[another day... another day... just breathe... another day... just believe... another day... just breathe... im used to it by now -telepopmusik]
i am sure, one day, i will look back at this period of my life, who knows, we might both look back together, over a cup of coffee (a cafe latte without froth for you), shoulders hunched over a table too low, aroma wafting into our nose like the breeze i remember in ur hair.
and because, it would be one day in the future, when i would be older, and wiser, no? i can look back at myself, sitting cross legged, hunched, teary, typing this out on a keyboard stained by my fingers. listening to her singing to me, to breathe... to believe.
when i live again... and can bear to revisit this chapter...
perhaps, i can look back with you, amused, and have a laugh at life, youth and how, losing you was the end of my world.
but it was
19.8.02
its a strange thing... i've experienced many times, but it just dawned on me, clicked together last night. i have many masks in my social life, the faces i put on in different social situations... not because i am a hyprocrite, but that's just how adaptive i am to people around me, i feed off vibes and return them, and its not necessarily a good thing when one is so emotionally sensitive. it used to bother me that i do not seem to have a consistent character, besides my most fundamental beliefs and principles... my self-expression/interaction changes with a snap of a finger to fit the context of a current company.
so i grew up with it, and just not think about it; i'm just better at dealing with different people, life goes on easily enough.
last night, as i danced to the music, i finally found a center for myself, where its stable and i dont have to think about myself or anything. it was just purely the music and i, holding a conversation. it felt right, no faces, no mannerisms and self-deception, i cant explain what a revelation it was (no i wasnt tripping). the me who move and re-orientate with every transient lapping wave of my psyche... i finally found a center. i found me, which doesnt need to adapt, oblige, answer to.
just two of us, the music and i, having an exhillirating converation and at times, not even one, but just a silent nod of acknowledgement, acceptance, respect and a small smile on my face. it was a silent victory... i was certainly not about to run all over the place shouting like the mad man i might have looked like, or did. i was satisfied, having found something new about the music that rules my life, contented, that i discovered something about, rather, found myself.
i dont know how long this will last, or if it will even cascade down into my life... but as my body was talking to the music, i found an equilibrium and peace.
although it still doesnt compare to being in love (oh how i miss the joys of drawing a deep lungful of air, wanting to burst out laughing becos life was beautiful and i was where i am... yes i miss that very much); i still miss her, and i think of her every moment, as i am doing right now, wishing with every breath and yet, exhaling; i havent had this peace and surety within for a long time.
all my self-doubts, my lack of faith in my fellow beings (having someone shred away my belief and understanding can do that), my cynicism; for the few hours last night, i lost them all.
i didnt need people, i didnt need anything, i didnt need to open up and be vulnerable, i didnt need to build anything... the music was there, always been, the music and i. we had an understanding, unspoken.
my one constant companion who has never let me down, in the right hands.
i am very grateful, for that few hours.
to all of u who love the music, thank you for sharing my life.
i lost myself tonight
in the depths of
basslines, claps, hi-hats, synths
my many facades
my many mannerism
i lost
them
all
my gins
my grimaces
lost
them
all
ego pared away
the ghost in the shell
the soul in the machine
that i was
lost
it
all
to the music
just guiding my mind into a deeper abyss
dissolute
dissolved
i feel a beat
i am there
punctuating it
feet, arms, elbows and hands
no more self
just body parts
my mind
a clean slate
to be written on
i lost myself tonight
the music becoming
my reality
my totality
threw it all away
i found myself in the music
the one true me
that doesnt smile and speak of nothing
i found the center of my being
and it was grounded in beats
i lost and found
me
so i grew up with it, and just not think about it; i'm just better at dealing with different people, life goes on easily enough.
last night, as i danced to the music, i finally found a center for myself, where its stable and i dont have to think about myself or anything. it was just purely the music and i, holding a conversation. it felt right, no faces, no mannerisms and self-deception, i cant explain what a revelation it was (no i wasnt tripping). the me who move and re-orientate with every transient lapping wave of my psyche... i finally found a center. i found me, which doesnt need to adapt, oblige, answer to.
just two of us, the music and i, having an exhillirating converation and at times, not even one, but just a silent nod of acknowledgement, acceptance, respect and a small smile on my face. it was a silent victory... i was certainly not about to run all over the place shouting like the mad man i might have looked like, or did. i was satisfied, having found something new about the music that rules my life, contented, that i discovered something about, rather, found myself.
i dont know how long this will last, or if it will even cascade down into my life... but as my body was talking to the music, i found an equilibrium and peace.
although it still doesnt compare to being in love (oh how i miss the joys of drawing a deep lungful of air, wanting to burst out laughing becos life was beautiful and i was where i am... yes i miss that very much); i still miss her, and i think of her every moment, as i am doing right now, wishing with every breath and yet, exhaling; i havent had this peace and surety within for a long time.
all my self-doubts, my lack of faith in my fellow beings (having someone shred away my belief and understanding can do that), my cynicism; for the few hours last night, i lost them all.
i didnt need people, i didnt need anything, i didnt need to open up and be vulnerable, i didnt need to build anything... the music was there, always been, the music and i. we had an understanding, unspoken.
my one constant companion who has never let me down, in the right hands.
i am very grateful, for that few hours.
to all of u who love the music, thank you for sharing my life.
i lost myself tonight
in the depths of
basslines, claps, hi-hats, synths
my many facades
my many mannerism
i lost
them
all
my gins
my grimaces
lost
them
all
ego pared away
the ghost in the shell
the soul in the machine
that i was
lost
it
all
to the music
just guiding my mind into a deeper abyss
dissolute
dissolved
i feel a beat
i am there
punctuating it
feet, arms, elbows and hands
no more self
just body parts
my mind
a clean slate
to be written on
i lost myself tonight
the music becoming
my reality
my totality
threw it all away
i found myself in the music
the one true me
that doesnt smile and speak of nothing
i found the center of my being
and it was grounded in beats
i lost and found
me
i caught up with a friend last night. we were both rolling off our tits and as is with such circumstances, we were talking a lotta shit but outta all the crap we spewed, he claimed we were best friends. now i never subscribed to this best friend business and i was kinda surprised and duly skeptical, so i asked him why. and he said, its cos we dont have to see each other, but when we do, we can just cut to the chase, no bullshit, and carry on from whenever we left off, or as the current situation dictates. which is true, it was like that with us and i value him for saying that.
i havent been comforted like this for a while, having someone have faith in me and in a friendship and i think, in hindsight now, i am very touched by it.
he wont know, and i wont mention it cos its just not the kinda mushy thing guys say to each other when we're sober, but thank you, besides the music, his company, our very messy conversation, was all i took home with at the end of the night.
thanks for a good night dude.
i havent been comforted like this for a while, having someone have faith in me and in a friendship and i think, in hindsight now, i am very touched by it.
he wont know, and i wont mention it cos its just not the kinda mushy thing guys say to each other when we're sober, but thank you, besides the music, his company, our very messy conversation, was all i took home with at the end of the night.
thanks for a good night dude.
18.8.02
it was a dark and stormy night, as how these nights go. no, it wasnt stormy, that was just theatrics.
kaesey taylor graced the decks in singapore for the second time, bringing with him his own brand of stormy darkness.
having had a disappointing night from anthony pappa (another fellow melbournian), expectations were high for mr taylor and in my books, he surpassed it. touching down in singapore at 9pm, playing at milkbar and then catching his next flight out of town; given the circumstances, he delivered a blinding set of technical exquisity.
respects.
kasey started off his set much deeper than i was used to hearing him play, reminding me very much of a melbourne institution, sunny/sunny side up... the deep dark dirty sound of australia. fortunately, rather than getting too deep and hypnotic for the average punter (people are known to have described the sound as "monotonous" and "boring"), kasey built up the set with more driving basslines. ah... the basslines, deep, riding, galloping, driving... they all blend together like a beautiful cocktail, flavours sliding, swirling, complementing each other... an apt analogy i should think. the sounds, the basslines, the beats, flowing into each other like liquid. synths and vocals floating on top with a deft touch of detail the way a painter puts highlights into a painting.
as these deep progressive sets go, vocals were not used overtly. but when they come in, soaring so incongruently with the basslines and sharp beats, we were all caught off guard. just when i thought i had leaped off a cliff into an abyss of audio decadency, my body floats along with the vocals, my mind bouyant in wonder (unknown - sanctuary). and then, a few tracks later, plunge further with a hypnotic monologue of the evil stephane k + pqm - insane poem.
back into the dark kasey brought us, sprinkled with echoes and "techy" synths. creating an ambient hollow expanse of space, occupied by sounds that cut acrossed my perception like knives, and the subtlest of melodies courtesy of debo + porter - deported; a track i've been waiting to hear played out.
medway + sean cusick - fiscal ep [graffiti] takes the set to the three quarter mark, a deep, growling bassline with an old skool, uplifting (if u can imagine "deep, growling" together with "uplifting") melody in itself. one of my recent favourite tracks, i was somewhat surprised that kasey played it, but thankful... it brought to the set, a certain optimism, that ultimately, its all good.
and then... finally, taking the journey home, cosmos - take me with you... a journey within the track itself. that moment of clarity, when i heard kasey mixing that last track, syncing so perfectly, blew me away. it was so smooth, just sliding into place like it so wholly belonged in the previous track, had me grinning and looking to friends if they caught it. there is nothing like hearing a good mix/transition, catching it, and marvelling at how it all fits together.
having caught anthony pappa and kasey taylor on consecutive nights... it dawned on me, on the dancefloor of milkbar. that is what the dj is at the decks for, putting pieces of music together, so well, so smooth, basslines all keyed... the sole purpose of a dj, to provide a continous journey of sound, uninterrupted by poor technical ability. kasey taylor was a far cry from anthony pappa, whose every track transition made me cringe at the intruding beats and basslines.
dancing becomes effortless under the guidance of a master who knows groove like his own heartbeat.
kasey taylor, will, and is, going places with his masterfuly crafted sets, his unique sound of deep and drive, building a set with such effortless progression that it keeps punters moving without realising.
it was a very optimistic sign for the singapore scene, that we are not solely reliant on the big players to bring in djs of a high-calibre and professionalism, and most importantly, good, quality progressive house. it did not matter what the punters came for, if they even knew who kasey taylor was...
they came
they danced
they paid homage.
[kasey taylor @ milkbar, a review]
kaesey taylor graced the decks in singapore for the second time, bringing with him his own brand of stormy darkness.
having had a disappointing night from anthony pappa (another fellow melbournian), expectations were high for mr taylor and in my books, he surpassed it. touching down in singapore at 9pm, playing at milkbar and then catching his next flight out of town; given the circumstances, he delivered a blinding set of technical exquisity.
respects.
kasey started off his set much deeper than i was used to hearing him play, reminding me very much of a melbourne institution, sunny/sunny side up... the deep dark dirty sound of australia. fortunately, rather than getting too deep and hypnotic for the average punter (people are known to have described the sound as "monotonous" and "boring"), kasey built up the set with more driving basslines. ah... the basslines, deep, riding, galloping, driving... they all blend together like a beautiful cocktail, flavours sliding, swirling, complementing each other... an apt analogy i should think. the sounds, the basslines, the beats, flowing into each other like liquid. synths and vocals floating on top with a deft touch of detail the way a painter puts highlights into a painting.
as these deep progressive sets go, vocals were not used overtly. but when they come in, soaring so incongruently with the basslines and sharp beats, we were all caught off guard. just when i thought i had leaped off a cliff into an abyss of audio decadency, my body floats along with the vocals, my mind bouyant in wonder (unknown - sanctuary). and then, a few tracks later, plunge further with a hypnotic monologue of the evil stephane k + pqm - insane poem.
back into the dark kasey brought us, sprinkled with echoes and "techy" synths. creating an ambient hollow expanse of space, occupied by sounds that cut acrossed my perception like knives, and the subtlest of melodies courtesy of debo + porter - deported; a track i've been waiting to hear played out.
medway + sean cusick - fiscal ep [graffiti] takes the set to the three quarter mark, a deep, growling bassline with an old skool, uplifting (if u can imagine "deep, growling" together with "uplifting") melody in itself. one of my recent favourite tracks, i was somewhat surprised that kasey played it, but thankful... it brought to the set, a certain optimism, that ultimately, its all good.
and then... finally, taking the journey home, cosmos - take me with you... a journey within the track itself. that moment of clarity, when i heard kasey mixing that last track, syncing so perfectly, blew me away. it was so smooth, just sliding into place like it so wholly belonged in the previous track, had me grinning and looking to friends if they caught it. there is nothing like hearing a good mix/transition, catching it, and marvelling at how it all fits together.
having caught anthony pappa and kasey taylor on consecutive nights... it dawned on me, on the dancefloor of milkbar. that is what the dj is at the decks for, putting pieces of music together, so well, so smooth, basslines all keyed... the sole purpose of a dj, to provide a continous journey of sound, uninterrupted by poor technical ability. kasey taylor was a far cry from anthony pappa, whose every track transition made me cringe at the intruding beats and basslines.
dancing becomes effortless under the guidance of a master who knows groove like his own heartbeat.
kasey taylor, will, and is, going places with his masterfuly crafted sets, his unique sound of deep and drive, building a set with such effortless progression that it keeps punters moving without realising.
it was a very optimistic sign for the singapore scene, that we are not solely reliant on the big players to bring in djs of a high-calibre and professionalism, and most importantly, good, quality progressive house. it did not matter what the punters came for, if they even knew who kasey taylor was...
they came
they danced
they paid homage.
[kasey taylor @ milkbar, a review]
i lost myself tonight, in the depths of basslines, claps, hi-hats, synths... i lost, and found myself tonight. my many facades, mannerism... i lost them all. my gins, my grimaces...lost them all. ego pared away, there was only the ghost in the shell, the soul in the machine that i became. lost it all to the music; just guiding my mind into a deeper abyss. dissolute, dissolved, i feel a beat, i am there, punctuating it feet, arms, elbows and hands... no more self, just body parts, my mind a clean slate to be written on. i lost myself tonight, the music becoming my reality, my totality. threw it all away, and i found myself in the music, the one true me that doesnt smile and speak of nothing... i found the center of my being and it was grounded in beats.
10.8.02
"-You are mortal: it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live."
Dream to his son Orpheus, in Brief Lives
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live."
Dream to his son Orpheus, in Brief Lives
5.8.02
29.7.02
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like
camping.
found this on a forum board, it wouldnt be so funny if it werent all true
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like
camping.
found this on a forum board, it wouldnt be so funny if it werent all true
24.7.02
toni: if hating is the strength and from that one shall be strong, then yes... i am on my way indeed... fuck love, fuck parents, fuck the world, fuck every single one of them, i dont need anyone.
why should i need, why should i answer, why should i love, when it all brings me back to this point right now, writing this?
fuck the world, it rejects me as i have never truly lived in it
fuck love, it rejects me as much as i have loved in my quarter of a century.
fuck parents who use me as a vassal for their failures in lives
fuck friends who never appreciates and see, treating me like some disaposable, recyclable entity, coming to me only when they need.
tell me, why the fuck should i care about any of these, seriously. i have cared for so many years and lived for others in that time, it feels like the only time i have indulged and lived for myself is with the music and drugs.
fuck it all.
why should i need, why should i answer, why should i love, when it all brings me back to this point right now, writing this?
fuck the world, it rejects me as i have never truly lived in it
fuck love, it rejects me as much as i have loved in my quarter of a century.
fuck parents who use me as a vassal for their failures in lives
fuck friends who never appreciates and see, treating me like some disaposable, recyclable entity, coming to me only when they need.
tell me, why the fuck should i care about any of these, seriously. i have cared for so many years and lived for others in that time, it feels like the only time i have indulged and lived for myself is with the music and drugs.
fuck it all.
i hate my parents... they are the only ones who can make me feel like shit in the unique way progenitors do... expressing their disappointment in me for smoking and somehow, that has invalidated all their efforts in educating and bringing me up. they fail to realise the mental and phsical shape i am in, not having slept, stoned out, my life turned upside down... they dont care would be more accurate, all that matters is that i fit myself in with their perception of me and the world is fine. what is my life to them, except an extension of their egos and failed dreams.
right now... with the hate engendered in me, the anger at the world... i give in and relish in the hatred i feel for them, for making me feel the way i do, i dont care anymore, what do i owe them or the world when the world has rejected me and the person more important than this world and parents, doesnt care anymore?
why should i care?
i hate.
right now... with the hate engendered in me, the anger at the world... i give in and relish in the hatred i feel for them, for making me feel the way i do, i dont care anymore, what do i owe them or the world when the world has rejected me and the person more important than this world and parents, doesnt care anymore?
why should i care?
i hate.
drink up baby down
are you in or are you out?
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
these mess-ups
you bubble-wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so, let go
jump in
oh well, what you waiting for?
it's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so, let go
just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
Ii's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
it gains the more it gives
and then advances with the form
so, honey, back for more
can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later
now you can wait
you roll your eyes
we've 20 seconds to comply
so, let go
jump in
oh well, what you waiting for?
it's al right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so, let go
just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
[frou frou - let go]
are you in or are you out?
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
these mess-ups
you bubble-wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so, let go
jump in
oh well, what you waiting for?
it's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so, let go
just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
Ii's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
it gains the more it gives
and then advances with the form
so, honey, back for more
can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later
now you can wait
you roll your eyes
we've 20 seconds to comply
so, let go
jump in
oh well, what you waiting for?
it's al right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so, let go
just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
[frou frou - let go]
23.7.02
my own voices whispering thoughts i never had, emotions once held in check. the one thing i do understand, keeps repeating itself over and over, incessant, urgent; trying to inscribe itself into my grey matter, digging into the soft, wet organ, carving its own valley amidst the twisted grooves: "i dont need anyone". burning an indelible mark, smouldering with hatred.
hatred... not something im accustomed to, it sits there, not feeling anything, just a lump of nothing, void around it. i can feel my chest rising and falling with every breath, my heart beating and then, nothing, just this nothing, at the centre of me... i can only feel its persence by its absence.
i can feel anger, deep within, wanting to lash out at everyone, pushing everyone away and i stumble with my words, not knowing what to say to people, my eyes drift and darts, not connecting with anyone... i am an animal, hypnotised by this angry hatred within, like the headlights of an oncoming vehicle... i am caught in its thrall, helpless, consumed, driven.
i cant stop it... i can feel the walls closing me in and i cant stop it... torn, afraid, knowing it is for the better and no, no... no... i dont want it.
i hate the world, i hate the people around me, i hate my friends, every facial expression, every sentence, word, nuance, torn down and sifted, looking... looking for more reasons to push them away.
cos i dont need anyone.
hatred... not something im accustomed to, it sits there, not feeling anything, just a lump of nothing, void around it. i can feel my chest rising and falling with every breath, my heart beating and then, nothing, just this nothing, at the centre of me... i can only feel its persence by its absence.
i can feel anger, deep within, wanting to lash out at everyone, pushing everyone away and i stumble with my words, not knowing what to say to people, my eyes drift and darts, not connecting with anyone... i am an animal, hypnotised by this angry hatred within, like the headlights of an oncoming vehicle... i am caught in its thrall, helpless, consumed, driven.
i cant stop it... i can feel the walls closing me in and i cant stop it... torn, afraid, knowing it is for the better and no, no... no... i dont want it.
i hate the world, i hate the people around me, i hate my friends, every facial expression, every sentence, word, nuance, torn down and sifted, looking... looking for more reasons to push them away.
cos i dont need anyone.
17.7.02
i ask myself, who's the one who's changed... is it me, or is it u? have i changed because u did so? yes... that must be it, that must be why, i dont feel anything like home in me, just this cavity where u used to be.
perhaps it is some plan of yours? if so, yes, u've succeeded, i cant imagine ever having loved u. oh yes, succeeded indeed, i cant imagine having shared myself with u. a life? no, that cant be right... a future? really? have we ever contemplated that? did we ever sit under the stars, overlook the city lights and pour our hearts out? surly this wasnt real, surly... surly it must have meant something if it was, indeed, real. were we lovers, or just dreamers? was that a dream and is this a wake now?
have i felt the touch of your lips, have i stroked your face and brushed aside stray hair as u sleep? i recall that vaguely... i recall all that, and looking at your closed eyes, your nose flaring as u breathed.
no... this cant be right... i remember making love to someone with hunger in her eyes, i remember looking into her eyes as we fitted so perfectly snug together, oblivious to time, light moving across the floor, striping our bodies and then we slept, and we woke and loved more; looped... was that you? surly u jest, surly... it had to be someone else... no, not you.
i remember feeling... something so big; so great and grander than me, than the physical, my chest cant hold it in and i cant breathe... and i remember telling someone im trying to, but im sorry, i am so sorry, because i cannot tell u how it feels, i cannot explain this beauty and all i have were these three words:
i love you
and they are not enough, they could not begin to connote... how could they, when my heart cant even contain what i felt?
i remember feeling like that once... and it seems, it was just a prelude to this afterall. it seems that is the lesson... to change and not be the fool no more... dont feel, dont love, dont share. it is quite amazing how much power to hurt a person has, when he or she is loved; that i know now. and it seems its true too, an advice given in a time past... always hold a bit of yourself back.
never is too long and no...
every single time
we touch
u leave
me
dead.
perhaps it is some plan of yours? if so, yes, u've succeeded, i cant imagine ever having loved u. oh yes, succeeded indeed, i cant imagine having shared myself with u. a life? no, that cant be right... a future? really? have we ever contemplated that? did we ever sit under the stars, overlook the city lights and pour our hearts out? surly this wasnt real, surly... surly it must have meant something if it was, indeed, real. were we lovers, or just dreamers? was that a dream and is this a wake now?
have i felt the touch of your lips, have i stroked your face and brushed aside stray hair as u sleep? i recall that vaguely... i recall all that, and looking at your closed eyes, your nose flaring as u breathed.
no... this cant be right... i remember making love to someone with hunger in her eyes, i remember looking into her eyes as we fitted so perfectly snug together, oblivious to time, light moving across the floor, striping our bodies and then we slept, and we woke and loved more; looped... was that you? surly u jest, surly... it had to be someone else... no, not you.
i remember feeling... something so big; so great and grander than me, than the physical, my chest cant hold it in and i cant breathe... and i remember telling someone im trying to, but im sorry, i am so sorry, because i cannot tell u how it feels, i cannot explain this beauty and all i have were these three words:
i love you
and they are not enough, they could not begin to connote... how could they, when my heart cant even contain what i felt?
i remember feeling like that once... and it seems, it was just a prelude to this afterall. it seems that is the lesson... to change and not be the fool no more... dont feel, dont love, dont share. it is quite amazing how much power to hurt a person has, when he or she is loved; that i know now. and it seems its true too, an advice given in a time past... always hold a bit of yourself back.
never is too long and no...
every single time
we touch
u leave
me
dead.
6.7.02
twisted, funk, groove, breaks, beats, basslines... throw them into a bowl, pound them with a pestle, grind them with the twists of your wrist, spread out the paste...
...the space which the absence of sound occupies
where empty speaks volumes and all the itsy bitsy twisted beats in between and not, implied.
just sits there in the space they so distinctly occupy, weaving into the basslines, and aloof.
two masters at work, each doing his thing the only way he knows how to, two different sounds so distinctly individual and so comfortably at home coming out of the same set of speakers. it is a rare sight tonight, to bear witness to two djs with such amazing synery, so interchangably playing decks, another playing efx and more often than not, arms reaching across each other to add that touch of individuality to what the other is doing. the unspoken trust and communion between these two, the lack of ego, synergistic, symbiotic... they feed off each other like opposing twins in a womb, and we are privileged with a gestation which is greater than its parts, defined by the two and yet, wholly defiant of them.
the sounds take on a life of their own, teased, seduced, spat out of the speakers... sounds cohesive and yet, so interchangable, like building blocks of sound; taken from their rightful place, moved, shifted by the chunks and beats and placed into new slots of time stretched out...
...the space which the absence of sound occupies, sprinkled with beats and groove...
is where tyrant is at.
...the space which the absence of sound occupies
where empty speaks volumes and all the itsy bitsy twisted beats in between and not, implied.
just sits there in the space they so distinctly occupy, weaving into the basslines, and aloof.
two masters at work, each doing his thing the only way he knows how to, two different sounds so distinctly individual and so comfortably at home coming out of the same set of speakers. it is a rare sight tonight, to bear witness to two djs with such amazing synery, so interchangably playing decks, another playing efx and more often than not, arms reaching across each other to add that touch of individuality to what the other is doing. the unspoken trust and communion between these two, the lack of ego, synergistic, symbiotic... they feed off each other like opposing twins in a womb, and we are privileged with a gestation which is greater than its parts, defined by the two and yet, wholly defiant of them.
the sounds take on a life of their own, teased, seduced, spat out of the speakers... sounds cohesive and yet, so interchangable, like building blocks of sound; taken from their rightful place, moved, shifted by the chunks and beats and placed into new slots of time stretched out...
...the space which the absence of sound occupies, sprinkled with beats and groove...
is where tyrant is at.
5.7.02
is it me or are people too caught up in their own little worlds to live? seems like the daily grind is getting everyone down and i am sure, one day sooner than later, i will be a victim too. it is somewhat depressing to see my friends turn into the drones they are now, chained at the ankle to huge iron balls of mediocrity. i think... i have had no cause to hate this place except seeing what it is turning my friends into.
a friend once quoted another person, saying "work decays the soul".
i beg to differ.
mundanity decays the soul.
a friend once quoted another person, saying "work decays the soul".
i beg to differ.
mundanity decays the soul.
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