sleep? i recall that vaguely... i recall all that, and looking at your closed eyes, your nose flaring as u breathed.
no... this cant be right... i remember making love to someone with hunger in her eyes, i remember looking into her eyes as we fitted so perfectly snug together, oblivious to time, light moving across the floor, striping our bodies and then we slept, and we woke and loved more; looped... was that you? surly u jest, surly... it had to be someone else... no, not you.
i remember feeling... something so big; so great and grander than me, than the physical, my chest cant hold it in and i cant breathe... and i remember telling someone im trying to, but im sorry, i am so sorry, because i cannot tell u how it feels, i cannot explain this beauty and all i have were these three words:
i love you
and they are not enough, they could not begin to connote... how could they, when my heart cant even contain what i felt?
i remember feeling like that once... and it seems, it was just a prelude to this afterall. it seems that is the lesson... to change and not be the fool no more... dont feel, dont love, dont share. it is quite amazing how much power to hurt a person has, when he or she is loved; that i know now. and it seems its true too, an advice given in a time past... always hold a bit of yourself back.
never is too long and no...
every single time
we touch
u leave
me
dead.
6.7.02
twisted, funk, groove, breaks, beats, basslines... throw them into a bowl, pound them with a pestle, grind them with the twists of your wrist, spread out the paste...
...the space which the absence of sound occupies
where empty speaks volumes and all the itsy bitsy twisted beats in between and not, implied.
just sits there in the space they so distinctly occupy, weaving into the basslines, and aloof.
two masters at work, each doing his thing the only way he knows how to, two different sounds so distinctly individual and so comfortably at home coming out of the same set of speakers. it is a rare sight tonight, to bear witness to two djs with such amazing synery, so interchangably playing decks, another playing efx and more often than not, arms reaching across each other to add that touch of individuality to what the other is doing. the unspoken trust and communion between these two, the lack of ego, synergistic, symbiotic... they feed off each other like opposing twins in a womb, and we are privileged with a gestation which is greater than its parts, defined by the two and yet, wholly defiant of them.
the sounds take on a life of their own, teased, seduced, spat out of the speakers... sounds cohesive and yet, so interchangable, like building blocks of sound; taken from their rightful place, moved, shifted by the chunks and beats and placed into new slots of time stretched out...
...the space which the absence of sound occupies, sprinkled with beats and groove...
is where tyrant is at.
...the space which the absence of sound occupies
where empty speaks volumes and all the itsy bitsy twisted beats in between and not, implied.
just sits there in the space they so distinctly occupy, weaving into the basslines, and aloof.
two masters at work, each doing his thing the only way he knows how to, two different sounds so distinctly individual and so comfortably at home coming out of the same set of speakers. it is a rare sight tonight, to bear witness to two djs with such amazing synery, so interchangably playing decks, another playing efx and more often than not, arms reaching across each other to add that touch of individuality to what the other is doing. the unspoken trust and communion between these two, the lack of ego, synergistic, symbiotic... they feed off each other like opposing twins in a womb, and we are privileged with a gestation which is greater than its parts, defined by the two and yet, wholly defiant of them.
the sounds take on a life of their own, teased, seduced, spat out of the speakers... sounds cohesive and yet, so interchangable, like building blocks of sound; taken from their rightful place, moved, shifted by the chunks and beats and placed into new slots of time stretched out...
...the space which the absence of sound occupies, sprinkled with beats and groove...
is where tyrant is at.
5.7.02
is it me or are people too caught up in their own little worlds to live? seems like the daily grind is getting everyone down and i am sure, one day sooner than later, i will be a victim too. it is somewhat depressing to see my friends turn into the drones they are now, chained at the ankle to huge iron balls of mediocrity. i think... i have had no cause to hate this place except seeing what it is turning my friends into.
a friend once quoted another person, saying "work decays the soul".
i beg to differ.
mundanity decays the soul.
a friend once quoted another person, saying "work decays the soul".
i beg to differ.
mundanity decays the soul.
30.6.02
u know the beat
u know the groove
locking u into it
oh u know what im talking about
that zone
the strings/the melodies/the ambience
bringing ur mind to another place
drifting
exploring
adventurers of the antipode
ur body moving with
a will of its own
u're not in
control
oh no let it go
ur heart knows where its at
ur body recognises
the groove
oh yeah the groove, baby, let it go
let it go...
feel it
the basslines
overwhelm u, big fat
did i say fat? phat!
twisted/droning/rolling
the beats
sharp/succinct/slice
dice/drawn/quatered
im losing my mind, are u
the strings
scintillating/titillating
oh yeah, close ur eyes, feel ur mind
shudders/shivers/tingles
the build
anticipating/beating/pounding
ur heart, baby, can u feel it?
faster frenzied madness
and then
it breaks
like a wave
a trough
rolling/crashing/sinking
it draws u in
it drags u under
u're lost
so lost and yet, never been so there
u know?
yes u know what im saying
u feel it
oh yeah
just
let
go
feel it
soak it
up
move
u know the groove
locking u into it
oh u know what im talking about
that zone
the strings/the melodies/the ambience
bringing ur mind to another place
drifting
exploring
adventurers of the antipode
ur body moving with
a will of its own
u're not in
control
oh no let it go
ur heart knows where its at
ur body recognises
the groove
oh yeah the groove, baby, let it go
let it go...
feel it
the basslines
overwhelm u, big fat
did i say fat? phat!
twisted/droning/rolling
the beats
sharp/succinct/slice
dice/drawn/quatered
im losing my mind, are u
the strings
scintillating/titillating
oh yeah, close ur eyes, feel ur mind
shudders/shivers/tingles
the build
anticipating/beating/pounding
ur heart, baby, can u feel it?
faster frenzied madness
and then
it breaks
like a wave
a trough
rolling/crashing/sinking
it draws u in
it drags u under
u're lost
so lost and yet, never been so there
u know?
yes u know what im saying
u feel it
oh yeah
just
let
go
feel it
soak it
up
move
im trying to write something tonight, but the words dont come so im just gonna tell it straight; it's all a mess so bad i cant pin down the turmoil within. and im afraid of pinning it down, its there but im kinda trying to sidestep it... afraid if i pin it down, if i name it, whatever, nothing, void, it, takes form and overwhelms me.
does that make sense?
as these things go... this is about a girl. and we've all heard the stories many times over and we've seen it all in the movies.
but this is my story, and u dont have to read this.
this is about a girl... with the biggest eyes i can float in. the impish smile with the twinkle and one dimple. she had long and the straightest hair... with bands of corvette red through it, which went with my cherry red, goatee, that is, but no more.
this is about a girl... the light in my world, the good in my world; how do i explain it? she made it all worthwhile. sha made me live instead of just breathe. she made my heart sing when i have the worst voice ever.
this is about a girl... i walked the streets with, looking up at apartments; wondering at people's lives.
i cant write this anymore, i dont know why i started... its not helping, its doing shit for me frankly speaking. im here fucked, trying to hold everything back and she's probably sleeping right now. funny how we think our sufferings are all so unique and noone ever understands... that's what's going through my head and i really dunno what im doing, i can feel it all slipping away; what i started with is gone and i am left with nothing... cept the bitterness and im trying so hard not to hate but i do and im trying trying trying to hold it back cos we all know and i know i shouldn't be giving into that.
this is about the girl... my soulmate if u will, though that begs the question... if she's not with me now, does that void the soulmate status? if we're no longer sharing, does that mean we were never meant to be? and now im doing my own head in.
this is about the girl... i spoke with, about buying furniture, about having pets and no, she doesnt like to have children.
this is about the girl... whom i shared music with, and that should be enough to indicate what she meant.
this is about the girl... i remember sitting with, looking out over the city lights, telling me, she's not afraid anymore.
this is about the girl... who told me she doesnt feel for anything, anyone, anymore.
she lost it
and i have not
so where the fuck does that leave me?
right here.
does that make sense?
as these things go... this is about a girl. and we've all heard the stories many times over and we've seen it all in the movies.
but this is my story, and u dont have to read this.
this is about a girl... with the biggest eyes i can float in. the impish smile with the twinkle and one dimple. she had long and the straightest hair... with bands of corvette red through it, which went with my cherry red, goatee, that is, but no more.
this is about a girl... the light in my world, the good in my world; how do i explain it? she made it all worthwhile. sha made me live instead of just breathe. she made my heart sing when i have the worst voice ever.
this is about a girl... i walked the streets with, looking up at apartments; wondering at people's lives.
i cant write this anymore, i dont know why i started... its not helping, its doing shit for me frankly speaking. im here fucked, trying to hold everything back and she's probably sleeping right now. funny how we think our sufferings are all so unique and noone ever understands... that's what's going through my head and i really dunno what im doing, i can feel it all slipping away; what i started with is gone and i am left with nothing... cept the bitterness and im trying so hard not to hate but i do and im trying trying trying to hold it back cos we all know and i know i shouldn't be giving into that.
this is about the girl... my soulmate if u will, though that begs the question... if she's not with me now, does that void the soulmate status? if we're no longer sharing, does that mean we were never meant to be? and now im doing my own head in.
this is about the girl... i spoke with, about buying furniture, about having pets and no, she doesnt like to have children.
this is about the girl... whom i shared music with, and that should be enough to indicate what she meant.
this is about the girl... i remember sitting with, looking out over the city lights, telling me, she's not afraid anymore.
this is about the girl... who told me she doesnt feel for anything, anyone, anymore.
she lost it
and i have not
so where the fuck does that leave me?
right here.
25.6.02
24.6.02
20.6.02
bouyant
floating
arms leaden
thighs achen
chest tighten
i cant see
thoughts
words
flotsam
i cant think
bouyant
floating
dark
hot
viscous
dont know
where to
go
go
go
just go
somewhere/anywhere
action/reaction
pull/push
life/death
happiness/sadness
go
go
go
im trying so hard
if only i knew
what was
wrong
right
i would fix it
fix
fix
fix
i need a high
so high
i dont feel
i dont think
just high
please
where am i
i dont belong here
not there
i exist
in this moment
of time
uncomprehending
unknowing
just get me high
so it all falls away
please.
floating
arms leaden
thighs achen
chest tighten
i cant see
thoughts
words
flotsam
i cant think
bouyant
floating
dark
hot
viscous
dont know
where to
go
go
go
just go
somewhere/anywhere
action/reaction
pull/push
life/death
happiness/sadness
go
go
go
im trying so hard
if only i knew
what was
wrong
right
i would fix it
fix
fix
fix
i need a high
so high
i dont feel
i dont think
just high
please
where am i
i dont belong here
not there
i exist
in this moment
of time
uncomprehending
unknowing
just get me high
so it all falls away
please.
im 3 days home and im regretting it already. the heat is sweltering, it drains and saps at me like an omnipresent leech, feeding off me. im feeling down and i dont really know why... is it the lack of my 5htp supplementation? i had thought perhaps... i'd be happy enough to be back home to not require them, but no.
i dont want to be here anymore than i want to be back there.
as usual, lost and drifting, my life.
i cant even focus enough to write something as much as i would like to express it... and there's no one i can tell this to who would understand, without receiving some patronising sympathies in response.
fuck that.
no one would understand what is in my head right now, as much as they think or profess to... how can they when i dont even know what is going on inside? i need some physicality, some form of action to distract myself... and i think to myself, i wished i could be intoxicated and then wake up to something else, anything else.
give me something to believe in again.
i dont want to be here anymore than i want to be back there.
as usual, lost and drifting, my life.
i cant even focus enough to write something as much as i would like to express it... and there's no one i can tell this to who would understand, without receiving some patronising sympathies in response.
fuck that.
no one would understand what is in my head right now, as much as they think or profess to... how can they when i dont even know what is going on inside? i need some physicality, some form of action to distract myself... and i think to myself, i wished i could be intoxicated and then wake up to something else, anything else.
give me something to believe in again.
16.6.02
i lean against the pole
under the shelter
on a cold winter night
arms akimbo
i look infront of me
a lady
dark skinned
lined face
shawl around her head
leapord print jacket swaddled
what has she seen?
that marked her face so
hardship in her eyes
why was she alone
on this cold winter night?
i wonder about her family
a man
olive skinned
an accent
a tight jacket with frills
long limbed
pointy shoes
i gave him the time
wondering
where he is partying tonight
i hope he didnt miss his tram
a girl
in a chequed jacket
fair skinned
framed by silky black hair
legs crossed
one foot shaking
i dont like that
enraptured
lit screen of her cellular
highlighting her eyes
fingers tapping
an sms
to a boyfriend waiting?
a man
immaculately dressed
well groomed
turtle necked
peeking out of a blazer
hand gripping
a briefcase
sleek
i like it
i lit his ciggerate
he looks at and thanks me
i smiled
he looks at me again
walked away
and i looked after him
wondering
about his job
on a late saturday night
i looked to my right
a couple
asian
speaking in my mother tongue
a language i should know
but i dont
the boy is looking
not at her
the girl is pleading
hugs him
he looks not at her
wondering
will they work it out?
i hope so
been there
i look to my left
across the tracks
a man
chin touching his chest
grizzled beard
running down his torso
he shuffles
muttering to himself
sometimes leaning like me
hands cupped
around a hot drink
i see him everyday
same spot
same clothes
arms akimbo
on a cold winter night
under the shelter
i leaned againt the pole
at the tram stop
at a traffic junction
a stopover of sorts
a crossroad of sorts
and i wonder
about
the secret lives of us
under the shelter
on a cold winter night
arms akimbo
i look infront of me
a lady
dark skinned
lined face
shawl around her head
leapord print jacket swaddled
what has she seen?
that marked her face so
hardship in her eyes
why was she alone
on this cold winter night?
i wonder about her family
a man
olive skinned
an accent
a tight jacket with frills
long limbed
pointy shoes
i gave him the time
wondering
where he is partying tonight
i hope he didnt miss his tram
a girl
in a chequed jacket
fair skinned
framed by silky black hair
legs crossed
one foot shaking
i dont like that
enraptured
lit screen of her cellular
highlighting her eyes
fingers tapping
an sms
to a boyfriend waiting?
a man
immaculately dressed
well groomed
turtle necked
peeking out of a blazer
hand gripping
a briefcase
sleek
i like it
i lit his ciggerate
he looks at and thanks me
i smiled
he looks at me again
walked away
and i looked after him
wondering
about his job
on a late saturday night
i looked to my right
a couple
asian
speaking in my mother tongue
a language i should know
but i dont
the boy is looking
not at her
the girl is pleading
hugs him
he looks not at her
wondering
will they work it out?
i hope so
been there
i look to my left
across the tracks
a man
chin touching his chest
grizzled beard
running down his torso
he shuffles
muttering to himself
sometimes leaning like me
hands cupped
around a hot drink
i see him everyday
same spot
same clothes
arms akimbo
on a cold winter night
under the shelter
i leaned againt the pole
at the tram stop
at a traffic junction
a stopover of sorts
a crossroad of sorts
and i wonder
about
the secret lives of us
mara soundsystem
what a night at sunny... imagine the setting if u will: a room all dark with hardly any "club" lights, smoke, lasers, projections... and one spotlight shining upon, not the duo, but the decks, lighting up the wispy tendrils of smoke curling around the console.
add to that, a roomful of people full of the vibe only an overseas crowd, vibe, and drugs can fuel. up for anything, anything goes.
electrifying.
i found my dancing feet again last night.
the night started off with an eclectic progressive set from gavin kietel and then handing over to gab oliver. gab played his usual deep/dark/atmospheric set which wasnt going anywhere unfortunately and i was set to chill out on the bed for the rest of the night.
mara came on after, which i dragged myself off the bed for. after a night of lethargy, took a while to get into the groove. was standing on the steps just bobbing my head. barry mixed and sarah oversaw the effects. an onslought of hollow basslines, hard sharp beats and groove proceeded. on hindsight, the set almost reminded me of the pappa experience, but funkier. they maintained the energy very well, with intermittent troughs but easily picking up the pace again with the follow-on tracks. there i was, body locked in the groove, feet flying to the beats, arms flailing to the basslines... and just when i decided to myself they rocked, sarah took the platform behind the decks, proceeding to sway and sing ontop of what barry was playing. imagine the sillouette: barry with his headphones, bent over the decks, occassionally waving his arms and jumping, hyping up the dancefloor further, his wife dancing and singing into a mike behind and above him. her soaring housey vocals overlaying the tough driving beats, at times, standing out amidst the bass drops and ambient breakdown of some tracks. sometimes envelope by the effects that travelled the speakers surrounding the room.
a very interesting and unique experience, with the effects merging with the tracks rather than detracting from them, sarah's singing... it bridged and hybridised the typical dj set and a live performance.
if getting the crowd to move is any indication of how good the performance was, my feet gave them two toes up.
the afterparty saw mara and a chaotic mass of people converging on someone's house and everyone proceeded to get fucked further. caught up with dave at sunny and chatted with the duo at the afterparty about their music, their experiences, the singapore scene, progressive sounds in general and where they saw it going.
"its my life!" -sarah, when asked by a friend what music is to her.
given a crowd, mara can easily whip them up into a frenzy. they are stopping by tokyo after leaving melbourne on friday and i am fairly certain the techno-oriented scene in japan would love their sound.
that is all.
what a night at sunny... imagine the setting if u will: a room all dark with hardly any "club" lights, smoke, lasers, projections... and one spotlight shining upon, not the duo, but the decks, lighting up the wispy tendrils of smoke curling around the console.
add to that, a roomful of people full of the vibe only an overseas crowd, vibe, and drugs can fuel. up for anything, anything goes.
electrifying.
i found my dancing feet again last night.
the night started off with an eclectic progressive set from gavin kietel and then handing over to gab oliver. gab played his usual deep/dark/atmospheric set which wasnt going anywhere unfortunately and i was set to chill out on the bed for the rest of the night.
mara came on after, which i dragged myself off the bed for. after a night of lethargy, took a while to get into the groove. was standing on the steps just bobbing my head. barry mixed and sarah oversaw the effects. an onslought of hollow basslines, hard sharp beats and groove proceeded. on hindsight, the set almost reminded me of the pappa experience, but funkier. they maintained the energy very well, with intermittent troughs but easily picking up the pace again with the follow-on tracks. there i was, body locked in the groove, feet flying to the beats, arms flailing to the basslines... and just when i decided to myself they rocked, sarah took the platform behind the decks, proceeding to sway and sing ontop of what barry was playing. imagine the sillouette: barry with his headphones, bent over the decks, occassionally waving his arms and jumping, hyping up the dancefloor further, his wife dancing and singing into a mike behind and above him. her soaring housey vocals overlaying the tough driving beats, at times, standing out amidst the bass drops and ambient breakdown of some tracks. sometimes envelope by the effects that travelled the speakers surrounding the room.
a very interesting and unique experience, with the effects merging with the tracks rather than detracting from them, sarah's singing... it bridged and hybridised the typical dj set and a live performance.
if getting the crowd to move is any indication of how good the performance was, my feet gave them two toes up.
the afterparty saw mara and a chaotic mass of people converging on someone's house and everyone proceeded to get fucked further. caught up with dave at sunny and chatted with the duo at the afterparty about their music, their experiences, the singapore scene, progressive sounds in general and where they saw it going.
"its my life!" -sarah, when asked by a friend what music is to her.
given a crowd, mara can easily whip them up into a frenzy. they are stopping by tokyo after leaving melbourne on friday and i am fairly certain the techno-oriented scene in japan would love their sound.
that is all.
14.6.02
seeing that nose
those eyes
that smile
that shy smile
with your head
tilted to your side
that tentative smile
venturing
uncertain
feeling your lips
so soft
hearing your voice
smiling
i touch you again
in my heart
in a time past
i hold you again
in my mind
memories past
my heart stops
my mind reels
my body yearns
my eyes
searching
wishing
hoping
i smiled
and did
what i wanted a month ago
i gave you the set of hairpins
those eyes
that smile
that shy smile
with your head
tilted to your side
that tentative smile
venturing
uncertain
feeling your lips
so soft
hearing your voice
smiling
i touch you again
in my heart
in a time past
i hold you again
in my mind
memories past
my heart stops
my mind reels
my body yearns
my eyes
searching
wishing
hoping
i smiled
and did
what i wanted a month ago
i gave you the set of hairpins
11.6.02
10.6.02
creamer/jamieson/foort/trance, a current state of affairs
well.... im still a bit fucked so this will be brief.
jamieson left no impression on me, unfortunately... played deep and dark, just like another dj out there at the moment, nothing stood out; which is very unfortunate considering his works as evolution... and he didnt even play their latest release, walking on fire...
...which brings me to foort, he was the one who actually dropped that... foort was pretty banging... touch and go...
...now creamer, WOW, im impressed... very nice, tasty track selection, dropped a very very nice remix of marscarter which i havent heard b4... maybe creamer's own remix? he was playing some tribal, but not boring progressive, more like, tribal with a lot of spacey, ambient sounds... very impressive tribal set... and he dropped jv - into the blue i think, last track, beautiful.
so... that's the short summary of the night, nothing else to report, cept the crowd was probably one of the sleaziest i've ever seen, and
****this deserves a section on its own****
every single time i hear it, it further reaffirms my conviction that today's trance SUCKS, it should've died a natural death with dignity in the yesteryears, rather than whoever-fuck-makes-the-music milk it for all its worth. its DEAD, get over it, TRANCE IS DEAD.
the only good trance i expect to hear are from the old days, and certain progressive tracks today incorporating the sound, very good example is the rob and skinner remix of nash-t - the dark (deep, dark, with a nice touch of trance in it... this is the only track i've heard recently which emodies this "dark trance" (can i copyright that phrase b4 it catches on?) sound). trance as *I* know it can only survive as being incorporated into other forms of music, trance as a genre today is akin to squeezing blood out of a rock.
yes... that is my rant on the current state of trance... tonight's event was a trance night, the aforementioned djs all played in the progressive side room... i stepped momentarily into the main room, firstly got disoriented by how big the room was, by the lights... and when i adjusted to the surroundings, the music hit me in its blatant obscenity, it was so fucking boring and predictable, i could've written the track if i had a sound engineer to work with.... what was mind bogglingly amazing was the number of people dancing to it.
yes i am a bigot, yes i am arrogant, now that we got that cleared up and out of the way, let me continue my rant (this post is turning out longer than i thought... damn verbal diarrhoea/introspection... if only i studied this in school, i can fucking do my essays on comedowns!)... usually i try to be open to different forms of music... they're all sounds to me, put together in a coherently pleasing manner, but the shite i heard... as much as i try, i cannot accept it AT ALL, it is a fucking affront to my ears... if i was a music nazi, i would round up all these producers and have them shot. stop contaminating these people, these sheep! stop misleading them! surly these people cannot be so deaf as to accept it... surly, i would like to believe, these people are simply not enlightened, surly they would come around if only someone could show them what is out there, without the narrow confines of predictable drum rolls, snyth riffs.
the trance of yesteryears had a grace to it, it had melody, it had some fucking self-respect... what we have today, what i heard last night, was as blatant a manipulation of human superficial emotions as any top 40s pop tune.
sorry for the rant, sorry if i offended any trance lovers in particular, i know owen still likes his trance but im sure he would have to agree with the arguments i have put out.
TRANCE IS DEAD.
unless someone can seriously prove me wrong, that is all i have to rant regarding this issue... this is my final word on the genre which has introduced the majority of us to electronic music, to which we all had a certain affinity for, to which i still get the tingles to.
well.... im still a bit fucked so this will be brief.
jamieson left no impression on me, unfortunately... played deep and dark, just like another dj out there at the moment, nothing stood out; which is very unfortunate considering his works as evolution... and he didnt even play their latest release, walking on fire...
...which brings me to foort, he was the one who actually dropped that... foort was pretty banging... touch and go...
...now creamer, WOW, im impressed... very nice, tasty track selection, dropped a very very nice remix of marscarter which i havent heard b4... maybe creamer's own remix? he was playing some tribal, but not boring progressive, more like, tribal with a lot of spacey, ambient sounds... very impressive tribal set... and he dropped jv - into the blue i think, last track, beautiful.
so... that's the short summary of the night, nothing else to report, cept the crowd was probably one of the sleaziest i've ever seen, and
****this deserves a section on its own****
every single time i hear it, it further reaffirms my conviction that today's trance SUCKS, it should've died a natural death with dignity in the yesteryears, rather than whoever-fuck-makes-the-music milk it for all its worth. its DEAD, get over it, TRANCE IS DEAD.
the only good trance i expect to hear are from the old days, and certain progressive tracks today incorporating the sound, very good example is the rob and skinner remix of nash-t - the dark (deep, dark, with a nice touch of trance in it... this is the only track i've heard recently which emodies this "dark trance" (can i copyright that phrase b4 it catches on?) sound). trance as *I* know it can only survive as being incorporated into other forms of music, trance as a genre today is akin to squeezing blood out of a rock.
yes... that is my rant on the current state of trance... tonight's event was a trance night, the aforementioned djs all played in the progressive side room... i stepped momentarily into the main room, firstly got disoriented by how big the room was, by the lights... and when i adjusted to the surroundings, the music hit me in its blatant obscenity, it was so fucking boring and predictable, i could've written the track if i had a sound engineer to work with.... what was mind bogglingly amazing was the number of people dancing to it.
yes i am a bigot, yes i am arrogant, now that we got that cleared up and out of the way, let me continue my rant (this post is turning out longer than i thought... damn verbal diarrhoea/introspection... if only i studied this in school, i can fucking do my essays on comedowns!)... usually i try to be open to different forms of music... they're all sounds to me, put together in a coherently pleasing manner, but the shite i heard... as much as i try, i cannot accept it AT ALL, it is a fucking affront to my ears... if i was a music nazi, i would round up all these producers and have them shot. stop contaminating these people, these sheep! stop misleading them! surly these people cannot be so deaf as to accept it... surly, i would like to believe, these people are simply not enlightened, surly they would come around if only someone could show them what is out there, without the narrow confines of predictable drum rolls, snyth riffs.
the trance of yesteryears had a grace to it, it had melody, it had some fucking self-respect... what we have today, what i heard last night, was as blatant a manipulation of human superficial emotions as any top 40s pop tune.
sorry for the rant, sorry if i offended any trance lovers in particular, i know owen still likes his trance but im sure he would have to agree with the arguments i have put out.
TRANCE IS DEAD.
unless someone can seriously prove me wrong, that is all i have to rant regarding this issue... this is my final word on the genre which has introduced the majority of us to electronic music, to which we all had a certain affinity for, to which i still get the tingles to.
3.6.02
31.5.02
House Sucks (Pessimistic Conclusion)
Now we've let the DJ Become a superstar, have we stopped listening to the music?
We have DJs who are so famous that we'd go crazy for their first record even if it was utter rubbish. We have DJs who let the club tell them what to play. We have personality DJs who can draw a crowd even though they're crap. Porno DJs who hve someone else to put on their tunes. Novelty jocks. Ex-boxers as DJs, soccer heroes behind the decks, washed-up pop stars desperate for new credibility. DJs who are shit but they've got a record in the charts.
We go to superclubs that only exists to support a lucrative brand name so that a company run by people who don't dance can make millions from T-shirts, compilation CDs and alcohol and tobacco sponsorship. We listen to a few big-name DJs on the radio and let them totally rule our tastes. when their name's on a mix album we trust it without thinking and rush out to buy it. The DJ is a corporate whore.
The DJ has chopped and mixed and mergd every kind of music until there's no chance of a "next big thing". All we can expect is the next remix, a variation of a theme. And the music is so effective now, especially when consumed with drugs, that no one cares whether it's actually any good. It's just an infallible, Pavlovian technology of pleasure. At the end of the seventies people decided "disco sucks"; at the end of the nineties, house, trance, garage... SUCKS! (techno and drum'n'bass are just boring). The only difference is we haven't notice how much it sucks yet, because the commercial club industry has got us in the palm of its hand. As long as it gets me throwing my fists in the air with my eyes glued shut on my Friday night podium, I dont give a fuck whether it has any artistic value.
Our precious, once-underground culture has been co-opted into a great mainstream capitalist hegemony.
Is going clubbing special anymore, or is it just like going to the pub?
The greatest success of dance culture is suppose to be that it now has acts who are at home playing American stadiums. But it's not a triumph for dance music to disguise itself as soemthing that's existed for 35 years or more. The Prodigy are just The Rolling Stones for a new generation. The record labels have just squeezed them into the rock-star rulebook so they can market them better. They'll go on tour when the album comes out. We'll all scream when they come onstage and the music biz is happy.
Dance revolution... Where?
Club culture was built on togetherness, on participation, equality, communion. When it works you shouldn't be able to tell the dancer from the dance. It was founded on the idea that the clubbers are the stars, not the short guy who fiddles with the record player. If we're on a dancefloor but we're all weatching the DJ, or if we're in an arena all looking at the stage, we are no longer doing what it's all about: we are once more an audience and no longer the event.
Dance culture has been completely stolen by the forces of commercialism.
OK?
Good.
That's the pessimistic conclusion over with.
The Global Underground (Optimistic Conclusion)
But the dialectic saves the day.
In dance music, there's always an underground.
This is at its most creative just after things have got horribly commercial.
The mainstream picks up on something, burns it up, and declares it dead. But meanwhile, pioneers have moved on and are free to push things further, to reclaim the momentum and come up with something new.
So rail about supercommercial club cultures all you like. It's all true, every pessimistic word, but it doesn't matter because there's always an underground, always something fresh on the horizon.
For every cheesy commecial DJ who's happy to play what the record pluggers send him, who charts records he doesn't like just so he stays on the mailing list, who plays records he hates because everyone else is playing them, and who has no problem with a club giving him "guidelines" on what and what not to play, there's another DJ who loves music, who searches out and buys records rather than just playing promotional freebies, who develops his own style, who throws his own parties, who generates his own following, who creates new music.
There'll always be an underground and it will always be filled with people who love music, not as a job but as the center piece to their life - even if manipulative drug pop seems to rule the day and even if most clubs are clogged with DJs who have abandoned their missionary zeal to return to the safe job of musical waiter. The exceptions are where the energy lies.
The fragmentation of dance music into scores of specialised genres is another reason for excitement. This works directly against the idea of of the superclub and the prostitute DJ, and can only encourage experimentation and creativity. You can bet sooner or later, out of these devious little scenes will come soemthing interesting, and inevitably something momentous. That's how we got disco, hip hop, house, and in recent years, that's how jungle emerged, and drum'n'bass, UK garage (speed garage), two-step, coastal breaks...
What's next? Who knows - all that's certain is that something somewhere is busy evolving, just like it's always done.
We spent the last forty years recording pop music, now we're gonna have incredible fun recycling it into any form we want. The band is dead, long live the DJ. No more waiting for the next big thing, let's look forward to the next amazing tweak, the next gut-wrenching new noise, the next unbelievbable collision of sampled sound.
And dance music is now truly international and internationalist. Musical possibilities have become global. The established centers of our story have splintered so much that the next great record might just as likely come from Norway as from New York. And with words losing out to the universal beat, we all speak the same language. French people cn finally make music that English people like. In fact you can bet that any really radical styles of dance music will emerge from somewhere truly bizarre, far away from the intense scrutiny of the dance media and the commentators who swoop on anything novel before it has a chance to spread its wings.
Abetting this dramatic crashing of borders is the rise of the Internet as a force for musical distribution. If house music was the fufilment o the do it yourself punk ethos, then netcasting and clever compression formats like MP3 take things even further. The means of music production have long been in the hands of the masses; now we have the means of distribution too, and record companies - who were only ever banks stupid enough to lend money to musicians - are redundant. Any DJ can create a global community of listeners on the Net. Djs in a club in New York can play to the dancefloor of a club in London. A DJ can make music in his own home, transmit it to another DJ across the world, who can press it himself onto a CD and play it when he does on in a club in Singapore in a couple of hours.
The Buzz Remains
The disc jockey has been with us for almost a century now. In that time he has been ignored, misunderstood, despised, worshipped and adored. He has stayed in the forefront of music, twisting and shaping it into fresh forms, perverting technology and forcing from it stunning new sounds. He has conjured a long series of novel genres in his endless search for material to keep his dancers moving. In the US the DJ created amazing music, then the UK gave him a home and made him a star. He continued his magic and around him there grew a musical culture more revolutionary and more enduring than any before.
After the 1988 summer of love, kids in Britain were finally enjoying the transcendent rituals on which the US evolution of dance music had been based. They finally understood the real power of a DJ, and in large numbers. Now, having conquered Europe and much of the southern hemisphere, the music is spreading back across the Atlantic. Having forged music more truly universal than any preceding it, the DJ is arguably a conduit for celebration and communion on a global scale. It's possible that the DJ is the ultimate expression of the ancient shamanic role; that the DJ is the greatest witchdoctor there has ever been, unmatched at shaking us out of the drudge of the day and into the life of the night.
Why do we worship at the knees of the record-slinger? Because he is occasionally capable of divinity. When it all connects in a club, there's nowhere you can have more fun.
"A really great DJ is totally capable of making a bad record sound okay, a good record sound great, and a great record sound fantastic - by the context they put them in, and what they put around them. How they steer them. They can do all kinds of tricks. A great DJ can make people spontaneously cheer just for a little squelchy noise. Which is quite insane really. A little noise like "wha-wha-wha" and people go, "Yeeeaah!" They can have people clapping along to a cymbal, just by the way they're bringing it in. When it's done well, it's fantastic. If it's done really well, it can be quite transcendental."
It's a mystical art indeed. It seems so banal, but it holds the potential of phenomenal, inexpressable power. A great DJ can arouse more raw emotion in his audience than the composer of the most bittersweet opera, or the author of the most uplifting novel, or the director of the most life-affirming film.
When you're DJing and you're great at it, you're not playing records, you're playing the dancefloor. You're not just mixing tunes, you're mixing energy and emotions, mixing from surprise into hope and happiness, cutting from liberation to ecstacy to love. When it goes right, you're inside the bodies of everyone in the room, you know what they're feeling and where they're going and you're taking them there. You're sweeping them off the earthly plane and transporting them to a higher place. You're moving their bodies and their souls with the music that flows from your fingertips.
You're putting them in the moment.
"Sweaty palms. Huge smiles. That kind of intenseness when you're in the zone, when you're in the box on your own. Oh my God! What's the next record? Frantically searching, making sure your instinct's right, changing your mind, then going back to your first choice, then ripping that out and putting it on at the last minute... and it works!
"And seeing people smiling.
"And singing.
"And going crazy."
[bill brewster and frank broughton - last night a dj saved my life]
Now we've let the DJ Become a superstar, have we stopped listening to the music?
We have DJs who are so famous that we'd go crazy for their first record even if it was utter rubbish. We have DJs who let the club tell them what to play. We have personality DJs who can draw a crowd even though they're crap. Porno DJs who hve someone else to put on their tunes. Novelty jocks. Ex-boxers as DJs, soccer heroes behind the decks, washed-up pop stars desperate for new credibility. DJs who are shit but they've got a record in the charts.
We go to superclubs that only exists to support a lucrative brand name so that a company run by people who don't dance can make millions from T-shirts, compilation CDs and alcohol and tobacco sponsorship. We listen to a few big-name DJs on the radio and let them totally rule our tastes. when their name's on a mix album we trust it without thinking and rush out to buy it. The DJ is a corporate whore.
The DJ has chopped and mixed and mergd every kind of music until there's no chance of a "next big thing". All we can expect is the next remix, a variation of a theme. And the music is so effective now, especially when consumed with drugs, that no one cares whether it's actually any good. It's just an infallible, Pavlovian technology of pleasure. At the end of the seventies people decided "disco sucks"; at the end of the nineties, house, trance, garage... SUCKS! (techno and drum'n'bass are just boring). The only difference is we haven't notice how much it sucks yet, because the commercial club industry has got us in the palm of its hand. As long as it gets me throwing my fists in the air with my eyes glued shut on my Friday night podium, I dont give a fuck whether it has any artistic value.
Our precious, once-underground culture has been co-opted into a great mainstream capitalist hegemony.
Is going clubbing special anymore, or is it just like going to the pub?
The greatest success of dance culture is suppose to be that it now has acts who are at home playing American stadiums. But it's not a triumph for dance music to disguise itself as soemthing that's existed for 35 years or more. The Prodigy are just The Rolling Stones for a new generation. The record labels have just squeezed them into the rock-star rulebook so they can market them better. They'll go on tour when the album comes out. We'll all scream when they come onstage and the music biz is happy.
Dance revolution... Where?
Club culture was built on togetherness, on participation, equality, communion. When it works you shouldn't be able to tell the dancer from the dance. It was founded on the idea that the clubbers are the stars, not the short guy who fiddles with the record player. If we're on a dancefloor but we're all weatching the DJ, or if we're in an arena all looking at the stage, we are no longer doing what it's all about: we are once more an audience and no longer the event.
Dance culture has been completely stolen by the forces of commercialism.
OK?
Good.
That's the pessimistic conclusion over with.
The Global Underground (Optimistic Conclusion)
But the dialectic saves the day.
In dance music, there's always an underground.
This is at its most creative just after things have got horribly commercial.
The mainstream picks up on something, burns it up, and declares it dead. But meanwhile, pioneers have moved on and are free to push things further, to reclaim the momentum and come up with something new.
So rail about supercommercial club cultures all you like. It's all true, every pessimistic word, but it doesn't matter because there's always an underground, always something fresh on the horizon.
For every cheesy commecial DJ who's happy to play what the record pluggers send him, who charts records he doesn't like just so he stays on the mailing list, who plays records he hates because everyone else is playing them, and who has no problem with a club giving him "guidelines" on what and what not to play, there's another DJ who loves music, who searches out and buys records rather than just playing promotional freebies, who develops his own style, who throws his own parties, who generates his own following, who creates new music.
There'll always be an underground and it will always be filled with people who love music, not as a job but as the center piece to their life - even if manipulative drug pop seems to rule the day and even if most clubs are clogged with DJs who have abandoned their missionary zeal to return to the safe job of musical waiter. The exceptions are where the energy lies.
The fragmentation of dance music into scores of specialised genres is another reason for excitement. This works directly against the idea of of the superclub and the prostitute DJ, and can only encourage experimentation and creativity. You can bet sooner or later, out of these devious little scenes will come soemthing interesting, and inevitably something momentous. That's how we got disco, hip hop, house, and in recent years, that's how jungle emerged, and drum'n'bass, UK garage (speed garage), two-step, coastal breaks...
What's next? Who knows - all that's certain is that something somewhere is busy evolving, just like it's always done.
We spent the last forty years recording pop music, now we're gonna have incredible fun recycling it into any form we want. The band is dead, long live the DJ. No more waiting for the next big thing, let's look forward to the next amazing tweak, the next gut-wrenching new noise, the next unbelievbable collision of sampled sound.
And dance music is now truly international and internationalist. Musical possibilities have become global. The established centers of our story have splintered so much that the next great record might just as likely come from Norway as from New York. And with words losing out to the universal beat, we all speak the same language. French people cn finally make music that English people like. In fact you can bet that any really radical styles of dance music will emerge from somewhere truly bizarre, far away from the intense scrutiny of the dance media and the commentators who swoop on anything novel before it has a chance to spread its wings.
Abetting this dramatic crashing of borders is the rise of the Internet as a force for musical distribution. If house music was the fufilment o the do it yourself punk ethos, then netcasting and clever compression formats like MP3 take things even further. The means of music production have long been in the hands of the masses; now we have the means of distribution too, and record companies - who were only ever banks stupid enough to lend money to musicians - are redundant. Any DJ can create a global community of listeners on the Net. Djs in a club in New York can play to the dancefloor of a club in London. A DJ can make music in his own home, transmit it to another DJ across the world, who can press it himself onto a CD and play it when he does on in a club in Singapore in a couple of hours.
The Buzz Remains
The disc jockey has been with us for almost a century now. In that time he has been ignored, misunderstood, despised, worshipped and adored. He has stayed in the forefront of music, twisting and shaping it into fresh forms, perverting technology and forcing from it stunning new sounds. He has conjured a long series of novel genres in his endless search for material to keep his dancers moving. In the US the DJ created amazing music, then the UK gave him a home and made him a star. He continued his magic and around him there grew a musical culture more revolutionary and more enduring than any before.
After the 1988 summer of love, kids in Britain were finally enjoying the transcendent rituals on which the US evolution of dance music had been based. They finally understood the real power of a DJ, and in large numbers. Now, having conquered Europe and much of the southern hemisphere, the music is spreading back across the Atlantic. Having forged music more truly universal than any preceding it, the DJ is arguably a conduit for celebration and communion on a global scale. It's possible that the DJ is the ultimate expression of the ancient shamanic role; that the DJ is the greatest witchdoctor there has ever been, unmatched at shaking us out of the drudge of the day and into the life of the night.
Why do we worship at the knees of the record-slinger? Because he is occasionally capable of divinity. When it all connects in a club, there's nowhere you can have more fun.
"A really great DJ is totally capable of making a bad record sound okay, a good record sound great, and a great record sound fantastic - by the context they put them in, and what they put around them. How they steer them. They can do all kinds of tricks. A great DJ can make people spontaneously cheer just for a little squelchy noise. Which is quite insane really. A little noise like "wha-wha-wha" and people go, "Yeeeaah!" They can have people clapping along to a cymbal, just by the way they're bringing it in. When it's done well, it's fantastic. If it's done really well, it can be quite transcendental."
It's a mystical art indeed. It seems so banal, but it holds the potential of phenomenal, inexpressable power. A great DJ can arouse more raw emotion in his audience than the composer of the most bittersweet opera, or the author of the most uplifting novel, or the director of the most life-affirming film.
When you're DJing and you're great at it, you're not playing records, you're playing the dancefloor. You're not just mixing tunes, you're mixing energy and emotions, mixing from surprise into hope and happiness, cutting from liberation to ecstacy to love. When it goes right, you're inside the bodies of everyone in the room, you know what they're feeling and where they're going and you're taking them there. You're sweeping them off the earthly plane and transporting them to a higher place. You're moving their bodies and their souls with the music that flows from your fingertips.
You're putting them in the moment.
"Sweaty palms. Huge smiles. That kind of intenseness when you're in the zone, when you're in the box on your own. Oh my God! What's the next record? Frantically searching, making sure your instinct's right, changing your mind, then going back to your first choice, then ripping that out and putting it on at the last minute... and it works!
"And seeing people smiling.
"And singing.
"And going crazy."
[bill brewster and frank broughton - last night a dj saved my life]
30.5.02
a phone call and im booked for the flight back to singapore. as usual i left it too late... something about these things, the human mind, or rather, mine, always seem to assume there's enough time or its never too late... says much about my character huh? procastination is a sublime art.
feeling quite chirpy today... i think thanks to the 5htp i took last night... well, i'll enjoy it while i can.
listening to tyrant 2... no words of mine are descriptive enough for the sounds in this compilation, trippy, dubby, twisted, fucked up, its all good. somehow... i always seem to play cd1 at a certain time in the day and when it comes to an end, the sun is setting outside my window, which complements the music beautifully... kinda funky, and yet whimsical... an ode to end of the day.
shall attempt to integrate with society tonight... hope it works.
feeling quite chirpy today... i think thanks to the 5htp i took last night... well, i'll enjoy it while i can.
listening to tyrant 2... no words of mine are descriptive enough for the sounds in this compilation, trippy, dubby, twisted, fucked up, its all good. somehow... i always seem to play cd1 at a certain time in the day and when it comes to an end, the sun is setting outside my window, which complements the music beautifully... kinda funky, and yet whimsical... an ode to end of the day.
shall attempt to integrate with society tonight... hope it works.
nothing like a bit of digweed to end the night with... my god...
pole folder - planetary activity -> tone depth - rumblefish -> porter + debo - deported... epic metallic synths/soaring strings/angry bass guitar -> tribal chant/percussion/stiring strings -> deep/dark/techy/subtle melody F U C K!!!!!!!!!!!!
digweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed *runs around screaming*
[digweed - welcome 2002 (pole folder - planetary activity)]
pole folder - planetary activity -> tone depth - rumblefish -> porter + debo - deported... epic metallic synths/soaring strings/angry bass guitar -> tribal chant/percussion/stiring strings -> deep/dark/techy/subtle melody
digweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed *runs around screaming*
[digweed - welcome 2002 (pole folder - planetary activity)]
29.5.02
sigh... here i am again... heart weighing heavy in my chest. a feeling so familiar, like a friend whom one is resigned with, and yet cant disown. are u sick of reading about this? cos i know im sick of blogging it down. unfortunately, i have nowhere else to turn to.
listening to mandalay - deep love again... its not helping to lift my spirit.
the plaintive voice stands out to me in its emotive powess.
sigh.
it doesnt look like my mood is going to improve.
listening to mandalay - deep love again... its not helping to lift my spirit.
the plaintive voice stands out to me in its emotive powess.
sigh.
it doesnt look like my mood is going to improve.
28.5.02
im feeling alright tonight... in part, thanks to a friend i've been chatting with pretty much the whole day cos its vesak day in singapore. and i've been reading someone's blog, kinda voyeuristic but its amusing and well written. she has a flair for writing, making everyday mundane happenings, while not a joy, but certainly captivating, involving. its quite odd though, delving into someone else's private life, and dangerous. i was telling myself not to read it.
listening to digweed again... another journey.... music is truly the steadfast companion, i am so grateful to appreciate music the way i do.
mandalay - deep love is up next... cant get enough of it, after reading the lyrics, the song just takes on another dimension. its beautiful, im a sucker for this emotive stuff. the deep mellow piano keys hit me first, almost reminding me of the title track to twin peaks heh. a hint of a flute... then this quiet voice sings. muffled kickdrum comes in, like a heart beat. how apt. she has the sweetest voice, almost classical if that means anything... and then the cymbals and high hats come in and the song soars, literally soars with her voice... and then takes a dip into the mellow again, sad violins... quiet, contented voice singing... god i love her voice. this song somehow embodies all the sadness and hope in love. i guess i identify with that... as much as i hate emotions, i know very well i still long to feel and be reciprocated, the damn paradoxes of being human.
time for some whiskey.
went to the gym tonight again. my forearms were killing me from grasping the bar to do my bicep curls. i would think with all these training i would be getting big, but no its not happening... probably fucked up genes eh.
im sidetracking... rambling random thoughts.
for the longest time... tonight, im feeling alone, whimsical, introspective, and yet, at peace, almost... almost. or am i resigned? is there such a thing? at peace with being sad? heh another paradox. but there is a quiet in me, a calm, so much so that i dont dare to disturb it, dont dare to agitate myself. its almost like there is an equilibrium there, a fine scale in balance and i am very afraid to tip it, because i know it will only tip one way.
and so i am looking for the right music, to keep my sanity for the night.
i am smoking a lot. it worries me when i look at the pack but i cant stop. i am not usually bothered with my smoking, but right now its obviously disturbing me and as i write, i feel like lighting up again.
starecase - faith (loafer mix) another vocal bomb, soaring vocals but with a housier tint unlike mandalay. almost gruff and husky, brusque perhaps. see the truth, all i see it, even if it brings me pain, i will go on... i find the joy i feel the beauty in all u bring to me just where i belong... i am... all i... need to... i am... all i... need to... find the faith heh one of them inspiring tracks.
that's what i am searching for, faith. not of the religious flavour... just faith... i think, perhaps, that's why i've been so empty, it's all gone, the faith. im looking for it, in myself, in people... i want to trust and love again, i want to be whole again the way i was... i want to feel again. how odd... an epiphany, and im not even on acid. the emptiness in me that overwhelms the sadness, i think, is the lack of faith... the emptiness kills me more than the sadness.
am i being pretencious? voicing all these messiness... well, too bad, its helping me to come to terms with myself, and if u(disclaimer: no one in particular ofcos, just whoever is reading) cant come to terms with it, fuck off, in the nicest way possible. heh.
whoa... internet connection just got cut... god damn it. damn it! here i was feeling relatively good for once and this shit has to happen, FUCK! right now, i can rip out the technician's throat for cutting off my connection to the world. fuck! the thought of being alone has suddenly become absolute. i am pissed off, very pissed off, to have my one good night fucked up by the inept australians. damn it.
damn it...
sigh.
whew... back online again, once more connected to the global village. i better post this while my connection is alive.
listening to digweed again... another journey.... music is truly the steadfast companion, i am so grateful to appreciate music the way i do.
mandalay - deep love is up next... cant get enough of it, after reading the lyrics, the song just takes on another dimension. its beautiful, im a sucker for this emotive stuff. the deep mellow piano keys hit me first, almost reminding me of the title track to twin peaks heh. a hint of a flute... then this quiet voice sings. muffled kickdrum comes in, like a heart beat. how apt. she has the sweetest voice, almost classical if that means anything... and then the cymbals and high hats come in and the song soars, literally soars with her voice... and then takes a dip into the mellow again, sad violins... quiet, contented voice singing... god i love her voice. this song somehow embodies all the sadness and hope in love. i guess i identify with that... as much as i hate emotions, i know very well i still long to feel and be reciprocated, the damn paradoxes of being human.
time for some whiskey.
went to the gym tonight again. my forearms were killing me from grasping the bar to do my bicep curls. i would think with all these training i would be getting big, but no its not happening... probably fucked up genes eh.
im sidetracking... rambling random thoughts.
for the longest time... tonight, im feeling alone, whimsical, introspective, and yet, at peace, almost... almost. or am i resigned? is there such a thing? at peace with being sad? heh another paradox. but there is a quiet in me, a calm, so much so that i dont dare to disturb it, dont dare to agitate myself. its almost like there is an equilibrium there, a fine scale in balance and i am very afraid to tip it, because i know it will only tip one way.
and so i am looking for the right music, to keep my sanity for the night.
i am smoking a lot. it worries me when i look at the pack but i cant stop. i am not usually bothered with my smoking, but right now its obviously disturbing me and as i write, i feel like lighting up again.
starecase - faith (loafer mix) another vocal bomb, soaring vocals but with a housier tint unlike mandalay. almost gruff and husky, brusque perhaps. see the truth, all i see it, even if it brings me pain, i will go on... i find the joy i feel the beauty in all u bring to me just where i belong... i am... all i... need to... i am... all i... need to... find the faith heh one of them inspiring tracks.
that's what i am searching for, faith. not of the religious flavour... just faith... i think, perhaps, that's why i've been so empty, it's all gone, the faith. im looking for it, in myself, in people... i want to trust and love again, i want to be whole again the way i was... i want to feel again. how odd... an epiphany, and im not even on acid. the emptiness in me that overwhelms the sadness, i think, is the lack of faith... the emptiness kills me more than the sadness.
am i being pretencious? voicing all these messiness... well, too bad, its helping me to come to terms with myself, and if u(disclaimer: no one in particular ofcos, just whoever is reading) cant come to terms with it, fuck off, in the nicest way possible. heh.
whoa... internet connection just got cut... god damn it. damn it! here i was feeling relatively good for once and this shit has to happen, FUCK! right now, i can rip out the technician's throat for cutting off my connection to the world. fuck! the thought of being alone has suddenly become absolute. i am pissed off, very pissed off, to have my one good night fucked up by the inept australians. damn it.
damn it...
sigh.
whew... back online again, once more connected to the global village. i better post this while my connection is alive.
27.5.02
memories of the night
heads bowed
touching
hands holding
touching
not alone
not alone
sharing
opening
share
you say you'll bring
tears course down my face
i falter
she holds me
brows furrowed
voice falters
she soothes me
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
the words come
the chest loosens
i breathe
the bridge forms
we walked together
share
you say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
[tonight's post brought to you courtesy of mandalay - deep love]
heads bowed
touching
hands holding
touching
not alone
not alone
sharing
opening
share
you say you'll bring
tears course down my face
i falter
she holds me
brows furrowed
voice falters
she soothes me
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
the words come
the chest loosens
i breathe
the bridge forms
we walked together
share
you say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
[tonight's post brought to you courtesy of mandalay - deep love]
now
i can trust you
now
as I feel at ease
how lost in you
should I be
now
i can see you
clear
as the day begins
how lost in this
should we be
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
now
as I touch you
here
as the day begins
how lost in this
should I be
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
....
share
you say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel ...
[mandalay - deep love]
i want to cry.
i can trust you
now
as I feel at ease
how lost in you
should I be
now
i can see you
clear
as the day begins
how lost in this
should we be
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
now
as I touch you
here
as the day begins
how lost in this
should I be
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
....
share
you say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
just don't say that it's too soon to say how you feel
share
and say you'll bring
to me deep love
you can't say that it's too soon to say how you feel ...
[mandalay - deep love]
i want to cry.
[190501 - 270502]
wow... i just realised, i have been blogging for a year now. that's... longer than i expected i'd be doing it for. so there u have it... a whole year of my life encapsulated on this website... a virtual timemachine indeed.
a retrospective might be in order... but whoever u are out there who has read this blog can, i am sure, sum it all up easily:
this dude is fucked.
yes... i believe a retrospective is due... but shall have to do that in the wee hours of the night when one gets more introspective and intoxicated.
however, as a friend has mentioned... kudos to the team at blog for providing this outlet.
wow... i just realised, i have been blogging for a year now
a retrospective might be in order... but whoever u are out there who has read this blog can, i am sure, sum it all up easily:
this dude is fucked.
yes... i believe a retrospective is due... but shall have to do that in the wee hours of the night when one gets more introspective and intoxicated.
however, as a friend has mentioned... kudos to the team at blog for providing this outlet.
listening to lee burridge's nubreed... it sounds much better putting it in context with tyrant 2. i guess i was too used to/expecting the typical progressive sounds of the GU staple.
saw truman show for the firs time tonight... the ending left much to be desired... and it left me down and empty.
hence the whiskey session at the moment.
i think i can say for sure now, i am emotionally unstable. i dont want to be like this, its tiring, its draining to say the least. i was fine today, went to the gym, went to the spa, went to the sauna... how much better can life get? and the truman show left me touched and empty.
sigh.
carpe diem.
that's what im trying to convince myself of now.
saw truman show for the firs time tonight... the ending left much to be desired... and it left me down and empty.
hence the whiskey session at the moment.
i think i can say for sure now, i am emotionally unstable. i dont want to be like this, its tiring, its draining to say the least. i was fine today, went to the gym, went to the spa, went to the sauna... how much better can life get? and the truman show left me touched and empty.
sigh.
carpe diem.
that's what im trying to convince myself of now.
23.5.02
5.5.02
starts off with his trademark impact tracks, pollen - lonely planet's bassline grabbing the attention, deep and mellow, spacey echoes with the beat coming in nicely... melodies then fade in... very sublime and atmospheric with a wicked synth searing across the track. melody keeps building and building... even when it plateaus, the synth cruises the track alone... bassline changes with more melody, nice counter point to the room filling electronic action. melody takes a dip... coming down coming down... and suddenly, the bassline picks up, melody gets even more uplifting and yet, still sublime, definitely very mood-setting and mellow.
feels like digweed is taking his own sweet time bringing the listener in... he's in no hurry to go anywhere, just playing out the track to be appreciated in its entirety.
dies away... pole folder and cp - dust is in... silky operatic vocals slide in... silky smooth, counterpoint to the short bassline... goes into some liquid fluid sounds... some have criticised on the gu board that this track sounds more like a vocal mix of waxx... the structure and way the melody builds in the background... but this is a very lazy, slow builder compared to waxx with its grand epic breakdown.
pace begins to pick up a bit at bermuda triangle - mooger fooger... harder beat comes in, a hint of tribal action, this is where the compilation takes a shift in sound direction... thumping bassline, more electronic (filtered twisted voice in the background) contrasts with the live sounds of percussion. again... very subtle melody, more like a groove... then the higher notes come in, a very wistful sound, lost in wilderness.
sean q6 - thing takes the compilation on a suddenly different mood and pace... harder hollow bassline, even more tribal action, a surprisingly cheeky, quirky, upbeat tribal production from sean q6, considering his other releases (consider the raven, cb radio, multiple mirrors ep). not much happening here... a filler track, the hollow bass and percussion keeps the track moving, but hardly developes.
still continuing with the hollow sounding bass... the flash brothers - protect the senses sees digweed returning to the deeper and darker sound... ominous bassline, synth and layered echoes. definitely sinister... too sudden a change in mood imo.
out of the deep and dark... digweed delves into a more normal sounding bassline with 108 grand - te quiero (darren emerson mix), but compensates with much more high end actions... flutes providing the upbeat, driving melody... then the synth changes to mirror and complement the flutes, taking precedence in the foreground of the track... breakdown... tingling piano action... just that simple melody hanging in the air, let down by the comeback, typical stuttered drum roll... the melodies still carrying the track well along... a surprisingly nice mix from emerson, almost remiscent of his work with sasha on scorchio, the whole uplifting, upbeat mood, but i hate drumrolls, reminds me too much of trance today, though it has been tweaked to sound less obvious.
but surprise surprise... the track goes into an impromtu breakbeat... good effort on emerson's production if he is responsible for all these, havent heard the original.
melody fades out... bassline blends in smoothly with shakespeare's sister - black sky (dub extravangaza). track plods along... building but not quite going anywhere... till some atmospheric noise comes in... still building... strings come in, lifting the track... echoes of the twisted female vocals being looped, complements the strings, creating a weird backdrop for the peak, the echoes build and then twisted vocals come in at the crescendo, which gets looped and the beat increases, all building up into a sudden bass drop, sick old skool electronica action, riveting beat and then slowly the elements of the track comes back together... melody fades in, atmospheric sounds... and peaks again, more synth, twisted echoes all the while the beats remains riveting, forcing the body to move while the mind trips out to the twisted haunting echoes.
james holden - i have put out the light... another typical holden production, much more atmospheric melodies than before, melody for the mind rather than the senses (close ur eyes and see the sounds in ur mind and how it relates to the space around ur head).
and suddenly... echoes of sasha - xpander? no, spooky - belong (dub club mix) continues the journey in melody... again, digweed dips back into the rawer electronic sounds of yesteryears... no longer lush, but sharp and short, hyptonising melody, which drops away suddenly with a richer melody... go the old skool.
continues the trend with a charlie may(similar sound since may was part of spooky) remix of mandalay - deep love, but for some reason this track reminds me of second hand satellites - multiple mirrors ep, except for the driving beat. more filtered echoes. breakdown... soaring synth building up, bass comes back in... hanging in there and the vocal flies. scintillating keys/synths? i dont know, i need a fucking dictionary or thesaurus. keeps building while the deep bassline chugs along... simply angelic vocal soars... definitely a track for a big room. the track drops into a more mellow mood...
bringing the listener home.
imo, a good and welcomed change for digweed, departure from the deep sound, tracks 1 - 3 were class, has the feel of northern exposure 1 cd1 with a harder beat. but ultimately, sasha is still the master of the musical mix when it comes to crafting seamless soundscapes. digweed rediscovers the melodies again, reminiscent of his early works, but tries to do too much on a 1 cd compilation... the tunes would sound much better spread out over 2 cds rather than a full on melodic assault, which, when played together in 1 cd, loses the chance to appreciate each track and give them the attention they deserve. digweed feels more at home playing tracks with grooves, locking the listener into his hypnotic control.
though im not complaining, trying to be as objective as i can since i am the notorious digweed whore. ofcos its a good compilation, there is a journey which works and for once doesnt leave the listener hanging for more, but definitely a cocktease, would be better over 2 cds.
[john digweed - mmii : an amateur review]
feels like digweed is taking his own sweet time bringing the listener in... he's in no hurry to go anywhere, just playing out the track to be appreciated in its entirety.
dies away... pole folder and cp - dust is in... silky operatic vocals slide in... silky smooth, counterpoint to the short bassline... goes into some liquid fluid sounds... some have criticised on the gu board that this track sounds more like a vocal mix of waxx... the structure and way the melody builds in the background... but this is a very lazy, slow builder compared to waxx with its grand epic breakdown.
pace begins to pick up a bit at bermuda triangle - mooger fooger... harder beat comes in, a hint of tribal action, this is where the compilation takes a shift in sound direction... thumping bassline, more electronic (filtered twisted voice in the background) contrasts with the live sounds of percussion. again... very subtle melody, more like a groove... then the higher notes come in, a very wistful sound, lost in wilderness.
sean q6 - thing takes the compilation on a suddenly different mood and pace... harder hollow bassline, even more tribal action, a surprisingly cheeky, quirky, upbeat tribal production from sean q6, considering his other releases (consider the raven, cb radio, multiple mirrors ep). not much happening here... a filler track, the hollow bass and percussion keeps the track moving, but hardly developes.
still continuing with the hollow sounding bass... the flash brothers - protect the senses sees digweed returning to the deeper and darker sound... ominous bassline, synth and layered echoes. definitely sinister... too sudden a change in mood imo.
out of the deep and dark... digweed delves into a more normal sounding bassline with 108 grand - te quiero (darren emerson mix), but compensates with much more high end actions... flutes providing the upbeat, driving melody... then the synth changes to mirror and complement the flutes, taking precedence in the foreground of the track... breakdown... tingling piano action... just that simple melody hanging in the air, let down by the comeback, typical stuttered drum roll... the melodies still carrying the track well along... a surprisingly nice mix from emerson, almost remiscent of his work with sasha on scorchio, the whole uplifting, upbeat mood, but i hate drumrolls, reminds me too much of trance today, though it has been tweaked to sound less obvious.
but surprise surprise... the track goes into an impromtu breakbeat... good effort on emerson's production if he is responsible for all these, havent heard the original.
melody fades out... bassline blends in smoothly with shakespeare's sister - black sky (dub extravangaza). track plods along... building but not quite going anywhere... till some atmospheric noise comes in... still building... strings come in, lifting the track... echoes of the twisted female vocals being looped, complements the strings, creating a weird backdrop for the peak, the echoes build and then twisted vocals come in at the crescendo, which gets looped and the beat increases, all building up into a sudden bass drop, sick old skool electronica action, riveting beat and then slowly the elements of the track comes back together... melody fades in, atmospheric sounds... and peaks again, more synth, twisted echoes all the while the beats remains riveting, forcing the body to move while the mind trips out to the twisted haunting echoes.
james holden - i have put out the light... another typical holden production, much more atmospheric melodies than before, melody for the mind rather than the senses (close ur eyes and see the sounds in ur mind and how it relates to the space around ur head).
and suddenly... echoes of sasha - xpander? no, spooky - belong (dub club mix) continues the journey in melody... again, digweed dips back into the rawer electronic sounds of yesteryears... no longer lush, but sharp and short, hyptonising melody, which drops away suddenly with a richer melody... go the old skool.
continues the trend with a charlie may(similar sound since may was part of spooky) remix of mandalay - deep love, but for some reason this track reminds me of second hand satellites - multiple mirrors ep, except for the driving beat. more filtered echoes. breakdown... soaring synth building up, bass comes back in... hanging in there and the vocal flies. scintillating keys/synths? i dont know, i need a fucking dictionary or thesaurus. keeps building while the deep bassline chugs along... simply angelic vocal soars... definitely a track for a big room. the track drops into a more mellow mood...
bringing the listener home.
imo, a good and welcomed change for digweed, departure from the deep sound, tracks 1 - 3 were class, has the feel of northern exposure 1 cd1 with a harder beat. but ultimately, sasha is still the master of the musical mix when it comes to crafting seamless soundscapes. digweed rediscovers the melodies again, reminiscent of his early works, but tries to do too much on a 1 cd compilation... the tunes would sound much better spread out over 2 cds rather than a full on melodic assault, which, when played together in 1 cd, loses the chance to appreciate each track and give them the attention they deserve. digweed feels more at home playing tracks with grooves, locking the listener into his hypnotic control.
though im not complaining, trying to be as objective as i can since i am the notorious digweed whore. ofcos its a good compilation, there is a journey which works and for once doesnt leave the listener hanging for more, but definitely a cocktease, would be better over 2 cds.
[john digweed - mmii : an amateur review]
27.4.02
pounding... pounding... dark
bassline
sexy... lazy... breathy... spacey... filtered
voice
swirling... travelling
synth
building building... techy stabs... blocky chunks...
dont be so contrived
the voice slides in... twirling around like smoke, intertwined with the swirling synth, existing in the ambient echoes of space
who do i share this with?
who would understand this visualisation of sound and music?
its existence in my aural space?
[blh3 - marscarter (debo + porter mix)]
bassline
sexy... lazy... breathy... spacey... filtered
voice
swirling... travelling
synth
building building... techy stabs... blocky chunks...
dont be so contrived
the voice slides in... twirling around like smoke, intertwined with the swirling synth, existing in the ambient echoes of space
who do i share this with?
who would understand this visualisation of sound and music?
its existence in my aural space?
[blh3 - marscarter (debo + porter mix)]
24.4.02
i went to a fundraiser tonight.
a friend asked.
so i went.
went there after school, in the rain, sick as a dog, looked in the doorway, went up the stairs, donated, and hung around.
the place looked like an art gallery, i suppose that's why they decided to use it, no leap of logic there. i didnt know anyone there, and i didnt know what was going on, really just standing around trying to figure it all out amidst the smoke, talk and laughter (no i wasnt involved in said activities).
and i found myself questioning... were those people there tonight truly artists, or try-hards?
and i found myself questioning myself why i was questioning.
i find myself very skeptical of such activities... i am much more appreciative of street artists than the company tonight. somehow, the whole setup was just too extravagent in a way... what exactly are these people skilled at? what are they artists for? generating masks and papparrazi fodder(sp)?
am i envious of them? because i had the chance to pursue my creative urges long time ago and lost it? i could be where they are tonight, and no more?
i wished she was with me, i could've asked her then, and we would have had a good time laughing, at myself, and at them.
a friend asked.
so i went.
went there after school, in the rain, sick as a dog, looked in the doorway, went up the stairs, donated, and hung around.
the place looked like an art gallery, i suppose that's why they decided to use it, no leap of logic there. i didnt know anyone there, and i didnt know what was going on, really just standing around trying to figure it all out amidst the smoke, talk and laughter (no i wasnt involved in said activities).
and i found myself questioning... were those people there tonight truly artists, or try-hards?
and i found myself questioning myself why i was questioning.
i find myself very skeptical of such activities... i am much more appreciative of street artists than the company tonight. somehow, the whole setup was just too extravagent in a way... what exactly are these people skilled at? what are they artists for? generating masks and papparrazi fodder(sp)?
am i envious of them? because i had the chance to pursue my creative urges long time ago and lost it? i could be where they are tonight, and no more?
i wished she was with me, i could've asked her then, and we would have had a good time laughing, at myself, and at them.
23.4.02
i cant talk
my heart is killing me too much
im getting panic attacks
just from giving monosyllabic replies
there is no one
there is none
i want and i dont want, to be babysat, i know i have to see this through alone, oh god, help
i cant talk
i dont want to think
i just want to curl up
into a tiny dot
and then
disappear
sorry
my heart is killing me too much
im getting panic attacks
just from giving monosyllabic replies
there is no one
there is none
i want and i dont want, to be babysat, i know i have to see this through alone, oh god, help
i cant talk
i dont want to think
i just want to curl up
into a tiny dot
and then
disappear
sorry
20.4.02
we are all alone.
i've realised, ultimately, no matter wat happens, even if u have someone, a partner in a relationship, or anyone for that matter, thinking u can depend on that person is just a delusion on my part, im always alone, no one is going to understand/sympathise/empathise with me, that's just life
the world is an impartial place, the universe more so... there is no right or wrong, there are no morals... afterall, the universe we exist in (including our world), simply exists and is. we are but chaff in the cosmic winds. rights and wrongs, morals, are what man project onto himself, to take comfort and security in, to justify his own existence and actions. when the universe does not need such justification, it is, and will remain so, even as man lives out his existence on this rock which is but dust.
life becomes simpler if one was to assume he was alone, albeit selfish but simpler.
relationships are a farce, we are only lying to each other in the most loving way possible (and somehow, just because we love each other, makes it more bearable and forgivable), and taking comfort in each other when there is none to be given.
i have loved twice in my life, the first time, i learnt the lesson hard and swore to myself i would never be such a dog to someone ever again, and i would never cry for someone again. the second time, i thought this could be it, afterall, i never asked or looked for it, if this was fate, so be it, i shall not be the fool, let fate play me for the fool, but never myself. i have not cried, somehow, my body refuses to, as much as i would like to get it out and over with, i lie in bed wrecked with shakes and gasps, but never any tears. so i kept my promise to myself, never to cry for someone, and it looks like i am, might, have to, (i dunno, i hope, i still hope) re-learn the lesson again. practice makes perfect, is that not what they say.
by that analogy, i think i am on my way to perfecting how to be alone.
ultimately, we all live for ourselves.
i've realised, ultimately, no matter wat happens, even if u have someone, a partner in a relationship, or anyone for that matter, thinking u can depend on that person is just a delusion on my part, im always alone, no one is going to understand/sympathise/empathise with me, that's just life
the world is an impartial place, the universe more so... there is no right or wrong, there are no morals... afterall, the universe we exist in (including our world), simply exists and is. we are but chaff in the cosmic winds. rights and wrongs, morals, are what man project onto himself, to take comfort and security in, to justify his own existence and actions. when the universe does not need such justification, it is, and will remain so, even as man lives out his existence on this rock which is but dust.
life becomes simpler if one was to assume he was alone, albeit selfish but simpler.
relationships are a farce, we are only lying to each other in the most loving way possible (and somehow, just because we love each other, makes it more bearable and forgivable), and taking comfort in each other when there is none to be given.
i have loved twice in my life, the first time, i learnt the lesson hard and swore to myself i would never be such a dog to someone ever again, and i would never cry for someone again. the second time, i thought this could be it, afterall, i never asked or looked for it, if this was fate, so be it, i shall not be the fool, let fate play me for the fool, but never myself. i have not cried, somehow, my body refuses to, as much as i would like to get it out and over with, i lie in bed wrecked with shakes and gasps, but never any tears. so i kept my promise to myself, never to cry for someone, and it looks like i am, might, have to, (i dunno, i hope, i still hope) re-learn the lesson again. practice makes perfect, is that not what they say.
by that analogy, i think i am on my way to perfecting how to be alone.
ultimately, we all live for ourselves.
17.4.02
what we could have been once upon a time.
images
flashes
memories
flashes
too fast
cant
grab
stop
hold
dont
feel
and yet,
its there
something
i cant touch
nothing
i daren't go near.
what do i do with it?
it sits in my chest, a dead weight
sapping the life
making the dead
i want to open it up
assimilate it
i want the pain
to sear
i want the tears
to hurt
but nothing comes
stuggle to breathe
heart pounding
but nothing comes
what could we have been once upon a time?
nothing comes.
images
flashes
memories
flashes
too fast
cant
grab
stop
hold
dont
feel
and yet,
its there
something
i cant touch
nothing
i daren't go near.
what do i do with it?
it sits in my chest, a dead weight
sapping the life
making the dead
i want to open it up
assimilate it
i want the pain
to sear
i want the tears
to hurt
but nothing comes
stuggle to breathe
heart pounding
but nothing comes
what could we have been once upon a time?
nothing comes.
its locked away... the wall is up, i dont know when i'll let it out again, even as i secretly hope there is a reason to bring the wall down before it is too firmly in place.
i lay in bed today, images and memories flashing across my mind's eye at random, my heart pounding and my lungs gasping, every time i tried to chase down these images and memories, when i try to hold it in my mind, examine them, feel them, let them wash over me; i tried to cry, i managed a wetting of my eyes.
i cant touch on them, my body physically stops me with wrecks of shakes and lack of breath, my heart pounding too hard i darent push myself.
i cant.
its locked, the wall is up.
i just want to let it out and cry, and i cant.
i hope it stays this way.
i lay in bed today, images and memories flashing across my mind's eye at random, my heart pounding and my lungs gasping, every time i tried to chase down these images and memories, when i try to hold it in my mind, examine them, feel them, let them wash over me; i tried to cry, i managed a wetting of my eyes.
i cant touch on them, my body physically stops me with wrecks of shakes and lack of breath, my heart pounding too hard i darent push myself.
i cant.
its locked, the wall is up.
i just want to let it out and cry, and i cant.
i hope it stays this way.
all good things come to an end... ive said it before, and im saying it now... perhaps this is the final goodbye... who knows, i dont. im bitter and indignant about it, im upset about it... im relieved and yet, i dont want to be. i dont even feel anything right now except my mind swimming in johnny walker.
yes im imbibing alcohol, not for no reason, but it certainly doesnt help... blame it on social conditioning, it feels right, and i need that feeling now, amongst all the wrong.
i dont feel anything.
ofcos im telling myself that, but i cant afford to, sigh.
i'll survive, i have to.
no other options.
i hate life, i hate everything i've done, but im trying so hard not to hate.
i dont feel anything, the wall goes up, its not my fault, its not.
yes im imbibing alcohol, not for no reason, but it certainly doesnt help... blame it on social conditioning, it feels right, and i need that feeling now, amongst all the wrong.
i dont feel anything.
ofcos im telling myself that, but i cant afford to, sigh.
i'll survive, i have to.
no other options.
i hate life, i hate everything i've done, but im trying so hard not to hate.
i dont feel anything, the wall goes up, its not my fault, its not.
15.4.02
sometimes... i have the feeling my friend and i are the only sane people around. and im a pretty messed up person myself, or used to be... im forcing myself to improve now, because i dont have a choice... no one is here for me, no one is my emotional crutch. i realise last year the person i love, i cant turn to when i need it, which is further reeinforced by recent events.
where does that leave me? i cant afford to sink into the hole i was in last year, i dont want to be stuck here forever, i want to go home (im scared though... the way things look right now... i dont know if there is a home to go back to, again). that is my motivation now, that is what drives me, knowing that if i was the me last year, i would never leave which in turn would prolong this whole problem with being here... its a vicious cycle, methinks.
so i tell myself, u cant depend on anyone, just suck it up, bear with it, grind ur teeth if u have to, but fucking get over it, cos no one's here, the world doesnt care about me... the universe certainly doesnt for sure.
no... im not the sanest person at times, but this is as good as it gets for me, the realisation, the acceptance, and the willingness to move on.
it makes me wonder... if i am the only sane person around, what does it say about the people around me?
where does that leave me? i cant afford to sink into the hole i was in last year, i dont want to be stuck here forever, i want to go home (im scared though... the way things look right now... i dont know if there is a home to go back to, again). that is my motivation now, that is what drives me, knowing that if i was the me last year, i would never leave which in turn would prolong this whole problem with being here... its a vicious cycle, methinks.
so i tell myself, u cant depend on anyone, just suck it up, bear with it, grind ur teeth if u have to, but fucking get over it, cos no one's here, the world doesnt care about me... the universe certainly doesnt for sure.
no... im not the sanest person at times, but this is as good as it gets for me, the realisation, the acceptance, and the willingness to move on.
it makes me wonder... if i am the only sane person around, what does it say about the people around me?
11.4.02
thank god for the music.
there are times i might come across as bigotted or arrogant (not that i really care what people think of me anyway) when it comes to music and what i like.
i love this music i listen to, i take pride in loving it, i take pride in knowing it, i take pride in appreciating it, because it is the one passion in my life, it is the one thing which i can assimilate into myself, it is the one thing that guides me in my day to day existence, its peaks and troughs.
some of u know what im saying, some of u never will, this is not arrogance, this is just the way it is. accept it. i am not posting this to antagonise people.
music is like a language to me, the lost language of babel if u will, as some of u have heard me referring. it is the language of cultures, of races, it is the language that is honest and true because it doesnt need to be presented with words. it is heard, it is felt, it beats in the heart.
how do i explain it? i cant.
it is like a psychedelic experience, u can only experience it because no words of man will ever do it justice. i can give u a detailed explanation of how mdma or lsd works, i can give u a detailed description of its physical effects and symptoms, i can even give u a general description of its mental effects, but these are ONLY the quantifiable variables.
there is the unquantifiable ones, the x factors.
i cant cos i dont know the technical side of it, but if i could, i can rave about the structure of a tune, the sounds in it, the basslines, the vocals, ultimately, these are only technicalities.
there is the x factor.
why am i posting this... tonight, thinking about all the traumas and problems in my life as they happen before, right now, and in the future, it dawned on me.
music is the one consistent element in my life.
it is the one thing i CAN depend on, when i am at my lowest depth or my highest peak. it has never failed me the way people do. it brings me up, it brings me down, the way life does. i have music, i have a beat, every single moment of my life. when im awake, i listen to it, when im lying in bed, i listen to it in my heart's beating.
ever since i discovered it, it has been the one dependable companion on this journey, the one thing i can trust because everthing else changes but the moment i hear the music, the moment it gets parsed by my brain and i define my interpretation of what i hear, takes on the identity i project onto it, it becomes mine, it becomes me.
like i said, some of u will know what im saying, some wont understand this fanaticism, some will think they know what im saying.
accept it.
im feeling particularly fucked right now, because certain things keep recurring and i am weary and tired, i fight the good fight, i try even though i dont know why, all for a hope and memories. a single tenous thread holding me up and my mind is fraying right now.
but there is the music still.
and hence this post, i would like to take a moment of your time reading this, and thank god (figuratively speaking ofcos) for the music.
amen.
[james holden - nothing]
there are times i might come across as bigotted or arrogant (not that i really care what people think of me anyway) when it comes to music and what i like.
i love this music i listen to, i take pride in loving it, i take pride in knowing it, i take pride in appreciating it, because it is the one passion in my life, it is the one thing which i can assimilate into myself, it is the one thing that guides me in my day to day existence, its peaks and troughs.
some of u know what im saying, some of u never will, this is not arrogance, this is just the way it is. accept it. i am not posting this to antagonise people.
music is like a language to me, the lost language of babel if u will, as some of u have heard me referring. it is the language of cultures, of races, it is the language that is honest and true because it doesnt need to be presented with words. it is heard, it is felt, it beats in the heart.
how do i explain it? i cant.
it is like a psychedelic experience, u can only experience it because no words of man will ever do it justice. i can give u a detailed explanation of how mdma or lsd works, i can give u a detailed description of its physical effects and symptoms, i can even give u a general description of its mental effects, but these are ONLY the quantifiable variables.
there is the unquantifiable ones, the x factors.
i cant cos i dont know the technical side of it, but if i could, i can rave about the structure of a tune, the sounds in it, the basslines, the vocals, ultimately, these are only technicalities.
there is the x factor.
why am i posting this... tonight, thinking about all the traumas and problems in my life as they happen before, right now, and in the future, it dawned on me.
music is the one consistent element in my life.
it is the one thing i CAN depend on, when i am at my lowest depth or my highest peak. it has never failed me the way people do. it brings me up, it brings me down, the way life does. i have music, i have a beat, every single moment of my life. when im awake, i listen to it, when im lying in bed, i listen to it in my heart's beating.
ever since i discovered it, it has been the one dependable companion on this journey, the one thing i can trust because everthing else changes but the moment i hear the music, the moment it gets parsed by my brain and i define my interpretation of what i hear, takes on the identity i project onto it, it becomes mine, it becomes me.
like i said, some of u will know what im saying, some wont understand this fanaticism, some will think they know what im saying.
accept it.
im feeling particularly fucked right now, because certain things keep recurring and i am weary and tired, i fight the good fight, i try even though i dont know why, all for a hope and memories. a single tenous thread holding me up and my mind is fraying right now.
but there is the music still.
and hence this post, i would like to take a moment of your time reading this, and thank god (figuratively speaking ofcos) for the music.
amen.
[james holden - nothing]
10.4.02
i hate this... should i, should i not... i know if i do it, i'd regret it and be haunted by it, afterall, i was staking the rest of my life on this... and yet, one has to wonder... when the person cannot be depended on at crunch time, what does that have to say for the future?
it is always very disappointing to discover an ugly reality.
and yet i always hold on, thinking things were and could be good again.
life sucks, but we all know that.
and im posting quite a bit tonight... im just feeling indignant and wronged.
blog does not seem to be publishing properly tonight... i have to go into edit mode and re-post and publish b4 it goes up... go figure, its probably having a bad day/night like me.
it is always very disappointing to discover an ugly reality.
and yet i always hold on, thinking things were and could be good again.
life sucks, but we all know that.
and im posting quite a bit tonight... im just feeling indignant and wronged.
blog does not seem to be publishing properly tonight... i have to go into edit mode and re-post and publish b4 it goes up... go figure, its probably having a bad day/night like me.
i really should be updating this more... on the perchance that someone might actually read this and wonder ha right.
i always thought i'd use this space for thoughts that spring to mind, the quiet moments when i am feeling introspective, usually when im coming down, heh... i suppose right now it qualifies, drinking some red wine infront of the computer, listening to sasha and digweed's essential mix, and now playing gu22.
caught anthony pappa recently... been a bit of a fan since his nubreed but not crazy about him. boy did he blow me away... i have never heard a dj play so hard and maintain the flow and energy in a 4-hour set as well as he did. mixing was spot on though i heard him mess up maybe twice which was corrected. there were moments in his set when i just could not dance to it at all, such was the energy and the bpm, i was just sitting down shaking my head in amazement.
well that was the high point this month.
but...
sasha and digweed, my god... digweed is good as always, being the digweed whore i am... but its good to hear sasha back in form, solid sessions - janeiro (holden remix) -> james holden - nothing -> decepticons - eastern promises -> chimera - just doing my own thing, that 20 minutes in the second hour was just pure bliss, in your face melodic assault. i could've done without decepticons, spoilt the lushness of the soundscape for me, though i wonder if my mind would be able to handle janeiro, nothing, and just doing my own thing, in succession. for the first time i hear a set at home and i was literally rushing, not like with mdma but just pure adrenal... and i had a headache after that, man these natural peaks are taxing heh.
sigh... cass and slide - mind rewind is one wicked tune, the breakdown is just pure evil. one thing my friend and i have decided, cass and slide are artistes in the truest sense, u can never pigeon hole their sound, just listening to their essential mix shows their myriad musical influence, i respect that.
sigh, one thing about these moments... always get me down... its probably just the wine, i gave up drinking them a year ago afte realising that get me melancholic. wonder why im doing this to myself now.
sigh.
i hate it when circumstances are uncertain and outta control... not that i CAN control the circumstances but i dont even KNOW the circumstances... its easy to say one should just chill out and and go with the flow and yet... how can u do that if u truly cared?
sigh
notice a trend here... i only post when im feeling fucked, and i wasnt even feeling fucked to begin with... maybe blog gets me down.
i always thought i'd use this space for thoughts that spring to mind, the quiet moments when i am feeling introspective, usually when im coming down, heh... i suppose right now it qualifies, drinking some red wine infront of the computer, listening to sasha and digweed's essential mix, and now playing gu22.
caught anthony pappa recently... been a bit of a fan since his nubreed but not crazy about him. boy did he blow me away... i have never heard a dj play so hard and maintain the flow and energy in a 4-hour set as well as he did. mixing was spot on though i heard him mess up maybe twice which was corrected. there were moments in his set when i just could not dance to it at all, such was the energy and the bpm, i was just sitting down shaking my head in amazement.
well that was the high point this month.
but...
sasha and digweed, my god... digweed is good as always, being the digweed whore i am... but its good to hear sasha back in form, solid sessions - janeiro (holden remix) -> james holden - nothing -> decepticons - eastern promises -> chimera - just doing my own thing, that 20 minutes in the second hour was just pure bliss, in your face melodic assault. i could've done without decepticons, spoilt the lushness of the soundscape for me, though i wonder if my mind would be able to handle janeiro, nothing, and just doing my own thing, in succession. for the first time i hear a set at home and i was literally rushing, not like with mdma but just pure adrenal... and i had a headache after that, man these natural peaks are taxing heh.
sigh... cass and slide - mind rewind is one wicked tune, the breakdown is just pure evil. one thing my friend and i have decided, cass and slide are artistes in the truest sense, u can never pigeon hole their sound, just listening to their essential mix shows their myriad musical influence, i respect that.
sigh, one thing about these moments... always get me down... its probably just the wine, i gave up drinking them a year ago afte realising that get me melancholic. wonder why im doing this to myself now.
sigh.
i hate it when circumstances are uncertain and outta control... not that i CAN control the circumstances but i dont even KNOW the circumstances... its easy to say one should just chill out and and go with the flow and yet... how can u do that if u truly cared?
sigh
notice a trend here... i only post when im feeling fucked, and i wasnt even feeling fucked to begin with... maybe blog gets me down.
29.3.02
im turning 26 this year, and have been going out for the past ten years. i discovered progressive house couple of years ago (5 or 6 years ago a friend introduced me to the early renaissance and ministry of sound compilations, and underworld. northern exposure 1, was that earlier?) the first dj mixed compilation i owned was oakenfold - perfecto fluoro. i remember being so excited about this music i was hearing i had to bring my discman out and let my then girlfriend hear it. and there i was smiling and anticipating like a kid discovering something new, as she put on the earphones and after a few minutes of listening, she returned it to me, not displaying a marked increment in enthusiasm.
i am very anal about who i go out with, not because i was, or am, cool or l33t. but i realised there was only a select few who shared the same passion, who appreciate what i love on the same level. to this day, i remember seeing my friend with his eyes closed, hands outstretched infront of him, soaking up chicane - offshore. i remember us laughing and jumping when we heard hybrid drop sander kleinenberg - my lexicon. i remember us looking at each other across a dancefloor, not needing to say anything, just pointing in the air at a good track and the knowing grin.
music was more than just background entertainment to facilitate social interactions, to us, music was it, there was nothing else. we didnt go out to meet people, to rub shoulders or to drink... we went out for the music and everything else was secondrary. and this was before i discovered drugs and even till today, drugs too are secondrary.
my present girlfriend and i hear the same thing in music. we used to run to each other asking if we just heard a particular sound in a track or sms each other... and after a while, we stopped doing that, because we knew wherever we were, we heard the same sound that brought a smile to our faces, we didnt have to check with each other anymore.
i could dance my head off while out, or just as easily, stand still with my eyes closed and on opening them again, surprised to find myself in an enclosed space with someone's back in my face, momentarily disoriented.
my apologies if this is all personal and rambling... im trying to relate what music means and does to me.
people tell me i would change as i got older. my priorities would become different; but music was never a priority, it was a passion, not external to my life. its intrinsic.
i cant imagine not having music in my life... silence is just too empty to bear.
and to all these people who share the music, respects, i probably would never meet you, but its good to know there's someone out there sharing the music.
i am very anal about who i go out with, not because i was, or am, cool or l33t. but i realised there was only a select few who shared the same passion, who appreciate what i love on the same level. to this day, i remember seeing my friend with his eyes closed, hands outstretched infront of him, soaking up chicane - offshore. i remember us laughing and jumping when we heard hybrid drop sander kleinenberg - my lexicon. i remember us looking at each other across a dancefloor, not needing to say anything, just pointing in the air at a good track and the knowing grin.
music was more than just background entertainment to facilitate social interactions, to us, music was it, there was nothing else. we didnt go out to meet people, to rub shoulders or to drink... we went out for the music and everything else was secondrary. and this was before i discovered drugs and even till today, drugs too are secondrary.
my present girlfriend and i hear the same thing in music. we used to run to each other asking if we just heard a particular sound in a track or sms each other... and after a while, we stopped doing that, because we knew wherever we were, we heard the same sound that brought a smile to our faces, we didnt have to check with each other anymore.
i could dance my head off while out, or just as easily, stand still with my eyes closed and on opening them again, surprised to find myself in an enclosed space with someone's back in my face, momentarily disoriented.
my apologies if this is all personal and rambling... im trying to relate what music means and does to me.
people tell me i would change as i got older. my priorities would become different; but music was never a priority, it was a passion, not external to my life. its intrinsic.
i cant imagine not having music in my life... silence is just too empty to bear.
and to all these people who share the music, respects, i probably would never meet you, but its good to know there's someone out there sharing the music.
22.3.02
a death in the family
he was an acquintance, always seeing him around grinning and dancing madly. looked like he lived his moments to the fullest. i feel a loss which i tell myself is not rational, as much as he could be another stranger. but he crossed my path briefly and one would like to think these things happen for a reason.
the fact that he seemed to throw himself into life and enjoyed it made an impression on me, and i wanted to know this person.
no more.
there will be a gap at the parties where he should be, dancing and grinning madly, infecting the people around him.
i hope u continue to rock the place, wherever that might be.
there are no endings, only transitions.
he was an acquintance, always seeing him around grinning and dancing madly. looked like he lived his moments to the fullest. i feel a loss which i tell myself is not rational, as much as he could be another stranger. but he crossed my path briefly and one would like to think these things happen for a reason.
the fact that he seemed to throw himself into life and enjoyed it made an impression on me, and i wanted to know this person.
no more.
there will be a gap at the parties where he should be, dancing and grinning madly, infecting the people around him.
i hope u continue to rock the place, wherever that might be.
there are no endings, only transitions.
13.3.02
my brightest star's my inner light
let it guide me
experience and innocence
bleed inside me
hallucinogens can open me
or untie me
i drift in innerspace
free of time
i find a higher state of grace
in my mind
im beautiful
i wasnt born to follow
i live just for today, dont care about tomorrow
what ive got in my head you cant buy, steal or borrow
i believe in live
and let live
i believe you get
what you give
ive glimpsed
i have tasted
fantastical places
my soul's
an oasis
higher than the sun
im
higher than the sun
[primal scream - higher than the sun]
let it guide me
experience and innocence
bleed inside me
hallucinogens can open me
or untie me
i drift in innerspace
free of time
i find a higher state of grace
in my mind
im beautiful
i wasnt born to follow
i live just for today, dont care about tomorrow
what ive got in my head you cant buy, steal or borrow
i believe in live
and let live
i believe you get
what you give
ive glimpsed
i have tasted
fantastical places
my soul's
an oasis
higher than the sun
im
higher than the sun
[primal scream - higher than the sun]
6.3.02
today, i drew my first drawing in years.
sitting down on the bench, waiting for the train home which was coming in 16 minutes... i took out a small sketch book and a pen which i just bought today, and just drew what i saw, infront of me, in the twilight...
...church spires
...leaves/trees
...roofs
...chimneys
...lightning conductors
...antennae
...clouds
it wasnt a good, neither was it bad, drawing, it just was... a landscape study in pen and outlines... simple.
i wasnt after anything with a fluorish... in fact, i wasnt even sure if i could still draw and today was just a first step in years... it wasnt exalting, wasnt gratifying, but it was satisfying.
to be able to draw what i saw, and to put a date to it.
perhaps i shall give it a title too.
and so...
... i drew my first drawing in years.
sitting down on the bench, waiting for the train home which was coming in 16 minutes... i took out a small sketch book and a pen which i just bought today, and just drew what i saw, infront of me, in the twilight...
...church spires
...leaves/trees
...roofs
...chimneys
...lightning conductors
...antennae
...clouds
it wasnt a good, neither was it bad, drawing, it just was... a landscape study in pen and outlines... simple.
i wasnt after anything with a fluorish... in fact, i wasnt even sure if i could still draw and today was just a first step in years... it wasnt exalting, wasnt gratifying, but it was satisfying.
to be able to draw what i saw, and to put a date to it.
perhaps i shall give it a title too.
and so...
... i drew my first drawing in years.
4.3.02
addicted to sound
the problem with being upfront
everything gets boring, too quickly... sure a tune is good, a set could possibly be good... but its passe, too fast... how many tunes do u hear makes it to ur "classic" list?
when i hear a tune these days, i find myself wondering how long its appeal would last, afterall, i'd hate to get all excited about a new tune and next thing i know, im over it. like a crush it is.
same goes for producers.
u start picking out the same sounds they use, or start thinking a certain sound in a certain track sounds like deja vu... and u go... no, not another...
and yet... its a vicious cycle... as much as u get bored with the tunes when u FINALLY hear them played locally... u KNOW u're getting into trouble with this addiction to sound but u continually search for new ones, u thirst for it, u hunger for it... another day, another bassline, which will grace ur exalted ears today?
how boring is a set when u can spot 3/4 of it? or worse... when u know the track but cant remember it and it keeps bugging u and interrupts ur dancing? yes we've all been there, we know the frustration...
...and we continue doing it to ourselves, searching for the next hit, the next fix, whoring ourselves...
well i can think of a much worse vice.
this post partially inspired by the following conversation:
[01:33] <@denari> you know what the problem is?
[01:33] <@denari> we're all SO into the music and trainspotting it
[01:33] <@denari> that we've heard everything
[01:33] <@denari> so it's really hard to impress
[01:33] <@denari> it's probably a very good set
[01:33] <@denari> but you're tired of those records by now
[01:33] <@denari> but 99% of the crowd wasn't, and they loved it... and that's all that matters
[01:33] <@denari> moral of the story? newbies love anything
the problem with being upfront
everything gets boring, too quickly... sure a tune is good, a set could possibly be good... but its passe, too fast... how many tunes do u hear makes it to ur "classic" list?
when i hear a tune these days, i find myself wondering how long its appeal would last, afterall, i'd hate to get all excited about a new tune and next thing i know, im over it. like a crush it is.
same goes for producers.
u start picking out the same sounds they use, or start thinking a certain sound in a certain track sounds like deja vu... and u go... no, not another...
and yet... its a vicious cycle... as much as u get bored with the tunes when u FINALLY hear them played locally... u KNOW u're getting into trouble with this addiction to sound but u continually search for new ones, u thirst for it, u hunger for it... another day, another bassline, which will grace ur exalted ears today?
how boring is a set when u can spot 3/4 of it? or worse... when u know the track but cant remember it and it keeps bugging u and interrupts ur dancing? yes we've all been there, we know the frustration...
...and we continue doing it to ourselves, searching for the next hit, the next fix, whoring ourselves...
well i can think of a much worse vice.
this post partially inspired by the following conversation:
[01:33] <@denari> you know what the problem is?
[01:33] <@denari> we're all SO into the music and trainspotting it
[01:33] <@denari> that we've heard everything
[01:33] <@denari> so it's really hard to impress
[01:33] <@denari> it's probably a very good set
[01:33] <@denari> but you're tired of those records by now
[01:33] <@denari> but 99% of the crowd wasn't, and they loved it... and that's all that matters
[01:33] <@denari> moral of the story? newbies love anything
27.2.02
...and here i am, back
in a place
homely but
not
its strange this time round... maybe i've been in singapore for too long... maybe the government there is broadcasting some subliminal frequencies to brainwash her people. im feeling much more domesticated now... i still want to go out to parties and right now, im listening to andy jarrod & mark diciristo - vapourized 3, so i know i still enjoy my music, but at the same time, im wary of putting myself in an environment where drugs is the norm.
im not saying im gonna quit the drugs, im sure one day i will, but not right now, and i know better to make any resolutions on that. but im so wary, im almost scared of being tempted. maybe i just need time to get back into the swing of things, get a feel, make peace with the drugs before i start exploring the uncharted human psyche again.
it would be nice, but deceiving, to think i can go out clean and have a fun time... yes i do enjoy the music and yes i would have a good time but it would never be as fun as it could be with the drugs. at the back of my mind, there will always be this nagging thought of how much better it can be. but as someone wrote recently on bluelight, its an artificial high, an artificial happiness and perhaps, that is the problem, its artificial. and perhaps what im experiencing is progress, as another member of bluelight puts it.
enough of this morose business.
in a place
homely but
not
its strange this time round... maybe i've been in singapore for too long... maybe the government there is broadcasting some subliminal frequencies to brainwash her people. im feeling much more domesticated now... i still want to go out to parties and right now, im listening to andy jarrod & mark diciristo - vapourized 3, so i know i still enjoy my music, but at the same time, im wary of putting myself in an environment where drugs is the norm.
im not saying im gonna quit the drugs, im sure one day i will, but not right now, and i know better to make any resolutions on that. but im so wary, im almost scared of being tempted. maybe i just need time to get back into the swing of things, get a feel, make peace with the drugs before i start exploring the uncharted human psyche again.
it would be nice, but deceiving, to think i can go out clean and have a fun time... yes i do enjoy the music and yes i would have a good time but it would never be as fun as it could be with the drugs. at the back of my mind, there will always be this nagging thought of how much better it can be. but as someone wrote recently on bluelight, its an artificial high, an artificial happiness and perhaps, that is the problem, its artificial. and perhaps what im experiencing is progress, as another member of bluelight puts it.
enough of this morose business.
11.12.01
8.12.01
i love u... i dunno why i keep saying it; im sure if someone dissected my psyche, it probably has its roots in insecurity and inadequacy. but i love u, and i cant seem to convey enough of how i feel, in those three simple words.
people use this phrase all the time but i find it so wanting, its too simple, too plain... it doesnt begin to describe how i feel or how you make me feel when we're together. no, it doesnt even come close to explaining or transcribing what goes on inside of me... let alone encapsulate my concept of us.
the fact that i've never felt like this? been happy for a person the way i am for u when i see u smiling even if im not the reason? constantly wanting to hold and touch u, even as we're walking? the way i miss u and constantly thinking of u as much as i try not to?
your smile
your smell
your hair
your eyes
your laughter
you
i love you
i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough
people use this phrase all the time but i find it so wanting, its too simple, too plain... it doesnt begin to describe how i feel or how you make me feel when we're together. no, it doesnt even come close to explaining or transcribing what goes on inside of me... let alone encapsulate my concept of us.
the fact that i've never felt like this? been happy for a person the way i am for u when i see u smiling even if im not the reason? constantly wanting to hold and touch u, even as we're walking? the way i miss u and constantly thinking of u as much as i try not to?
your smile
your smell
your hair
your eyes
your laughter
you
i love you
i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough
26.11.01
im not going to let myself feel anymore, im sick of feeling upset over everything u say... u were once as empathic but no longer and im the only left feeling everything whilst u are oblivious to what u do to me, as long as u get it out and... u're so full of anger, where does it end and where do u begin? u are the anger and it is u. and me? i am just the one who doest understand cos anger never took root in me.
it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.
u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.
but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.
i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?
anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.
it saddens me, that i cant make u feel better or make a difference in ur life, but when u chose to give in to ur anger, i am at a loss more so than ever.
u were right... i will never understand... what is there to understand? except anger is a mindless rage that u need to lash out with and everyone around u becomes victim. i refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by anger, hence i am the loser who is more depressed than happy or angry.
but i think i rather be this than be what u are now.
i dont want my world to be filled with bitter anger... sure the world doesnt impress me much, but its the world, its life, cest la vie... if i am to hate the world, when does it end?
anger feeds itself and the world is fodder.
25.11.01
ambient disjointed sounds
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.
someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter
speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes
music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body
i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien
sound becomes visuals becomes space
i want to scream
becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes
music
becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words
and i opened my
eyes through coloured lenses
sounds becomes space becomes visuals
opened my eyes
24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb
flowing and melding into
a whole
cohesive
soundscape
that settles in gently, sinks into the surroundings.
someone talking
words were spoken
i know not
it doesnt matter
speech becomes words becomes sounds becomes
music
lush
electronic
bleeps
disjointed
touches on the mind
caresses on that and my body
i close my eyes
i see with my mind
a world familiar and alien
sound becomes visuals becomes space
i want to scream
becomes words becomes sounds becomes visuals becomes space becomes
music
becomes space becomes visuals becomes sounds becomes words
and i opened my
eyes through coloured lenses
sounds becomes space becomes visuals
opened my eyes
24th nov, earthcore@mt disappointment, the orb
22.11.01
A strange serenity has overpowered my stronger emotions today.
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence..
No more tossed back and forth from flights of fancy
To depths of despair
This is not the familiar numbness I crawl into
When I feel poised to break
It's almost like I've crawled out of some
Confining waiting bay
And reached full stride...
Unbridled restlessness infusing my every breath with energy
A sneaking suspicion plays with the corners of my mouth
Gently tracing whispers of secret smiles
Could it be?
---
Majestic bird in full flight..
A shot echoes through the air
And the bird falls..
Slowly testing every fibre of its being
Drawing ever closer to that final impact..
Wings tentatively spread and flex
And the bird flies true to the horizon
---
Could it be?
Shot down and falling
Spiralling towards that ever approaching conclusion
Still in the confusion and the panic
A tentative search found
All parts operational
Heart pounding, but not torn to shreds
I feel the whispers of secret smiles
Play across my face
My footholds found, I enjoy every moment as I wait
They always say the eye of the storm is surreal in silence...
-mez
15.11.01
Adorned in black
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom
-ja
enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near
always afar
always beside
reaching
yearning
aching
to touch
to hold
never
except the final
embrace
She glides in the dark
Long flowing mare of no lack
Enchanting; betwiching little lark
Wouldn't I love to touch
Her skin paler than the moon
Fine woven spiderwebs and such-
Clung to her hair of shiny nylon
Her nails sharp as claws
Red as her painted lips
Her word is my law
I am captivated by her swaying hips
She bathes me in her gloom
She looms over my life in doom
-ja
enthralled
bespelled
i look
up
upon that face
translucent in the glow
so near
always afar
always beside
reaching
yearning
aching
to touch
to hold
never
except the final
embrace
It was an unexpected night..
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...
-mez
...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?
are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?
...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened
a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick
...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock
As much as was planned for, hope invested into, I never imagined it would be like that. So many things made it a night I won't forget, and never regret. So many ways to look at it, and all that is left? A feeling of being tossed about by a wave here of happy reflection, then amazement, and now longing. The longing which I find I suppress, and won't admit. It really was like living a dream, and finding that a little piece of me died when the dream was over at sun rise. So many feelings stirred up with those gentle, needy and yet somehow liberating embraces. The tender touch from a soul which knows my own more completely than my mind does. Not knowing where to stand now, I sit and try to lose myself in that night.. I escape into it, feeding my sanity with precious segmented memories. I take refuge in moments which I know are isolated, which will not replay outside the secrecy of my mind's eye... Finding a harsh form of reality come crashing at me, I fall over and lie stunned on the ground, unable to move. Still holding on to the thrill like a child desparately trying to piece together a broken toy...
-mez
...and where are we now
back to our lives, our very own lives
paths intersecting no more
have the stars moved?
are the heavens no longer in favour?
are
our
stolen
moments
have
they
slipped
through
my
outstreched
hand?
...and where are we now
looking
searching
finding the pieces
finding
revelling
in memories
of a night best forgotten
never happened
a touch
a caress
a kiss
a lick
...and where are we now
i know not what u're thinking
are u?
i am
just another
fool
trying to
turn back the clock
10.11.01
i think im turning into a social freak.
dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.
do i want to fit in?
yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.
perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.
it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?
and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.
i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly
dont know how to talk to people, cant interact... and at the same time, feeling lost and depressed that i cant fit in.
do i want to fit in?
yes, i would like to, when i need to. not fit in for the sake of fitting in, but fit in with like minded ppl who appreciate the company... not fit in when the only conversation is noise/static best left to the background.
perhaps it's selfish, wanting to be alone and yet, expecting to be welcomed into society when i need company.
it sucks being an animal... wanting to be part of a herd... as i said b4, despite all the evolution and social engineering, we still cling to each other desperately, needing to belong to a greater whole. u'd thnk we'd be above such primal instincts, but at the same time, do we really want to?
and be cut off, be true individuals and not need any company.
i'd like to meet u,
if i didnt wanna be alone so badly
27.10.01
24.10.01
22.10.01
strange how your darkest secrets are poured out to a faceless stranger on the internet. blind honesty, leap of faith because the act does not come back to haunt you? ironic that after years of evolution and social engineering, we fallback on our most primal instinct to be part of a herd, to need contact, comfort, consolation from any quarters, and actually welcome the arms of a faceless stranger miles away, connected so tenuously with phone lines and optical fibre networks; data packets that gets repacked, gets shuffled, gets trasmitted, reassembled... our lives torn apart and put together for the scrutiny of a person unknown... our emotional well-being resting on something as fine a spider's web.
it is an amazing thing, this internet, what have we created? bringing us together as a planet... perhaps one day, we'd evolve into a single symbiotic being capable of representing ourselves as one... us the blood cells, the internet our veins... the planet a brain... ah... utopian visions.
it is an amazing thing, this internet, what have we created? bringing us together as a planet... perhaps one day, we'd evolve into a single symbiotic being capable of representing ourselves as one... us the blood cells, the internet our veins... the planet a brain... ah... utopian visions.
21.10.01
what is that sound
ringing in my ears
the strangest sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of
two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of
one love
that neither one can hide
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
what is that sound
runing round my head
funny i thought
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
because there's someone
who make it beat again
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
lamb - what sound
i wished i could write something like this
ringing in my ears
the strangest sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of
two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of
one love
that neither one can hide
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
what is that sound
runing round my head
funny i thought
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
because there's someone
who make it beat again
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
the sound
that makes
the world
go round
lamb - what sound
i wished i could write something like this
17.10.01
its not amazing (saying that would be such a cliche); it is frightening how the internet has pervasively entrench itself in our mundane lives. one can hardly claim to be part of the 21st century and not have an email address or god forbid, an icq uin.
having said that... i survived the past 2 weeks without my virtual lifeline, the days turning into torturous nights of insomnia, staring up at the walls and ceiling and feeling claustrophobic.
the net is so much more than an instrument of communication, it has, in yours truly's case, become an addiction, an escape.
holed in the room, blinds shutting out the world intruding through the window, the ubiquitous monitor opens up to another world of sensory overload, a wonderous world of data, information, words, rubbish and porn.
i am in my element, the world truly at my fingertips.
one can almost imagine... one day, there'd be people like us, constantly connected to the net, constantly accessing data, assimilating, feeling for nuances, nodes, a la the protagonist in all tomorrow's party.
data-miners.
having said that... i survived the past 2 weeks without my virtual lifeline, the days turning into torturous nights of insomnia, staring up at the walls and ceiling and feeling claustrophobic.
the net is so much more than an instrument of communication, it has, in yours truly's case, become an addiction, an escape.
holed in the room, blinds shutting out the world intruding through the window, the ubiquitous monitor opens up to another world of sensory overload, a wonderous world of data, information, words, rubbish and porn.
i am in my element, the world truly at my fingertips.
one can almost imagine... one day, there'd be people like us, constantly connected to the net, constantly accessing data, assimilating, feeling for nuances, nodes, a la the protagonist in all tomorrow's party.
data-miners.
6.9.01
im feeling down again. after coming across the piece of writing i just posted, i went through some old emails i sent out over the year... it seems like there have been much happier times, and the frightening thing is, it's only been a year. i dont recognise myself in the emails. i couldnt possibly have grown or changed so much in the last year, not when i've had 24 years to reach where i am tonight.
i am so sad for the days gone... im turning 25 in october, and yet, it seemed like a year ago, life was indeed simpler and more innocent (who am i to be saying this). i think having to come to terms with missing someone changes a person a lot... the world becomes a much darker place with that little glimpse of light at the end, flickering so fragily like a candle, hope... dwindling and flaring so uncertainly. im becoming harsher and more numb.
gone are the days when i can smile and love with ease.
everything comes with a price now, carved out of me.
i shouldnt hold on to the past.
but when the present is not worth anything
the future is uncertain
and the past is depressing
where can i live?
sigh
i wished the choice was out of my hands... i wished someone would decide i am to die.
i am so sad for the days gone... im turning 25 in october, and yet, it seemed like a year ago, life was indeed simpler and more innocent (who am i to be saying this). i think having to come to terms with missing someone changes a person a lot... the world becomes a much darker place with that little glimpse of light at the end, flickering so fragily like a candle, hope... dwindling and flaring so uncertainly. im becoming harsher and more numb.
gone are the days when i can smile and love with ease.
everything comes with a price now, carved out of me.
i shouldnt hold on to the past.
but when the present is not worth anything
the future is uncertain
and the past is depressing
where can i live?
sigh
i wished the choice was out of my hands... i wished someone would decide i am to die.
02092000:1420
i wish
i wish i could bottle everything up
{
dancing, prancing, tumbling, turning, flashing
fireflies
elusive
words
}
i wish i had a camera
{
capture
record
archive
time
people dancing, embodying music, paying homage
thoughts
emotions
breath
in technicolour glory
}
i wish i had paint
{
black, white
people disappearing in smoke
head
shoulder
arm
fading
in... out... wispy ghosts
}
can you hear it?
{
anticipate
close your eyes and i will be your guide
stand on the peak, look
wide open sky of the palest blue
empty expanse of land, rivers running like veins, life
take a step, of faith
fall... float, fly
}
can you hear it?
{
almost
that tingling melody, so soft, carried on the wind
sparking your consciousness, firing your nerves
carrying you up, higher.. higher
state
}
i wish i was a seismograph
can you see them?
{
heart-beat
breathing
shivers
tingles
}
i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough
shake it
can you see?
{
the twinkle of lights?
}
can you hear?
{
the music?
}
words
cannot capture
fireflies
let them fly
i wish
you were here
something i came across, written in september last year
i wish
i wish i could bottle everything up
{
dancing, prancing, tumbling, turning, flashing
fireflies
elusive
words
}
i wish i had a camera
{
capture
record
archive
time
people dancing, embodying music, paying homage
thoughts
emotions
breath
in technicolour glory
}
i wish i had paint
{
black, white
people disappearing in smoke
head
shoulder
arm
fading
in... out... wispy ghosts
}
can you hear it?
{
anticipate
close your eyes and i will be your guide
stand on the peak, look
wide open sky of the palest blue
empty expanse of land, rivers running like veins, life
take a step, of faith
fall... float, fly
}
can you hear it?
{
almost
that tingling melody, so soft, carried on the wind
sparking your consciousness, firing your nerves
carrying you up, higher.. higher
state
}
i wish i was a seismograph
can you see them?
{
heart-beat
breathing
shivers
tingles
}
i wish... i wish i could contain everything, and more, so much more
and
i wish there was a sparkling crystal ball able to hold it all, and not enuough
shake it
can you see?
{
the twinkle of lights?
}
can you hear?
{
the music?
}
words
cannot capture
fireflies
let them fly
i wish
you were here
something i came across, written in september last year
3.9.01
28.8.01
time...
a journey is what i have to take,
to find myself that choice i must make.
to wonder through the hands of all time,
a vision of my life i must find.
the time has come for me to depart,
i'll leave the world a piece of my heart.
where i go you cannot follow,
if i'll be back i really don't know.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time......
you'll say you'll miss me i won't belive,
cause you laughed at me and all of my dreams.
but now the laughs are at your expense,
'cause where i go my dreams all make sense.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time...
the time
i'll never forget
those times that we spent
i'll never never, never forget
all those times, that we spent
girl you know
i'll never forget
all those times, that we spent
i'll remember, all those times that we spent
i'll remember, all those good times
all those times, that we spent
time......
- slam - lifetimes
a journey is what i have to take,
to find myself that choice i must make.
to wonder through the hands of all time,
a vision of my life i must find.
the time has come for me to depart,
i'll leave the world a piece of my heart.
where i go you cannot follow,
if i'll be back i really don't know.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time......
you'll say you'll miss me i won't belive,
cause you laughed at me and all of my dreams.
but now the laughs are at your expense,
'cause where i go my dreams all make sense.
girl you know i won't forget,
all those times we spent.
no one said that it would last,
girl i won't forget the past.
time...
the time
i'll never forget
those times that we spent
i'll never never, never forget
all those times, that we spent
girl you know
i'll never forget
all those times, that we spent
i'll remember, all those times that we spent
i'll remember, all those good times
all those times, that we spent
time......
- slam - lifetimes
27.8.01
numb/dead/emotionless
a torture beyond hurts
zombified
trapped
empty breathing shell
worse than death
i refuse to let myself be drained.
once emotionless/once numbed/ it's weird/ felt like a stone for mths/ nothing seems to matter/ stucked in a void where u dun really feel happiness and depressing shit doesn't seem to kill u either/ its like nothing matters and u only know u are embarked on this path of self destruction/ the light in u flickering / casting shadows on ur existence/ i rem seeking rest/ asking for an end/ to escape the void within/
it's not a good place. i hate that void. there's no ups and downs. just a zombie doing the everyday. i like to believe . i remind myself to believe that thru the abyss, one learns to appreciate the light of everyday.
a torture beyond hurts
zombified
trapped
empty breathing shell
worse than death
i refuse to let myself be drained.
once emotionless/once numbed/ it's weird/ felt like a stone for mths/ nothing seems to matter/ stucked in a void where u dun really feel happiness and depressing shit doesn't seem to kill u either/ its like nothing matters and u only know u are embarked on this path of self destruction/ the light in u flickering / casting shadows on ur existence/ i rem seeking rest/ asking for an end/ to escape the void within/
it's not a good place. i hate that void. there's no ups and downs. just a zombie doing the everyday. i like to believe . i remind myself to believe that thru the abyss, one learns to appreciate the light of everyday.
25.8.01
24.8.01
Maybe it's not true
The love we see on the TV
The sort we always imagine
Some things just don't come true
There'll always be some distraction
Like a shiny red balloon
That will eventually spoil everything
-yukun
shiny red balloon
of days gone by
speck in the sky
wide clear blue
bright sunny vista
of days gone by
look
touch
cold
glass
tv
-off-
The love we see on the TV
The sort we always imagine
Some things just don't come true
There'll always be some distraction
Like a shiny red balloon
That will eventually spoil everything
-yukun
shiny red balloon
of days gone by
speck in the sky
wide clear blue
bright sunny vista
of days gone by
look
touch
cold
glass
tv
-off-
21.8.01
starjourneywork.doc
what can i say to you friend, 1 day as me and father crested a hill dad told me "life isnt fair dont get your hopes up", I replied "why dad the world is beautiful", he said "beauty can be dangerous", I replied but "why would anyone want to hurt me", he said "the whole world is full of pain", i said "but dad I cant fix everything", he said "the future is in your hands", I said "but I just want to live", he said "life is hard you are lucky to be alive", I said "but I didnt choose to be born", he said "you still are responsible for your actions"
so as I walked down the hill we stood on dad stayed at the top, he said "why would you want to walk down there?, I can see everything from the top.", I did not answer and kept walking until i reached a small stream, I crossed it and walked into a meadow with lush grass with thousands of butterflies, i picked a handful of grass and on closer inspection found that each blade was infinitely different from its neighbour, and they glistened with irridescent dew, i put 1 blade in my pocket and walked back across the stream, and up the hill, when I reached the top I found night had fallen and my dad said "look what you where missing, look at those stars!" I handed dad the blade which he fingered with distaste and replied "but dad, I believe a blade of grass is no less than the journeywork of the stars dad" -walt whitman
[04:37] sometimes we get caught up in the problems of our life and dont allow ourselves to sit back and enjoy the enexplicable beauty of the moment
[04:37] dude this may seem arrogant but you should put this somewher to remind you to keep it real
[04:38] and to fuck off expectation
[this is from a good friend i met online (the wonders of modern technology bringing ppl together never fails to surprise nor amazes me), kieran, whose introspection, insights and maturity belies his age and who more often than not, provokes and gives me the tight slap of reality. he should definitely write more]
what can i say to you friend, 1 day as me and father crested a hill dad told me "life isnt fair dont get your hopes up", I replied "why dad the world is beautiful", he said "beauty can be dangerous", I replied but "why would anyone want to hurt me", he said "the whole world is full of pain", i said "but dad I cant fix everything", he said "the future is in your hands", I said "but I just want to live", he said "life is hard you are lucky to be alive", I said "but I didnt choose to be born", he said "you still are responsible for your actions"
so as I walked down the hill we stood on dad stayed at the top, he said "why would you want to walk down there?, I can see everything from the top.", I did not answer and kept walking until i reached a small stream, I crossed it and walked into a meadow with lush grass with thousands of butterflies, i picked a handful of grass and on closer inspection found that each blade was infinitely different from its neighbour, and they glistened with irridescent dew, i put 1 blade in my pocket and walked back across the stream, and up the hill, when I reached the top I found night had fallen and my dad said "look what you where missing, look at those stars!" I handed dad the blade which he fingered with distaste and replied "but dad, I believe a blade of grass is no less than the journeywork of the stars dad" -walt whitman
[04:37]
[04:37]
[04:38]
[this is from a good friend i met online (the wonders of modern technology bringing ppl together never fails to surprise nor amazes me), kieran, whose introspection, insights and maturity belies his age and who more often than not, provokes and gives me the tight slap of reality. he should definitely write more]
19.8.01
15.8.01
felt like u wanna cry but u cant?
or dying but u're too chicken?
stop glorifying it all. loser
the pit is such a familiar place but it feels like im visiting for the first time tonight
everytime i think the lump in my chest has hit the bottom, it sinks
somemore
when i take a breath.
weak fucking loser i am a knot of contradictions so tightly wound up in myself
idunseewhereitstartsorend
i am the self-righteous bastard who convinces himself he is
not.
i cant see anyone respecting me
im sure someone doesnt tonight
i dun deserve to be loved but please
i dun deserve to be in the perfect world i was in please
i cant
go
on
but i cant do the deed either.
fucking loser.
or dying but u're too chicken?
stop glorifying it all. loser
the pit is such a familiar place but it feels like im visiting for the first time tonight
everytime i think the lump in my chest has hit the bottom, it sinks
somemore
when i take a breath.
weak fucking loser i am a knot of contradictions so tightly wound up in myself
idunseewhereitstartsorend
i am the self-righteous bastard who convinces himself he is
not.
i cant see anyone respecting me
im sure someone doesnt tonight
i dun deserve to be loved but please
i dun deserve to be in the perfect world i was in please
i cant
go
on
but i cant do the deed either.
fucking loser.
5.8.01
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